“What happened?” he asked, his voice a low growl.
Zara tried to drop her head, but Wadim wouldn’t let her. He held her face in both of his hands, forcing her to look at him.
“Talk to me, Z. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”
Zara wanted to sound strong and capable, despite feeling weak and vulnerable. But her voice betrayed her true emotions. “I was reading,” she finally said. “And then suddenly I was back in that hell … with him. It felt so real.”
“Is this the first time this has happened?” he asked.
She shook her head. Ithadhappened before, but only while Wadim had been asleep and never this vivid. It had taken all her will but, somehow, up to this point, she’d managed to keep the memories from her mate. She knew she was tainted, dirty. She didn’t want Wadim to have to bear that burden.
“You could never be a burden to me,” he said, having picked up on her thoughts. “You’re mine. My mate, my love, and it is a privilege to get to care for you.” He paused, searching her eyes before he continued. “I could feel your terror, but I couldn’t see what you saw. What did he do to you, my love?”
Zara felt so much shame. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Wadim, this beautiful creature that claimed to love her, what she’d done. Her body began to tremble. Wadim placed a steadying hand on her shoulder.
“It’s okay, love. Whatever it is, we will get through it. I told you. I’m here, right by your side. There is nothing you can tell me that will make me leave you.”
Zara took a deep breath. She knew that couldn’t be true. She knew he’d leave once he found out what she’d done … what she was. But Zara knew she couldn’t hide the memories from Wadim any longer. Eventually, he’d see them through their bond. Then it would all be over. Best to rip the bandage off now and get it over with, before this went any further. Before she fell even more for him and the pain of his inevitable leaving got even worse.
“Ander didn’t just drink my blood,” she said. She glanced up at Wadim’s blue eyes. There was no judgment there, but still she looked quickly back at the ground. “He did other things…”
“That’s okay,” Wadim began. “I’ve already told you—”
“No, that’s not it,” interrupted Zara. “He … he … forcedmeto drink his blood too. He claimed it made him a part of me.” Zara closed her eyes as she spoke. “He said I would never be rid of him, that he wouldalwaysbe a part of me.” She began to sob.
Wadim pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her. She cried into his chest, speaking through the tears. “Is that true?” Her voice was muffled. “Even though he’s dead, I still feel him. It’s like he’s still right here with me. Like he’s still putting his hands on me. It is true, Wadim? Is he really a part of me?”
Wadim’s wolf growled, but the man stifled it. “I wish I could say with absolute certainty, no. There’s no kind of magic that could bind your spirits. But I cannot lie to you. I honestly don’t know. But I can promise you this.” Wadim pulled her back and held her by both shoulders. He looked into her eyes. Zara wanted to wrench away. She wanted to run and hide. She looked everywhere but at Wadim’s face. “Look at me, love.”
Finally, she forced herself to meet his gaze.
“I promise you,” he said, “I willfind out. I’ll find an answer for you. I don’t care if I have to read every single page of every single book in this entire archive. I don’t care if I have to travel to the djinn realm and break into their archives. Iwillfind an answer.”
Zara’s trembling began to slow. A faint hope began to blossom in her heart.
“And I promise you this as well. It doesn’t matter what the answer is, I will still love you with everything I have. I don’t care if you have the blood of a thousand vampires or witches or trolls or ogres flowing through your veins, my love. You are mine and I am yours. Nothing,nothing, will ever change that.”
It wasn’t what Zara had been hoping to hear. She’d wanted to hear Wadim say she was just being silly, that nothing like that could ever happen, but she was glad he didn’t tell her a lie just to placate her. Finally, her breathing slowed and the shaking began to stop. She collapsed back into Wadim’s embrace. He held her gently. After some time, he spoke again.
“Have you ever considered talking to someone about what happened to you, Z?” he asked softly as he ran his hands gently across her arm. “Your mind and your body have experienced extreme trauma. I don’t say that to make you feel weak,” he said quickly. She could tell he noticed her sudden stiff demeanor. “I’m just stating facts. I want you to be whole. I want you to be happy and healthy. I’ll do anything to make that happen.”
She looked down at her hands, her fingers clasping and unclasping as she considered her next words. “I don’t like remembering. I just want it to be gone, to be over.”
“Sometimes in order for a wound to heal, you have to reopen it and remove the infection. You can’t ignore that it happened. You have to deal with it.”
She nodded, even though she wanted to stomp her foot like a five-year-old and tell him no. Zara hated to admit it, but Wadim was right. She needed to deal with her past.
“I’m scared,” she admitted after several minutes of silence. She was learning that Wadim was completely comfortable with silence. Despite his quick wit and sharp tongue, he had no need to fill the air with unnecessary words. He was comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with her.
“I know,” he said as he gently ran his hand down her hair. “But you’re safe now. I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you ever again.”
She leaned into his touch. It had been so long since anyone had touched her in a kind, caring way and, though she feared it, she also craved it. And as much as she craved that touch, she also craved the safety he promised. But despite the good intentions behind his words, that’s all they were. He couldn’t keep her safe from the memories or scars that marred her body. He couldn’t fight monsters that lingered in the form of ghosts that attacked her when she least expected it.
“How can you say that? I’m sure my parents promised me the same thing, and look at them now.”
“Maybe I cannot protect you from the hurts you’ve already experienced,” he said, picking up on her concerns—apparently, she didn’t have as tight a hold on the bond as she’d thought she did—“but I can help you as you deal with them yourself. I can be by your side every step of the way.”
Zara had been careful to keep the new bond between them closed when the memories overtook her or the pain became too much, and Wadim had been incredibly understanding about it. He said he could understand her not wanting someone else invading her body after what she’d been through. But that wasn’t the reason she kept the bond closed. She didn’t want him in her mind because she didn’t want him to feel the shame she was drowning in. She didn’t want him to see how she saw herself. She didn’t want him to know she wished the vampires would have just drained her like they had so many of their other captives. Zara didn’t want him to realize he’d been given such an unworthy mate.
