What if his phone goes off at the wrong moment and gives away his position?
What if I'm the reason something goes wrong?
Stop.
I'm spiraling.
I know I'm spiraling.
But I can't seem to stop.
I pick up his t-shirt from the chair, bring it to my face.
Breathe in his scent.
It helps.
A little.
Maybe I should go downstairs.
Find someone to wait with.
Sitting here alone is driving me insane.
But I can't make myself move.
Can't leave this room that smells like him.
Like if I stay here, surrounded by his things, I can somehow keep him safe.
Magical thinking.
Stupid.
But I do it anyway.
I sink onto the edge of his bed, still clutching his shirt.
Try to remember the last thing he said to me.
I love you.
Three words I've been terrified of my whole adult life.
Three words that other men used like weapons, like lies, like bait to reel me in before they threw me away.
But when Gunnar said them, they sounded different.
They sounded like the truth.
Like a promise.
Like something I could actually believe.
And I just stood there.
Let him walk out the door without saying it back.
