“Can I use that phone?” Lilly pointed to the handset hanging on the wall beside the door.
The doctor’s brow drew down on her forehead. “Sure. Are you okay, Lilly?”
Lilly nodded, trying to look calm instead of like a mental ward patient. She slowed her breathing and then said, “I just want to see if Dillon—that’s the father—is home.”
The doctor still looked confused, perhaps thinking the news of a baby might be better shared in person. Nevertheless, she grabbed the receiver and passed it to Lilly.
Lilly dialed his number. She silently prayed he’d answer as it rang. She hadn’t heard Dillon’s voice since yesterday morning. He’d become like a drug to her. When he wasn’t around, he was all she could think about. He treated her like a queen, and she couldn’t get enough.
The phone rang and rang. Still she let it go on until the doctor finally took it from her hand.
“I don’t think he’s home, Lilly.”
Lilly felt herself nod. Another wave of fear hit her. She hurried off the table and began slipping back into her clothes. The doctor had done an ultrasound as soon as the positive pregnancy test had come in, and Lilly had gotten to hear the fast little heartbeat of her child.My and Dillon’s child, she mentally corrected.
She finished dressing and turned to the doctor, who told Lilly to schedule her next visit in six weeks. The new expectant mother was out of the room before the poor doctor could even recommend pre-natal vitamins. Lilly ignored her trembling hand as she started her car. The tires squealed, and she was thrown backward in her seat as she jammed her foot down on the pedal.
She whipped out of the parking lot onto the main street without even looking for oncoming cars. Her mind was squarely focused on Dillon. She couldn’t go to his house because she didn’t know where he lived. The only place she could go was home. Hehadto be okay. He had to be.
Lilly was driving way too fast, and she knew it. She glanced in her rearview mirror, but there were no red-and-blue lights chasing her, so she didn’t let up on the pedal. Within minutes, her apartment complex came into view. She flew into an empty spot and jumped out of her car, bolting toward her front door with one thought racing through her head: Dillon had to be okay.
She was panting like a racehorse when she took her keys, hand still shaking like the hounds of hell were on her heels, and attempted to slide it into the keyhole. The keys fell to the ground with a clatter. “Shit!” Three more times she dropped the keys attempting to get the door open. “Shit, shit, shit,” she said every time the keys smacked against the ground. Finally, on the fourth try, she was able to get the key in the lock and turn the knob.
“Dillon!” She stumbled into the apartment. Immediately, she knew it was empty. But his masculine scent lingered as if he’d been there recently. Her steps, once desperate to get inside, were much slower now as she entered the space that was much too quiet. It had become a haven to her. The world could be going to hell outside, but when she was in her apartment with Dillon, everything was great. Now, it felt more like a tomb, though she knew it wasn’t because he was dead. But the life she’d known with him was. She knew it as surely as she knew the life growing inside of her was a miracle.
Lilly dropped her purse and slowly gazed around the room until her eyes landed on an envelope resting on the mantle above the small fireplace. For a moment, she simply stared at it. The envelope, it seemed, stared back at her. Her eyes never left the paper as she took small steps, approaching it with the beginnings of nausea, not caused by her pregnancy, stirring in her gut. The harmless-looking envelope would be as sharp as a knife. The words it held would be her ruin. Her steps halted as her bottom lip trembled. The truth was, she didn’t want to ever reach it. She wanted to pretend like she hadn’t noticed it and simply go on about her day, waiting for Dillon to get home so she could prepare his dinner. He had a huge appetite on account of his wolf, and he always appreciated what she cooked him. She wanted to cover herself in blissful oblivion like a cloak that reality couldn’t penetrate.
Lilly knew if she opened that envelope there would be no more dinners. There would be no laughter, no more breathtaking smiles or tender touches. The piece of paper inside the envelope would shatter the world they’d built. The sad thing was she had known it was coming. Lilly had no idea how long they’d have together, a year or twenty, but he’d been honest with her from the beginning. Dillon had told her he had a true mate out there somewhere, and one day he might find her. And Lilly had chosen to stay with him anyway. But she hadn’treallyexpected it to happen so soon. Dillon had told her some wolves went centuries before they found their true mate. She’d only had him a few years. It wasn’t nearly long enough.
