“Peri,” Lilly started, but the fae held up her hand. Lilly snapped her lips closed like a chastised child.
“Why didn’t you let someone know it had gotten this bad?” Peri asked after several minutes of silence. “There is no shame in grief, Lilly. There is no shame in admitting you can’t hold your shit together when you’ve lost the other half of your soul. ACanis lupus,if he’d lost his mate before bonding, would be a raging, feral beast right now in your shoes. And no one would think him a crazy lunatic.”
“When I lost Dillon I didn—”
“Dillon wasn’t your soul mate!” Peri snapped. “Dillon was a male you fell in love with, but he was not the lover of your soul. There is a profound difference.”
Those words hit Lilly so hard she took a step back to catch her balance.Lover of her soul?That’s exactly what Cypher was. He not only completed her, but he nurtured her—everypart of her. His presence was never a burden; it was always welcome. A single touch from him could settle her nerves in an instant. He was a balm to her wounds, a cool drink of water on the hottest day, a warm blanket around her on the coldest nights.
“Ho-o-w,” Lilly stuttered, “am I, su-u-p-posed to get through this, Peri?” Lilly clutched at the place over her heart and wished she could just dig her nails in and force the damn thing to stop beating. “How would you live without Lucian?”
Peri’s eyes fixed on Lilly’s. “I wouldn’t.” The high fae walked toward her and then grabbed Lilly’s shoulders and pulled her up until she was standing straight. “ButIam not the queen of a race that needs me.You,on the other hand, have no choice. The Great Luna has made you of stronger stuff. You must keep going. I’m giving you two more days. You can kick, scream, yell, destroy this room more, drink until you can’t stand, or do whatever it is you need to in order to deal with the anger and grief, but then it’sdone. You have to prepare yourself to defend your position. I already know at least one warlock has his eyes on your throne.”
Lilly looked at her sideways.
Peri nodded. “I’ve got some of my little pixies doing what they do best—gathering intel—and the reports are not good. In the two days since your guests left, Lysander has gathered supporters. You’ve lost the luxury of having a true period of grieving. Now, you must be a queen without her king at her side. And you have to be the best damn queen the warlocks have ever seen.”
Lilly fought back the urge to vomit.
“Lilly, look at me,” Peri’s stern voice caused her to raise her eyes back to the fae’s. “Once upon a time, you found out you were going to be a mother, and the man that was supposed to share that joy with you was gone the same day. You could have fallen apart then and become a bitter woman who resented the child of that union. But you didn’t. You blossomed in the face of loss, and you raised an amazing young woman. If you think being a queen and having a group of people looking to you for leadership is any different than being a parent, you’re in for a rude awakening. Instead of wiping their butts, they will expect you to make sure no one attacks them, settle their petty disputes, and somehow give them supernatural world peace all at the same time.”
“You were doing pretty good there for a minute, but your pep talk is taking a nosedive,” Lilly said dryly.
“Lilly, if you can be a single mom and raise a child that turned out as good as Jacque, then you can do this with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back. And this time you’re not alone. You’ve got us. You’ve got a pack. It’s time to step out of the tower you’ve put yourself in and pick up where your mate left off. It’s time to start living again because the battles are coming. They aren’t going to wait foryouto be ready.”
Lilly stood there staring at the woman who, though she could be an abrasive ass, had become a close friend. She hesitated, afraid to be completely honest with the fae. But she knew Peri was right. And if she didn’t open up to someone, she had no chance of leading the warlocks. It was humiliating, but Lilly had no choice.
“I’ve been having hallucinations … about Cypher,” she said quickly. “The first one was two nights ago during the feast. He was in the room, standing across the hall from me. Then, when I came back to our room, he was here waiting for me. He talked to me. He held me. He was real, Peri. I couldfeelhim.” She swallowed hard. “I can’t decide if what’s happening is a blessing or a curse. He comes every night. He holds me and talks to me. When I wake up from nightmares, he’s there, wiping my brow and pressing kisses to my heated skin.
“Part of me wants it to stop, and part of me is terrified it will, and I will never see him again. How the hell am I supposed to move on? How do I begin to heal when the wound is re-opened every single night?”
