I can’t go anywhere, it seems, without Clive—and trouble—following.
How is this my life?
I try to release Shadow, to push away from his heat and the comfort of his size, but he won’t let me. He holds me firmly, cupping the back of my neck and breathing kisses into my hair.
“Enough,” he says. “You are not ruined.”
He sits on the couch and pulls me into his lap. I curl up against him, resting my face in the crook between his shoulder and neck. I don’t want to cry, but I’m overcome with sadness. I’ve never been taken care of by anyone—not Clive, not other exes. Yes, I have parents who love me and a sister who probably would kill or die for me, but that’s family. I expect nothing less from them.
Making my way in the world has been impossible. I chose a career but never had whatever it took to find love. I thought I had love, and that turned out to be nothing more than manipulation and control. Now, the job and the future I thought I had are gone in the blink of an eye.
What’s left? I start to spiral.
Maybe I can waitress or work at a bookstore.
I stop only when I feel Shadow’s hands lift my face from his shoulder.
“You ever been to prison?” he asks me, holding my chin so our eyes meet.
I shake my head sadly. “No. I imagine it’s pretty bad.”
Shadow’s body goes rigid, but he doesn’t release my face. “You want to feel like the most worthless piece of shit alive?” he asks. “Get yourself locked up. In there, you got nothing. Family won’t call, won’t visit. The shit you did on your worst day becomes the only thing that matters. Not a thousand good days before. It all comes down to your worst choices.”
He shakes his head. “You’re not ruined any more than I was ruined by spending time on the inside. You’re smart, you’re gorgeous. You have a degree and skills. All you need to do is believe here.” He taps my breastbone with a finger. “Believe that this is a detour on your path, babe. That’s it. A wrong turn. A closed exit. You’re still behind the wheel. It’s not too late. For somebody like you? It’ll never be too late.”
My eyes flutter closed, and I grab the fingers he’s holding against my chest and bring them to my lips. I kiss them.
“How did you find the strength to remake yourself after you got out? What did you do?” I ask.
“I took it one day at a time. Now, come here.”
He kisses my cheeks, my eyes, the tip of my nose, and then my lips. I relax into his comforting touch, grateful that my lowest moment, the detour on my path, brought me here to him.
Our kisses are soft and sweet, until I feel him harden beneath me. I can’t help grinning. My God, this man. He is insatiable.
I reach down to stroke him through the denim. I’m already wet, hoping there’s still time before I have to leave again to take this man. To feel his body inside mine. To touch him, lick him, love him.
I’m realizing so many things about myself through this experience.
That maybe I had to be ruined to release the purest, newest form of myself. The word “shadow” starts to take on a new meaning for me.
It’s not just what’s left behind, the darkness that lurks within us. Maybe it’s the simplest form of what we really are.
When the bullshit is pulled away, all that’s left is what’s most true about us.
I can only hope that some of what I’ve experienced the last couple days isn’t just true. I need this to be real.
11
Shadow
Violet sucks my dick like her mouth was made to fit me. Her tongue laps the barbell more confidently now, like she’s no longer afraid she’ll pull it out or hurt me. Her confidence would be sexy if I had the brain cells to think. Right now, with her hand cupping my balls and her head bobbing on my hard-on, thinking is the last thing I can do.
We’re still on the couch, and when I’m good and wet, she stands before me naked. I don’t care how many times I’ve seen this woman, every angle, every new glimpse of her, brings out something violent, primitive, and possessive in me. I want her.
I reach for her and bring her close. “Straddle me,” I demand, and she centers herself over me.
She’s about to sink down and lower herself when she stops, the muscles of her thighs rippling. “Condom…”