When she finally stood before the crisp, white envelope, not even realizing when she’d started forward again, she saw her name scrawled in handwriting she knew all too well. Her heart pounded so hard in her chest she worried it might just beat its way out. The air in her lungs seemed to be trying to claw its way up out of her throat as the envelope became blurry, and she realized there were tears building in her eyes. She hadn’t even picked the damn thing up yet. “This is going to suck,” she whispered, closing her eyes briefly, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks. Taking a shuddering breath, she opened her eyes, reached out, and grasped the revolting paper. She crept over to the couch, moving as if she was in a trance, and sank down. The motion made her think of the Titanic.How morbid was that?Perhaps, she likened herself to the massive sinking ship because before too long, she herself would be huge. She’d be an enormous woman, listing in the open ocean, alone, with no one to call for help. “Stop!” she said loudly. There’s no reason to go down that road just yet.
She tore open the envelope and removed the paper from within. Her hands, oddly, had stopped trembling. Lilly wished the rest of her body would quit shaking, but she shivered like a person standing outdoors in Alaska wearing nothing but her underwear. No matter how many deep breaths she took, she couldn’t calm herself. As she unfolded the paper, the nausea only increased, bile rising in her throat. She swallowed several times lest she vomit all over the paper before she even had the chance to read the dreaded words.
For several minutes, Lilly couldn’t even read the words on the page. She simply stared at them as her face grew wetter and wetter from her tears.You’re being ridiculous.You’re falling apart without even fully knowing why. Maybe the letter merely said he had to go on a trip, and he’d be back in a few days.Sure. Lilly mentally kicked herself. If that was the case, then she wouldn’t have had one of her premonitions of impending doom. Now she knew for certain who the sense of foreboding concerned. The portent of dread wasn’t for herself. The horrible feeling had been for her child. The baby growing inside of her would never know his or her dad.
Lilly wiped the tears away, took one more deep breath, and began to read.
My sweet Lilly,
What can I say? Words are not adequate, nor is this letter. The truth is, I couldn’t face you. I am too much of a coward. I couldn’t tell you goodbye without falling at your feet and begging you to forgive me. I wish I could explain it to you in a way that would make you believe me. The love I felt for you was real. It wasn’t infatuation or some silly crush. If I were a human, I would have married you in an instant. But I am what I am. My future is mapped out by the Great Luna. We’ve already talked about all of it, and I know you said you were willing to deal with it when the time came. Looking back, I shouldn’t have let you. I should have argued, put up more of a fight. I should have walked away then so that now the pain might have been less. But neither of us could have realized it would happen so soon. There are no words to fully express how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. But what kind of man does this? What kind of man falls in love with a woman and lets her fall in love with him in return, knowing he can’t give her the world? What kind of man allows a woman to give herself to him in every way, knowing he cannot do the same? There was always a part of me that wouldn’t belong to you. Maybe I should have explained that better. Then, maybe you would have been pissed off and told me to take a hike, which would have been for the best. As possessive as my kind are, I wanted all of you, and I demanded all of you. Yet, I couldn’t reciprocate. I wanted your attention. I wanted your time. I wanted my scent all over you, which always made you laugh. I will miss your laugh. I will miss a lot of things.
You’re strong, Lilly Pierce. You’re probably already kicking my memory to the curb, which is no more than I deserve. I know you will bounce back, and some lucky SOB will sweep you off of your feet. Then, I will be but a pleasant memory, if that. I hope that for you. I hope you will be happy. You deserve more than I could ever give you.
I have cleared out all of my stuff. I didn’t want you to have to deal with it. I’m an ass for not saying goodbye. But I know I would have wanted to hold you. I would have wanted to kiss you one last time. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t because, well, you know why.
