“I will tear you down so I can build you back up.” The Great Luna walked to Myanin and cupped the djinn’s face in her hand. The warmth and peace that flowed into Myanin ripped the breath from her lungs. “I have chosen you to be an instrument to help begin the destruction of the enemy.”
“Why me?” Myanin whispered. “I am nothing. How can you possibly use me after what I’ve done?”
“I can best use those who’ve realized their own helplessness. They have chosen to let go of their selfish ways. They have turned away from the evil that so easily entangles and reached out for the love, mercy, and forgiveness I offer them.
“The only difference is you’ve yet to choose me, your Creator. OnlyIcan fill the emptiness inside of you.” The goddess leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Myanin’s forehead. The djinn felt it all the way to her soul.
“What if I can’t do that? What if I’m too far gone?” Myanin was scared of the answer, but she had to ask.
“If you were too far gone, child of mine, you would not be asking that question. You must take your eyes from the one who keeps your heart captive. He is not yours. You cannot have the one I have for you until you let go of the hate growing inside of you. You need to accept that the plan I have for you is better than anything you could choose for yourself. I love you, and I created you for a purpose. You must accept the consequences of your actions. It will be painful. It will be hard. But it will be worth it.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” Myanin admitted. She’d already been facing the wretchedness inside her, and she was tired of seeing it. She definitely didn’t want to see anymore.
“I know. But you will. Rest Myanin. You have much before you. You have remained in this place long enough. It’s time for you to move.”
Chapter 9
“As a child, it seems anything and everything is possible. But with every year that passes, you begin to realize the only thing that is truly possible is to choose between right and wrong. Each step following that choice puts you on a path—one that can lead to your destruction or your redemption.” ~Tenia
“How did you sleep?” Tenia asked Myanin the following morning as they sat in the same supernatural tavern as they had a few days prior. They had both woken very hungry, and for the first time since Myanin had been introduced to the stuff, Myanin craved something more substantial than cotton candy.
Myanin’s skin felt raw, as if her skin had been peeled back and the nerves exposed. She wondered if Tenia could see her unease. The djinn felt as if she no longer knew who she was. “Well enough, I guess,” she finally answered because she didn’t know what else to say. After her encounter with the Great Luna, Myanin had slept peacefully. There had been no visit from Lyra, though now that she was awake, she did feel the hum of the elder’s power. It wasn’t as strong but still there, a constant reminder that it did not belong inside of her. It was not hers.
They ate in silence, for which Myanin was glad. Her mind was spinning, the words of the Great Luna swirling round and round as she grappled with what she’d learned from the goddess. Some of it she understood plainly. Some of it seemed like a foreign language. What was abundantly clear to Myanin was that she had to make a choice. Every time she thought of letting go of her feelings toward Thad, his mate, and the elders—feelings she’d held onto for so long—it seemed the earth was falling out from under her. But thinking about what she’d become, what she’d allowed those feelings to turn her into, was worse. Even though the emotions that had tied her to Thadrick were what had held her to this life, she didn’t want that existence anymore. She couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t loved him. Yet, she wanted to be as far away from those old feelings as possible, because somewhere along the way that love had morphed into something else, something twisted and ugly. She no longer wanted it to be inside her. It was like the magic she’d taken from Lyra. In the elder, it was controlled, used for its purpose, and good. But inside of Myanin, where it had been intended for darker things, it had become twisted, vile, and was rotting her from the inside out.
When the pair had each finished gobbling up a plateful of bacon, eggs, and hash browns, Tenia left a few pieces of gold and gems lying on the table, and they headed out of the tavern. Those inside had paid her little attention this second time around, which Myanin appreciated. As they left, no one bothered to stare at her for longer than a second or two before looking away.
“So, where are we headed?” Tenia asked as they stood in the parking lot. “Are we actually going to surveil the wolves or just pretend to for the Order’s benefit?”
“We will surveil. We just won’t report back the truth, but for now can we just walk for a little while?” It probably sounded crazy to Tenia, but Myanin wasn’t in the mood to be a pretend spy, and she had no desire to return to the Order. She didn’t even want to have a cotton candy break, not when it would bring her nothing but the taste of the ash she’d held in her hand in her dream. Her stomach was in her throat as her mind just continued to play the goddess’s words over and over. Lyra had remained silent, and for that she was grateful.
Tenia’s eyes softened as if she understood. “Sure. But how about we go somewhere with better scenery?”
Myanin glanced around at the unappealing landscape, which looked like the djinn felt. She didn’t want to say that out loud, so she simply nodded. She took Tenia’s offered arm and the fae flashed them away.
