He listens to me, his face completely devoid of expression. I can’t tell if he’s furious, hurt, or bored.
“It makes no sense, and we hardly know each other, but I know enough to know I want it all. I wanted you, Shadow. And you’re back now, but how long will it be until you have to leave? Until I can’t be your top priority, and then…” I don’t want to say this. I don’t want to throw back in his face that I don’t want to be like his mom. Someone he sends groceries to so he doesn’t have to feel the pain and guilt of not being there.
I don’t have to say it, though. Shadow closes his eyes and huffs a soul-weary sigh. “Is that why you haven’t told me about the baby?”
My heart gallops in my chest. I am too shocked to deny it. “How did you know about that? How did you?—”
He points toward my potted plants. “The first night I got here, your doctor’s notes and the prenatal vitamins were right there on the counter.” He lowers his eyes. “You probably didn’t think I’d notice that you hid them away somewhere while I was showering the next morning. I did, Violet. I fucking notice everything.”
He doesn’t come closer to me, but now, he stares me in the eye. “I notice because I care, Violet. This isn’t food poisoning. You’re pale and exhausted. You’re weak and trying to hide what’s going on from everyone. At first, I wasn’t sure if it was because you didn’t know what you were gonna do about the situation. But now, I think it’s because you weren’t sure what you were gonna do about me.”
Shame floods my entire being like an illness. I feel terrible—stupid, even. He’s a smart man. Of course, he would put two and two together.
“It’s yours,” I say quietly, just in case there is any doubt. “I’m sorry. But it is.”
Shadow stands there looking partly stricken, partly shocked.
“But look, I don’t need anything from you. I don’t need child support, you don’t need to be involved. I have a really supportive family. I haven’t even had time to tell them yet, but when I do, my sister is going to want me to move to Chicago, and I know my parents will pressure me to bring their grandbaby back to Atlanta. I have support. I’ll be okay. I’ll send you pictures and emails if you want updates.”
At that, he does move closer, his green eyes sparking with something dark and angry. “You’ll send me pictures?” He rakes a shaking hand through his hair. “Ever since I set eyes on you, I’ve wanted nothing but you. To protect you, to keep you safe. To take care of you. What the fuck makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for my kid?”
I shake my head. “Shadow, we’ve been through this. You took care of me because I needed you to. But life isn’t a tropical storm. I don’t need you to protect me. I love when you do, and I will forever—and I mean forever—be grateful that you freed me from Clive.” I wrap my arms around myself and shiver. “Can you imagine if I had your baby and Clive was out there walking free?”
I can’t think of it. The very idea makes me sick. What he would have done to me or to the baby. The danger I would have felt being on the receiving end of that man’s fury. And the terrifying reality of what happens to women just like me every day who don’t have a Shadow to drive the real darkness away.
“I mean it,” I say. “I’ll never be able to repay you for all you’ve done, but you’re finished now. It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”
“Fuck that.” Shadow shakes his head. “I won’t be okay. I was never okay. I haven’t been okay since you walked away from me almost a month ago.” He starts pacing circles in the kitchen, nearly tripping on my berry-shaped kitchen rug.
I have to hold back the giggles that want to overtake me. This is ridiculous. Insane, really. This could never work. He literally does not fit in my life. And what would I do? Bring the baby to the biker club? The compound has smoking, drugs, booze, sex. I shake my head. It can’t work.
“Violet.” Shadow stops his frantic pacing, smooths the rug with his foot, and then stands on it, so far from me I can’t smell him or touch him. I am glad for that. I don’t think I could think clearly or resist holding him if he moved any closer. “I’m in love with you. I don’t give a shit if this doesn’t make sense. I want you. I want you with me every day.”
I shake my head. It’s what I want too. It’s what I’ve dreamed of hearing. But it’s too late. “You’ll resent me,” I say. “If you stay with me just for the baby, you’ll resent me. And our child. And then we’ll all be miserable.”
Then he comes close to me, holds my arms gently in his hands. “Look at me, please, Violet. Because if you don’t, I’m gonna fucking blow. I can’t take how this feels.”
I look into his face, and his eyes are shining, his formerly unreadable face now a mask of agony.
“I can’t lose you. I want to make a life with you. I want to make a family with you.” He moves his hands from my arms to the sides of my face, and his touch is so light, it’s like he’s afraid he’s going to break me. Or that I could break him. “I want this. Maybe not the strawberries everywhere, but I want our version of this.”
I laugh, a few tears running down my face. “Having a relationship is hard work, Shadow. God knows I tried with Clive, and that went all to shit.”
“I’m not that fucking asshat.” He flares his nostrils and glares at me. “For fuck’s sake, Violet. Is that what you think of me?”
“No, no, of course I don’t. But Shadow, I’ve never, ever had anything like what I’ve had with you. I can’t stand the thought of being away from you for five minutes. If I lose you, it will destroy me. I can’t let anything come between me and this baby, if I have it. Not even my feelings for you.”
“That’s not gonna happen,” he growls.
“You can promise me forever?” I ask. The question is quiet and sincere. Not accusing. “How will that work, Shadow? There’s no room in the compound for a crib. I can’t park a stroller in the garage next to the GTO.”
Now, I’m sobbing. The memories of what we had feel so stolen, so fleeting. Like the past we shared is a closed chapter and we’re wasting our strength trying to pry that book open and find the page where we left off.
He holds me close to him, and I let myself cry against his chest. He breathes into my hair, and I feel the hum of his breaths, the patter of his heartbeat.
I carry a part of this man inside me, a life that is as much him as it is me.
Someday, will I see the curve of his brow on my little baby’s face? When I teach my child to play in the sun, will I think of him every time I see a shadow? I don’t know how people do these things. Raise families. Love and lose. I feel so unprepared. All I know is what’s in my heart, and none of what I feel makes any sense.