I’ve dragged this out long enough. Be happy, beautiful Lilly. I know you will curse me, throw things, and scream. Knowing your temper, you might even try to track me down and kick the shit out of me. I wouldn’t blame you. Hell, I’ll lay on the ground and let you. But that doesn’t change what is, what has to be.
Thank you for the time you gave me. Thank you for giving me you. I had no right, and yet you gave anyway. Two nights ago, you told me you’d given me your heart. I nearly demanded you take it back, but the selfish part of me wanted your heart. I wanted you to be mine, even though I could never be yours. There aren’t enough sorrys in the world. You gave me everything, and I gave you nothing in return. I am truly sorry.
Be well, my wild Lilly.
Lilly crushedthe paper in her hand and pressed her other hand to her stomach. “You gave me something,” she whispered, “something better than any love you could have offered.” Her words didn’t stop the weeping. She rolled off the couch to the floor where she knelt and then folded in on herself until she lay on her side in the fetal position. She had no idea how long she laid there crying, burying her face in her legs and screaming. She could have never guessed it would hurt this bad. Lilly had known she was completely in love with Dillon Jacobs, but she hadn’t known he would have the power to rip out her beating heart. She hadn’t known he would be able to rob her of her breath. Lilly hadn’t known he would steal her life away when he left.
She slammed her fist onto the ground over and over. “NO! No, no, no,” she cried. “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” Her words were slurred from the tears. “This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.” She was pregnant with the child of a man who could never love her, at least not enough to stay. He would love his true mate without equal. Lilly wouldn’t even hold a candle to what Dillon felt for the woman who’d taken him. He’d made it all very,veryclear when they’d had that conversation a year ago. She’d asked him not to sugarcoat it, and he hadn’t. But she’d been a fool. She’d thought they’d beat the odds, and maybe his true mate had died. Why else would he be able to fall in love with a human? To hear him tell it,Canis lupusdidn’t date. They didn’t even date their own kind. It was frowned upon because they each had a true mate that held the other half of their soul. Why waste their emotions on someone else? But Dillon had told Lilly he didn’t feel like he was wasting his emotions on her. The way he’d looked at her, Lilly knew it had been real. But that didn’t mean it would last.
After a while, her devastation turned to rage. She climbed to her feet and picked up the first thing her hand could reach and threw it at the fireplace. It was a coaster, and it shattered. It wasn’t enough. Lilly marched into the kitchen, tears still streaming down her cheeks. She opened the cabinet containing their coffee mugs. To her surprise, he’d even remembered to take the ones she’d bought him. That just pissed her off more. Maybe she’d wanted to keep them. Had he considered that? “No,” she answered out loud. “He hadn’t because he’s a damn, possessive-ass werewolf who thinks he has a right to anything he touches.” Lilly grabbed one of her own mugs and threw it across the room. It hit the ceramic tile with a satisfying crash. She reached for another. One after the other, she threw the mugs, all the while cursing Dillon Jacobs. “You couldn’t even face me, you hairy-assed coward!” she yelled as a plate flew from her hand. She hadn’t even realized she’d gone through all the mugs and had moved on to the dinnerware. Somewhere in the back of Lilly’s mind, she heard a voice tell her to calm down, but she ignored it.
Today was supposed to be a happy day. Today, she’d confirmed what she’d suspected over the past couple of weeks: she was pregnant with Dillon’s child. Lilly had no idea how he would react to the news, but she wanted to think he would have been excited. He’d told her how rareCanis lupuschildren were. And here she was, growing a half-Canis lupusbaby inside of her. Maybe the implications of that should scare her, but her fear paled in comparison to her rage. Instead, she screamed, “Can your new mate dothat?Can she?” Lilly huffed and puffed as she continued to talk to her empty apartment. “Will she love you like I did? Will she run her fingers through your hair for hours just to hear your contented sigh?” Lilly roared as she stumbled. The memories of them together slammed into her, nearly knocking her off her feet. Who knew that mere memories would have the ability to make a person lose control of their physical faculties?
