The rules became brittle, and I did not know where the boundaries were, if they even existed for men like me.
I liked to wrap my hand around their throats and hold their pulse, light pressure in just the right place, see their trepidation, and then let it go at the precise moment so I could watch them come undone so hard they screamed.
Yes, I liked to tie them up, see their limbs contort, hold them, see the secret parts of them open to me, and then watch their ecstasy, their manic orgasm as they cried out and writhed, still bound, still vulnerable.
Yes, I liked towatchwomen. I liked the visual. I liked the way their hands balled into fists and their feet clenched, the way they gasped and their skin flushed warm.
When they utterly lost control.
Maybe it was because they agreed to my kinks the first time to please me, because they thought I wanted it.
The next time, though, they asked for it. They retrieved the ropes from my drawer. They guided my hand to their throat.
Their eyes sparkled with anticipation.
I dideverythingI could get them to agree to, and I didanythingto watch them lose their fucking minds.
Ilikedto watch women.
But I’d never suspected that somewhere deep in my many swirling, overlapping, driving perversions, thatIhad a virgin kink.
I’d always considered a virgin kink a little dirty, a little too close to taking advantage of someone who didn’t know what they were asking for.
Too close to unearned authority.
Akin to telling someone what to do for no reason other they didn’t know what they should want, so I could do whatever I wanted.
It was too easy to take advantage of a virgin, and I already skirted that line with women.
But Lexi wasn’t jaded like me and everyone around me those days. She would be—interested, excited even, wanting connection instead of needing something out ofCirque de Solieljust so she’d remember me.
Flashes of nights when I was a teen in the dormitories at boarding school sent shivers through me, back when we’d all been slinking around like unneutered cats and switching beds for the thrill of it, when sliding naked skin and blasts of endorphins had been the game. A girl and I had indulged our first times together, and then there’d been other girls, too.
I didn’t want a high school girlnow.
I wanted to bemein high school, that new-skinned me who’d skied like a fucking demon, fenced like pirate, and dove into alpine snow-fed lakes for the sheer joy of the icy rush.
That wild abandonment of mouths and hands and blasting pleasure, luxuriating as we slept naked and entwined, and the ease of falling for someone so hard that I couldn’t fucking breathe if she wasn’t with me felt right around the corner, so close I could almost catch it.
Being with Lexi felt like being that version of me.
A robotic voice sounded in my head, mocking me:Kink achievement unlocked.
I sighed.Just fucking great.
I had a new kink.
One that I absolutely, positively, couldnotindulge.
As soon as Lexi had offhandedly announced that a doctor could confirm she was a virgin, my desecrated, polluted, alcohol-poisoned body had found energetic reserves I hadn’t known existed. I’d been rock hard in a second. My dick had been so over-swollen that it was nearly painful, the skin so tight it had felt sunburned under that cheap, scratchy hotel towel.
I hadneededher more than coffee, more than food, more than water, more thanair.
My hangover migraine had pounded like the metaphorical axe cleaving my skull from my heart slamming into my ribs, increasing my blood pressure until I’d damn-near had blood squirting out my ears.
And I couldn’ttouchLexi.
I couldn’t make love to this woman, even though she was my legal wife.