“Maybe you aren’t supposed to move on in the traditional sense,” Peri said, her voice grave. “Maybe the wound needs to stay fresh in order for you to function. Some injuries never heal correctly, Lilly. Some wounds become infected and fester. Perhaps Cypher’s appearance is like the application of alcohol to your wound. It burns like hell, but it keeps out the infection.”
Lilly wasn’t sure what to say to that. She’d been hoping Peri was going to give her some profound insight like “perhaps this was the Great Luna’s way of letting her know that Cypher wasn’t gone for good. Maybe she’d get him back,” or some other cathartic delusion that Lilly knew wasn’t really true.
“Don’t get that look, queenie,” Peri warned, shaking her head. “The Great Luna can bring back whomever she wishes. We’ve seen it done. But it's onherterms.Sheis the Creator, andweare the created. And everything she does is always for our best interest, even if we don’t see it. I don’t know why she allowed Sally to come back, or Jen. And Jen wasn’t even really allowed back. There was a payment due for that life. Regardless, you can ask, but you have to understand that sometimes the answer is still no, regardless of how bad we want it to be yes.”
Finally, Lilly nodded. Remarkably, she still had tears left inside of her, and they filled her eyes now. “I just miss him so damn much.”
Peri’s own eyes filled. She wrapped her arms around Lilly and pulled her into a tight hug. “I know, Lilly. More than you realize, I, above everyone, know exactly how you feel.”
The mom in Lilly rose to the surface. Even though Perizada could be Lilly’s great, great something a thousand times over, she couldn’t help but want to comfort the woman who was hurting over the loss of two people she’d loved. And Lilly didn’t even think Peri had realized how much Alina and Vasile had come to mean to her. She hugged the high fae tighter. “For a crazy chick, I’m going to be the voice of reason,” she said. “You’ve got to letyourselfgrieve, Peri. If you hold it all in now, eventually it will come out. When it finally does, what I’ve been through will look like a two-year-old throwing a small tantrum in comparison.”
Peri nodded against her shoulder, and Lilly heard the fae sniffle. “When you live as long as I have, you think you’ve built sufficient walls to keep pain like this from happening.” Peri released Lilly and stepped back. The fae wiped at her eyes as her lips drew against her face. She looked tired, as if a small breeze would blow her over. “They just seemed invincible. You know?”
“Yes.” Lilly huffed a small laugh. “I completely understand that sentiment. I thought nothing could bring Cypher down.”
“Vasile and Alina had fought so many battles. So many. And they’ve been injured before. They’ve been near death, but they’ve always escaped. They’ve always fought their way back. But this time, there was no fighting. There was nothing anyone could do, nothing I could do.” Her voice wavered, but she kept going, and Lilly wasn’t about to interrupt her. This was clearly something the high fae needed to get out. She needed to excise the dark thoughts.
“I just stood there. Alina’s eyes met mine, and though there were tears on her cheeks, she didn’t look afraid. She looked victorious, as if she knew something our enemy did not. That somehow, ripping out her heart was not the victory they thought it was going to be. But how can that be true?” Peri shook her head and lowered her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her shoulders shook, and she seemed to let go of her unflappable composure. “They ripped out her heart, and by doing so, they left a gaping hole in the rest of us. How is that not a victory? I wish I had five minutes with Alina to ask her what she knew, what secret she held in her heart to be able to stand there so defiantly, so faithfully, as death roared like an enraged lion in her face. She didn’t waver, not for a second. There was no regret in her eyes, no anger. She faced it more bravely and with more dignity than I have ever seen.” Peri looked back up at Lilly. Tears slowly ran down each cheek. “So, why can’t I feel her victory? Why can’t I say like she did, ‘O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is your victory?’”
Lilly’s brow rose. “She has you quoting the Holy Bible?”
Peri sniffled. “Grief will turn your eyes to strange places, especially when you’re staring into the face of someone who is being murdered in battle and doesn’t seem to think the enemy is winning.”
Lilly didn’t see Alina die. It was bad enough seeing her mate, and she hadn’t been staring at his eyes when death had struck him. She couldn’t imagine the emotions Peri must have felt at that moment, as her friend was killed while still raising the battle cry.
The two women stood in silence, looking at one another as if hoping the other would come up with a profound solution to their grief, but there was none. There was just pain and loss. And they both knew only time would begin to dim the sting, though Lilly doubted it would ever be gone completely.
