This is where I belong.
This is my family.
My home.
I walk down the stairs, calling out softly so I don’t scare the shit out of them. “You didn’t have to stay quiet for my sake.”
Eden turns, and Juniper squeals out, “Veelo. Veelo.”
Eden laughs and repeats after her daughter. “Veelo.”
They meet me at the bottom of the stairs. Eden studies my face. She looks so happy to see me.
“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” I tell her.
Her eyes mist, and she grins. “You just want to get some later,” she teases.
“Did it work?” I ask.
She waggles her brows at me and moves Junie to one arm, stepping close to fold the three of us together in an awkward family hug. I clutch her tightly and smooch Junie loudly on the cheek.
“You must be starving,” she says. “We waited to have dinner.”
“You did?” I ask.
She nods. “Come on.” She passes Juniper to me, and I cuddle the soft, happy, wiggling thing in my arms.
“How was the park, Juniper? Did Auntie Sassy take you on the swings?”
Juniper starts babbling, and I try to follow her very excited syllables while we walk behind Eden into the kitchen. She pulls Juniper’s kiddie seat up to the table, but when I try to put her in her chair, she tightens her arms around my neck. I swap a look with Eden, and she nods, a huge smile on her face.
Since the little nugget seems to want to stay with me, I sit down in the eating nook and settle her on my lap. She’s drooling, and a little puddle of spit falls on her chin. I wipe it with my thumb and then wipe the drool on my pajama pants.
The agony of my shift hovers like a shadow behind my back, but my back is strong. Stronger now with my family around me. I’m okay. And I’m going to be okay. Because tonight is just another night.
We’re going to eat my parents’ leftovers. Put this perfect baby to bed. And then I’m going to ask about Eden’s day. Listen to the stories of her new job. I won’t share what happened because I want to protect her in every way I can. Even from the demons that chase me down. But that’s okay. Because together, we are safe. Together, we are strong enough to weather the job stresses. The money worries. The tears and the laughs. Together, we are home.
18
EDEN
I fucked up,and I mean I fucked up bad.
The last month of my new job has been a blur. I have so many passwords for so many systems, I spend half my time searching for my notes and trying to remember how to do the thousand little things that come up in a day. Gennie must have been the world’s most patient person because almost every morning, I wake up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about the notes I’ve taken to try to remember how to do everything.
It’s not getting any easier. In fact, it’s getting worse.
Every morning for the last four weeks, I’ve had to drag myself out of bed and remind myself that it’s normal to be completely lost at a new job.
It’s completely normal to have to ask a thousand questions.
It’s completely normal to feel like a failure from the moment I pull into the parking lot until the moment I pull back out at the end of my workday.
As far as employers go, Michelle has been great. Friendly, positive, patient. She’s strict, though, and I can sense her losing patience with me as the days creep by.
The other day, I was technically not on a lunch break but was so desperate not to feel stupid for five minutes, I started reading a book on my phone. Of course, that was the exact time that Michelle walked out and caught me reading. She was not happy, and she asked if I had spare time, if I would please ring her so she could train me on some other aspect of the business.
I felt ashamed. I mean, I’ve had jobs before. Lots of them. I started working the second I could get a work permit at fifteen. I know better than to slack off while I’m on the clock, but this is nothing like what I expected.
