I lower my head and close my eyes. Did I love Nathan? My answer to that is so easy, but it makes me feel even shittier.
“I never loved him.” I almost whisper it. “God, Vito.” I tug my fingers through my hair. “Do you know what it’s like to be so out of your depth? You probably don’t. You have a great family. You’re loved. You have people.” I think back over the series of stupid decisions that brought me to LA, and maybe it’s the fact that I’m in the back seat of the car and I can’t look at Vito.
Maybe this is like some kind of confession or therapy session. Or maybe it’s just the first time anyone has shown a real interest in what I’ve gone through, but I just start talking.
And once I start, I’m shocked how good it feels to let some of this go.
“What we had wasn’t love,” I say. “It was confusion. I was so lost in LA.” I look out the window at the green lawns and mature trees, the clean streets and perfect sidewalks. Star Falls is literally a world away from where I’m from. “You’ve probably heard a little about my childhood from my aunt. My dad left me, and my mom died in prison. She was locked up for attacking a boyfriend with a hammer. And when Mom got sent away, her druggie boyfriend took responsibility for me.”
Vito jerks the truck, but he quickly rights us. “Sorry,” he growls. And it is a growl. “Did the boyfriend mistreat you?”
“No. Actually, Mom going away seemed to calm Bruce down a bit. He cleaned up his act and left me totally alone. I went to school, cooked for myself, cleaned the apartment. He got himself clean for a little while, but he definitely didn’t want to be somebody’s stepdad. He worked when he could and actually kept food in the house. Paid the bills.” I bite my lip at the memory. Mac and cheese in a box isn’t food to some people, but during the eighteen months Bruce lived with me, I never went to sleep hungry.
“That didn’t last long,” I continue. “Ma passed in prison. She had an appendicitis attack but didn’t get medical attention fast enough. And then one day, when I was seventeen, Bruce packed up his shit while I was at school. He left me a hundred dollars in cash and told me the rent was due on the first or I’d have to pay a penalty.”
My eyes start to sting when I think about what happened next. How scared I was to be alone. “I’d gotten used to Bruce,” I say quietly. “He wasn’t family, but he didn’t do anything bad. But as soon as he was gone, I needed to figure out how to pay the rent, how to buy groceries. That was when I decided to try to find my dad. Of course, that was impossible, but I did find my aunt, Shirley. She’d never stopped sending me birthday cards and letters over the years. When I told her Mom died and Bruce had left, Shirley came to my apartment. I begged her not to call child services. The last thing I wanted was to be put into foster care at seventeen.”
Vito pulls into the parking lot of the hotel and turns off the car. He faces forward, his head lowered. “Go on,” he urges.
“Well, the rest is pretty simple,” I tell him. “Aunt Shirley paid the rent on my apartment until the day I turned eighteen. After that, I decided I wanted to move someplace that I picked. Someplace that I wanted to be. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. But I’d spent so much of my life living with people who didn’t want me, in places I didn’t want to be, I picked the most glamorous, exciting, fun place I could imagine. The City of Angels.”
I smile even now, thinking of my former home. “I worked a ton of random jobs, lived in shitty apartments, and made a really bad choice dating a guy who showered me with attention but who wouldn’t be there in the long run. But to answer your question, no. I’m kind of sorry to admit it. I got swept up in the romance of being wanted. But that’s all it ever was until Junie. Because of her, I have zero regrets.”
I smooth her sweaty curls back from her face and hope I’ve told him enough but not so much. I mean, I know my story is a lot, and there are still details I haven’t shared. But he wanted to know my story and the situation, and that’s it.
Most of it, at least. The bits I can share.
“Did you want to come in for a bit?” I ask him. “I think she should sleep for about another hour if I can get her inside without waking her up.”
Vito is quiet, but he unfastens his belt and runs around to the rear doors to grab Junie’s diaper bag.
I perform a feat of acrobatic wonder, sliding my hands under Junie’s butt and setting her on my shoulder in such a smooth movement. She does wake up but then blinks those long lashes and mumbles, “Mama,” and falls right back to sleep.
Vito locks the car, and I ask him to grab the keycard to my hotel room from a zipped pocket in the diaper bag. He unlocks the door and holds it open for me. I immediately go into the bedroom, where I have a pack and play set up for Junie. I tuck her in and wait to make sure she is going to stay asleep, then I quietly close the door behind me and head back to the living room.
I half expect to see Vito awkwardly standing by the door, just waiting to bolt after the miserable story I shared in the car. Instead, he’s sitting on the couch, and he’s spread out all the glossy listing sheets from each house we saw on the coffee table. He’s looking over each one, but when I come back into the room, he stands.
“So, I sorted these in price order,” he says, pointing to the sheets. “Maybe we go through each one and make a list of pros and cons. A couple of them I’d scratch off the list completely, but I want to know which ones you liked because if I saw red flags in a place you’re thinking of buying, I got a buddy who can do a real home inspection for you. Figure out the cost to fix the problem, maybe get some money off the asking price so you can make the repair before you move in.”
I’m staring at him, not saying a word, just taking in everything he’s saying. I realize I’m staring when he comes around the table with a concerned look on his face. “Are you okay? Am I being too pushy? If you want to make this decision on your own, I’ll butt the fuck out, I just…”
I shake my head. “It’s not that. I expected you to run after I told you all that shit about Junie’s father. About my upbringing.”
Vito cocks his chin and lifts one of those perfect, deep brown brows at me. He steps closer, and I can smell the same sensual aroma of his cologne.
“Eden.” His voice is low as he reaches for my chin. He cups it in his hand, and his lips curl into a grin. “What you told me only makes me believe even more strongly that you’re a fucking amazing woman. From everything I’ve seen, you’re a totally dedicated and loving mom. You’ve had a hard life, and you’re here for your fresh start. Why would I run from the strongest, sexiest, most resilient woman I’ve ever met?”
He releases my chin and chuckles. “Just don’t tell Gracie I said that.” He jerks a thumb toward the couch. “Come on, you got a house to buy and a home to make for yourself and that little girl.”
He plops down onto the couch like this is something we’ve done a million times. I pull a pen and some paper from the hotel kitchenette and start making notes about the homes.
“While we’re on the subject of this house, are you sure you want to buy?” he asks. “You’re thinking you’re going to stay in Star Falls?”
I nod. “Aunt Shirley’s been after me to move here since my mom died.” I toe off my shoes and shrug out of my wrap. It’s getting warm in the late afternoon sun, but the windows in this all-suite extended-stay hotel don’t open. If I want to cool off, I have to click on the air or lose a layer. “I figure if I buy a house now, I’ll have enough equity by the time Juniper is grown to either sell if I need to or pull money out of the house. That’s one thing I really want to do with my life,” I say, admitting what I want more than anything.
“I never grew up in a house. Never had a savings account. Never knew how to manage money because there was literally never a spare penny. I want to have the life I always wanted. Of course, for my daughter, but not just for her. I want something good that we can share. I want more than what I’ve had.”
As soon as I say the words, I remember that Vito’s ex-wife left him because she wanted the finer things in life.
