Maxence nodded.
“And after those goons almost grabbed you outside the Louvre? When they tried to shove you into the car, but you fought them off?”
Again, he nodded.
“And then a lot less in Nepal because we were safe there.”
Maxence closed his eyes again.
She said, “And then since we got back to Monaco, every day has been dangerous, but then especially after we were both kidnapped. When we got back to this room, you took me up against the wall, and youneededit then.”
Maxence nodded. “I always thought I was afraid of being kidnapped or being held prisoner again, especially on a ship. When it happened, I worked my way through it. I’d pretty much convinced them to turn the ship around and bring me straight back toPort Herculewhen Casimir and Arthur arrived on a helicopter.”
Dree said, “I told you that if that happened again, you were probably going to end up as the Pirate King and be standing on the prow of the ship as it sailed right up to the Monaco Yacht Club.”
He nodded with his eyes still closed. “You weren’t far off.”
“What else happened out there? You keep changing the subject whenever I ask.”
Maxence bent down and wrapped his arms around her, whispering to her about the dark storage room, his plan to throw himself overboard, how he’d convinced the crew to mutiny, and how Quentin Sault had shot Michael Rossi and then himself. His soft voice hung in the air of the bathroom and absorbed into the marble.
She tightened her arms around his waist, and he petted her hair and kissed her temple.
He whispered, “I wasn’t truly terrified until I got back to Monaco and discovered you were missing.That’swhen my heart stopped. That’s when my world came crashing down, and all I could think of was to find you. I didn’t want you to be hurt. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being afraid. I was going to rip the world apart to find you.”
“I’ll never leave you,” she whispered. “I’ll never let you go, but you should work with someone to make it more functional.”
“When I was in high school, I went to the health center at Le Rosey and demanded counseling, despite the secrecy my parents had insisted on years before,” Maxence said. “They were both dead by then, so maybe that’s why the school relented. I had two different counselors. One of them just listened while I talked and didn’t say much. The other one taught me about grounding, where you pick out five things you can see, three things you can hear, one thing you can touch and taste or smell.”
“That’s one of the standard therapies,” Dree said.
“Sometimes I go through them over and over. I kept getting stuck in those grounding ritual loops becausenothingwas ever enough. I still do it instinctively. When I walked into that corporate event tonight, the crowd in the dark was overwhelming. I instinctively started picking out things that I could see and hear and smell because it forced me to stay in the present moment and not flip back to those weeks I spent in a squalid, dark, metal room on the ship as a kid.”
“There are other interventions. Medical, maybe,” Dree said.
“I don’t want to take drugs, and some of those antianxiety medications are bad for you in the long-term. Some people need them to get through the day, but most days, I’m fine. And then other days,somethinghappens.”
“And that’s when you cut. Or when you have a woman rake her nails over your back, cutting by proxy.”
“The sting makes me stop thinking. The sharpness of it distracts my mind from the factI can’t breathe.”His arms wrapped around her more tightly. “Like when I figured out you were missing after the Sea Change Gala. Or in Phoenix when those guys in the van tried to grab you. I can’t even fathom it, Dree. I can’t imagine a world without you. I want to cut myself to ribbons just thinking about it.”
Something about that gave Dree pause. “That makes me feel kind of trapped.”
He expelled his breath in almost a chuckle. “I would nevertrapyou. It’s not a passive-aggressive threat to control you. I might tie you up if you wanted me to.”
“Yeah,” Dree said, thinking back. “For a guy who’s into some deep things, you don’t tie me up, at least not for long.”
His voice was low. “When I tie you up, your hands aren’t free.”
Oh.
“But if you ever left me, then I must’ve done something catastrophically, stupidly wrong, and I should live with that. Maybe it would teach me a damn lesson. But you would be out there in the world, somewheresafe.As long as you’re out there and safe and preferably happy, I’m content. You’re not trapped with me unless you want to be. We all have our kinks. If you want me to get you a bad-girl cage, I will.”
She leaned back. “Awhat?”
“Never mind.” His sad smile looked like he was trying to force his mouth to make the shape. “The point was, you’re nottrapped.”
She’d ask Mairearad aboutcagesthe next time they went to lunch. “Okay, but I still think you need to talk to someone about itnow.Maybe CBT or other therapies would help. But no matter what, I’m not going to leave you. I’m not going to demand that you stop shutting me out or see this as a stumbling block or a deal-breaker in our relationship. You’reminenow, and I’myours.We’re a team. You’re going to be the Sovereign Prince of Monaco, and I’m going to be the chatelaine of the Grimaldi Fortress. We’ll hold this castle against any enemy that comes at us from the land or the seatogether,and I’ll be by your side while we do it. But I’m worried about you, and I love you. I don’t want you to hurt yourself to get relief from the pain in your heart. I wantthe painto go away.”
