The boy looked at Skender, his jaw set. “It’s also rare. This kind of love.” He pointed to his mom and then to Skender. “I may be young, but even I know that this isn’t the kind of love you should fear. My mom told me when you love someone, you hold on tightly like she holds onto me.”
Peri watched as Torion placed a small hand on her cheek and then pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you, Mom. I’m holding on tight, and so is Skender.”
Peri looked at Skender and then the unconscious woman. There’d been no change in her condition since they’d been brought to the realm. Tenia remained still as stone, except for a slight rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. And Torion spoke the truth—he and Skender had been holding on tight.
Peri turned away from the emotional scene and walked to the mouth of the cave. She sat down, her feet dangling off the edge and her eyes roaming over the landscape. This had been their refuge since Peri had set part of the world on fire. She watched as several draheim flew in the clear blue sky. Some merely glided, while others dived toward a huge lake where she knew they liked to bathe and hunt for food. They seemed so carefree. No worries, no heartache, no regrets weighing them down. Peri couldn’t remember a time in her long life that she felt that way. In fact, in all of her time alive, this was the worst she’d ever felt. Experiencing the great purge, the werewolf wars, Desdemona, Reyaz, her sister, Volcan… None of it compared to what she endured now. Perhaps obliterating the Order compound had been about more than just defeating their enemy.
As she sat there opening the mental box she’d shoved her emotions into, she couldn’t deny the fact that there had been a sliver of peace that had taken root in her from knowing that her time on earth would be over. Over three thousand years of life. She’d watched the rise and fall of nations. The birth of new civilizations. Armies conquering others in the name of religion, greed, and overinflated egos. Peri had seen the earth endure the chaos of nature and all the awesome power the human Creator had given it. She had experienced some joy—moments of fleeting happiness that were gone in the blink of an eye. But the pain she’d experienced over the past months completely obliterated every ounce of happiness she’d ever felt.
A tear rolled down her cheek, and she didn’t bother to wipe it away. She was tired of not allowing herself to grieve. It was time to give in to her desolation. Peri was so weary of being strong—if that’s what she could call her recent actions. She felt as if she’d been holding her breath since she’d watched Alina’s heart being ripped from her chest. “Shit.” Peri gasped as the images that would never leave her mind played again like a movie, one she’d wished she’d never watched. Alina’s determined stare, her set jaw, the sheer defiance written across her face as she met her attacker’s gaze and held it. There’d been no fear, only resolve.
Peri kept trying to remember if she’d attempted to move the second she realized what happened or if she’d been frozen out of shock. If there had been any hesitation, had it been the seconds needed that could have saved the alpha female? It was a question she hadn’t allowed herself to fully express for fear of the answer. But the truth was, Peri didn’t know. There were times that the battle was a crisp, clear memory in her mind, and other times, it was a blur. She preferred the blur because seeing the faces of those she had lost twisted her stomach until she was sure she’d never be able to eat again. Food was ash in her mouth. Air was like poison to her lungs because she honestly was sick of breathing it. Water, so necessary to life, had become a curse. Three things designed to keep her on this earth, and she wanted no part of them.
Peri swallowed down the agony and forced herself to stop thinking about Alina. Instead, she was taken back to the moment when she’d contemplated attacking the Order compound. The minute she’d made the decision, peace had filled her. She snorted. “Right, peace. Just keep telling yourself that, Peri,” she muttered. She needed to be honest with herself, but at the moment, she’d rather not. But perhaps it was time to not only be honest but to face reality as well. Peace was not the right word. How in the world could she find peace in killing innocents? Torion’s face flashed through her thoughts as she remembered the minute he’d arrived while she’d been in the middle of destroying the compound with the cold fire. Her eyes had met those of the young boy, and along with him, she’d seen Titus, Thia, Slate, and Hope. Innocent children caught in the chaos of her vengeance. Though it had only been Torion present, she’d felt as if the other’s lives were also in her hands.
She was damned if she did, but also equally as damned if she didn’t. If she left the Order intact, they might get their hands on the children again. And if she destroyed them, as she had, she took innocent lives down with the guilty. But not Torion. He hadn’t died. No thanks to her. By the grace of the Great Luna, the draheim Ludcarab captured had rescued them. The only supernatural beings impervious to cold fire—a fact she’d forgotten in the heat of the moment.
Peri remembered wrapping herself around Torion, hoping to minimize the pain he might feel from the cold fire. She’d begged the Great Luna to intervene, to keep Peri’s own choice from taking the life of one so young. The answer had come with the sound of huge beating wings. Peri hadn’t seen the draheim. She’d only felt his large talons wrap around her and Torion. Before the dragon could take off, she’d yelled at him and pointed in Tenia’s direction. Peri had not known if the fae woman was alive, but she refused to leave her body to burn. The large beast had gently scooped up Tenia’s body in his other talon and flown them away from the falling compound. Peri remembered looking down to find a sea of cold fire quenching its thirst with everything in its path. The sight of all the desolation her power caused still sickened her.
Without thinking about her sudden choice, Peri flashed. Maybe she needed to see what the final result had been, or maybe she wanted to punish herself.
A second later, she stood on blackened land of the former Order compound, surrounded by craters and ashes. She turned in a slow circle, her eyes soaking in the emptiness around her. There was nothing left to indicate that a compound full of supernaturals had occupied the space around her. She took a deep breath, and the smell of her magic pushed her to her knees. “What did I do?” she gasped. She laid her hands on top of the ashes. She couldn’t have stopped the tears even if she’d wanted to. They ran down her face, dropping onto the damaged ground. Peri let her hands glide reverently over the remains and wondered who had spent their last moments in this very spot. Did they die quickly, or had the agony ripped through every nerve, lasting until there were no buildings left standing? Was it someone the Order had blackmailed into service? Or was it a loyal Order member who deserved Peri’s retribution? Did it matter? They’d been a living being. This hadn’t been an attack by the enemy. She hadn’t been caught up in the heat of battle, fighting for her life. “But I might have been one day,” she said to her unspoken thoughts.