They appeared on a hillside overlooking a picturesque valley. The sun was just beginning to crest, and the morning rays filled the sky with streaks of orange and yellow. Everywhere the light touched, life seemed to flourish. Instead of walking, Myanin sat, facing the sunrise. Tenia didn’t ask any questions. She simply sat down next to the djinn, a quiet reminder that she was there.
The silence stretched on, but Myanin didn’t feel awkward. She was too busy wrestling with her inner demons to notice. Below her, half the valley lay in darkness, yet untouched by the morning sun. Myanin realized her heart must appear similar. Some of it was covered by darkness—hidden places the light had not yet touched … or perhaps could no longer reach. Myanin hated feeling like this: lost, alone, groping in the darkness. She could see the light in front of her, but she couldn’t make it there. She’d been fooling herself, but fools never learned quickly. That was what made them fools.Why did you do this to me, Myanin?Lyra’s voice was there once again, intruding on her quiet, though not peaceful, moment. Lyra’s tone, like last time, was not accusing, but pleading, almost as if she wanted Myanin to confess not for Lyra’s sake but for her own.You cannot step into the light until you reveal what you’ve kept in the dark. Why did you take my life? Why did you take my power?
Myanin pulled her knees up and laid her arms across them. She leaned her head forward until it rested against them. Her eyes welled up, and she cursed the tears she hated to shed. Never in all of her life had she experienced pain such as what filled her now. Every nerve felt exposed as if her skin had been flayed from her body and she was open to the elements. The physical pain was just a manifestation of the emotional pain consuming her. Myanin couldn’t stand it. She was done. Death had to be better than this. “Why?”The elder’s voice came again. She didn’t have to repeat the questions. Myanin knew them all by heart. She also knew the answers. There was no reason left to remain silent. She’d lost everything. What had she gained from what she’d taken? Pain, guilt, shame, a level of self-loathing that she’d never thought herself capable of.I’m done.I don’t want it. Please, take it. Take the magic, take the power, take the breath from my lungs because I cannot bear this any longer.
“WHY?”Lyra’s voice demanded.“There is only peace when there is remorse and repentance, and there is only repentance when there is brokenness and a willingness to admit what it is you have done. Accept the peace being offered to you, Myanin. Accept the grace.”
“I did it because I was jealous. I was selfish. I wanted what I wanted and didn’t care who it hurt.” Myanin spoke out loud. For some reason she felt like the words, the truth, needed to be said. Her voice was broken and rough, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that Tenia was there to witness it. She didn’t care that she probably sounded crazy. She just needed it out. She knew if she held it in any longer then she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. “I hated you because I thought your punishment was unfair. I wanted you to feel the same betrayal I perceived happening to me. I was living only for myself. I have been living only for myself.”
“And now?”Lyra asked.
“I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.” She choked as a sob broke through her voice. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.” Her tears turned to weeping as Myanin rocked back and forth seeking comfort she did not deserve. “I’m sorry, Lyra. I’m so very sorry.” She looked up and shook her head, her hair sticking to her wet cheeks. “And I know it’s not enough. It will never be enough. I offer my life, though it won’t give you back yours. I don’t want your magic, goddess,” Myanin cried out as she tugged at her clothes, as if she could somehow pull it out of her own body. “How could I do that to you! How could I rip away a part of you? Please, Great Luna, please take it away. Take it away, I beg you. Don’t let me stay like this.” Her voice was barely audible as she turned her face toward the sky. The rays of the sun had reached her feet and were slowly moving up her legs, her stomach, and neck, until finally the warmth rested on her tear-stained face. “Make me new,” she whispered.
Myanin didn’t know what she expected. Maybe for the earth to shake or a bright light to burn through her? Maybe for rain to fall from the sky to symbolically cleanse her, or for the Great Luna to literally reach into her chest and rip the beating organ from her chest. But none of those things happened.
“I forgive you,”Lyra’s voice said gently in her mind. Myanin felt the elder’s presence leave, though the pulse of her magic remained behind. She didn’t know what that meant.
“I forgive you, my child, my precious warrior who once was lost but now is found,”The goddess’s warmth engulfed her, even more than the sun. It surrounded her in a comforting embrace. Myanin felt it down to her soul. She was clean. The darkness that had been rotting her like an infection was gone. But would it stay gone?
“I’m afraid,” Myanin admitted to the Great Luna.
“Don’t be. Fear is a liar, he will steal your courage, he will rob you of your joy, and he will claim your victory as his own. My love for you is greater than your fear. Trust that.”