As she pushed her hands further into the earth, the ashes covered them until they could no longer be seen. If her heart hadn’t been broken before, it was shattered now, seeing firsthand what she was capable of when she let her pain and anger rule. She’d abandoned reason. She’d abandoned her obedience to the Great Luna and taken matters into her own hands. Judge, jury, and executioner.
She wanted to say she was sorry, but her lips wouldn’t move. She didn’t know if it would be true. “What kind of person does that make me?” A sob tore through her as she leaned forward until her forehead pressed against the ashes. Her body shook as she completely released the final reins she’d held on her emotions. “AHHHH,” Peri yelled into the ground until there was no air left in her lungs. Every muscle in her body grew rigid. She attempted to keep herself from splaying out on the ground and begging it to swallow her into the earth. Her hands fisted the remains of all that she’d destroyed. “I should have been with you,” she said. “My ashes should be mingled with all of yours.” But she’d survived. She felt her power growing inside of her, rising with her tumultuous emotions, and she knew she had to get out of there before she did even more damage, if that was possible. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, gripping the remains tighter in her hands. “I’m so sorry.” And she found as the words left her mouth, that she did indeed mean them.
Peri flashed again, but she didn’t return to her spot on the ledge. Instead, she appeared on a high mountain back in the draheim across a valley from where Torion and his unconscious mother lay. She couldn’t return to him. How could she sit mere feet from them when Peri was the cause of the woman's condition? Tenia’s child clung to his mother every night, begging for her to wake up. That was Peri’s fault. “Damn.” She looked down at her hands which still clutched the ashes from the graveyard that had once been the Order compound. Her stomach rolled, and vomit rose up in her throat. Tenia could have been these ashes. She would have died much too soon because of Peri’s need to destroy that which had destroyed her.
“Why did you let me live this long?” she asked the empty space around her, forcing her voice to remain soft. But what she really wanted to do was scream. “If you knew this was going to happen, why did you allow me to live?” Peri opened her hands and watched as the contents blew away out over the forest of the draheim realm until there was nothing left. “If you knew I was going to make this terrible choice, why did you allow air to continue to flow through my lungs?” Her questions were for the goddess who created her. The one who held life in her hands. She didn’t know if the Great Luna would answer, but she asked anyway.
How on earth could one person go on living with all the pain, guilt, rage, and dread that was strangling her? It was too much.
Peri grabbed the neck of her robe and pulled, ripping the fabric away from her throat, hoping it would make breathing easier. But still, she gasped for air. She raked her nails across her neck and fell to the ground. Her legs seemed to be useless to her for the past few hours. Her knees struck the earth with a jarring pain. But the pain was a release.
“WHY!” she wailed and pounded her fists into the dirt. With every smack of the ground, her power radiated through the mountain, shaking the bedrock beneath her. The trees around Peri snapped like toothpicks, and birds squawked as they jumped from the falling trunks and limbs. Over and over, she slammed fist and magic, her voice rising to the heavens, carrying every ounce of misery she felt.
Exhaustion slowed her movements as she knelt, panting, her palms flat against the earth. The skin of her knuckles split, and blood dripped from them. The bright red liquid—a reminder that she still lived while many no longer did. All because of her. “How is it fair?” She asked the question out loud. Her voice was hoarse from her screams. “How many lives will I get to live? How many transgressions must I commit before you will cut me down?”
Peri pushed up from the ground until she rested on the heels of her feet. She could feel the breeze on her skin where she’d torn her robes. The air burned the scratches she'd left on her neck. And her knees ached from hitting the ground. She welcomed every bit of the physical pain. Physical pain was sufferable. The cut of a blade, the scorch from magic, or the claws of a beast were more acceptable than this. “Is this my punishment? Is death too merciful for all that I’ve done?” The space around her remained quiet. No answers came.
“What could you do from the grave?” A small voice spoke from behind her. Peri turned her head to see Torion standing a few feet away. His face was streaked with tears, his eyes red from crying. “How could you help if there’s no life in you to do what you must?”
Peri pressed her lips together and turned away from the child, ducking her head until her chin touched her chest. She bit the inside of her cheek, not allowing the words she wanted to snap at the boy to come out. Damn his ability to flash. She didn’t want to have a child question her, especially not if his questions made her probe too deeply into her own consciousness.
She heard his feet on the ground approach. “Who needs you in the next life more than we do here?”
“There’s more than enough people to step in and take my place,” Peri answered.
“That’s not true.” Torion sat down next to her, so close that Peri could feel the heat from his body. “Did the creator make another just like you? Skender has told me stories about you. All the incredible things you’ve done. What if you had not been there to do them?”
“Someone else would have.” She shifted away from him.
“You don’t know that.” Torion shook his head. “Nobody stepped up to help my mom until Skender came. He says that he has done terrible things. But despite those terrible things, he’s protected me and my mom. If he’d not been there, who would have done it?”
Peri didn’t have an answer for him. Skender was Tenia’s mate. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her, no matter his transgressions, past or present. So, no, someone else wouldn’t have done what he has. “That’s different,” she said. “Skender is the other half of your mom’s soul. He couldn't keep from helping her, or you for that matter.”
“He wouldn’t have been able to if he was dead.”
