He lifts my face to his and kisses me, long and slow and sweet. I hum and sigh at the ease of it all. We’re not rushing. No one to hide from here. Heat pools between my legs, and I know I’m going to struggle with this huge comfy bed and hours of privacy ahead of us.
He pulls his lips from mine just far enough to whisper against my mouth. “We’re finally alone.”
“Ryder, I…” I swallow, my throat feeling like sandpaper. “I want all of this,” I tell him. “Fuck, I want all of you. But I can’t. Not tonight.”
Ryder looks concerned, his brows knitting together. “Are you okay, Gracie? What’s going on?”
I’m not sure I want to tell him everything. How can I open up about my health and not completely obliterate the mood?
“Hey.” He loops his arms around my waist, and I rest my back against his front. Our eyes meet in the bathroom mirror. He’s smiling and nodding at me. “Whatever it is, I can handle it. You don’t feel ready for sex for any reason, it’s off the table. I’ll shut the door, and we won’t come back in here. Unless, I mean, you have to pee or something.”
I chuckle and shake my head. It’s nice looking at him this way. Seeing us together makes something shift in my chest. I’m seeing us the way the world does. Like a couple. Two people bonded and together. There for each other. Ryder literally has my back right now. And I’m not sure there’s ever going to be a good time to tell him everything.
So I watch his face and explain. “I have a gynie appointment Tuesday,” I say. “I have to have a test done, so I can’t have intercourse until after the test is over. Bad timing,” I say sadly. “When I found out we were going to have this date, I thought about rescheduling the test. But they schedule based on my cycle, so…”
“Why would you reschedule? If you need the test, my God, get it done, Gracie.” His face is worried, his lips drawn thin. “Is there any chance something is wrong? Is this a routine thing?”
I nod. “There’s a chance I won’t be able to have kids, or if I can, that it won’t be easy. I…”
This is where it gets to be impossible. Do I share everything? On our first official date?
“Gracie,” he says, turning me to face him. “Don’t worry about telling me. I want to know everything there is to know about you. I don’t care about sex tonight or what date this is. I am falling for you. So if it affects you, it matters to me.”
I take his hand and lead him to the table by the first date station. I hold his hands and give him the simplest version of the story. “I’ve only been pregnant once,” I tell him. “It was an accident. I hooked up with a guy, and he’s totally out of the picture now. Not a part of my life. He ghosted me, actually, and it was a pretty horrific and shameful experience.” My face is lowered as I tell him about the miscarriage.
“Holy shit,” Ryder says. He gets up from the table and pulls me close in a hug. “First of all, I wanna know the name of this fucking douchebag.”
I laugh. “Get in line. My pops has already decided he’s willing to spend his retirement years in prison serving time for assault.”
“I can’t let your dad do it alone,” he says, holding me tight. “There are no words, Gracie. What you went through. My God. You’re so strong.”
He holds me, and a few tears of gratitude wet the front of his shirt. I knew deep down that he would be supportive and understanding. But now…
“Ryder.” I lift my face to look at him. “I’m sorry to ruin the mood.”
“Stop.” He holds a finger to my lips. “Never, ever apologize for being honest with me. I want to know the truth, Gracie. After everything I’ve been through, I can handle whatever it is that’s happening with you. What I can’t handle is lies. If you need me to be there when you have the tests, I can try to…”
I shake my head. “No, it’s okay. My mom is taking me, and I promise, if I need anything, I’ll let you know.”
“Are you afraid?” he asks.
I sigh. “Honestly, yeah. But not of the test or pain or anything. I’m afraid what I’ll feel like if I know for sure I can’t have kids of my own. My family is so big and so close. It’ll be weird thinking that this is it. Just me. Living with my parents until I die.”
Ryder chuckles. “You know, Gracie, I doubt that you have to live with your parents just because you don’t have kids. You can get a place of your own. Or, you know, move in with a boyfriend. Or husband. If someday you were to have one of those.”
I nudge him in the ribs. “You think maybe someday I might have one of those, huh? Maybe?”
“I’ll make you your own key,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “No hiding it under the mat.”
I can’t reply to that. Just grab him and hold him tight. I scratch my nails along his back and breathe in the scent of him. There could be a real future with this man. A future where we love each other, and it doesn’t matter whether or not the children in our lives came from my body. Together, we could make a new branch on the family tree.
He pulls me toward the bed. “Sit,” he says. “I’m gonna get all our stuff together. Let’s get this date started.”
I kick off my boots and tug off my sweater, then climb onto the bed on top of the covers. Ryder comes back from the bathroom with a hand towel and the massage oil and sets that beside the bed. Then he gathers all the snacks and drinks, toes off his boots, and climbs on the bed beside me.
“So,” he says, “your choice, Gracie. Where do we start?”
I point to the massage oil. “Can we use that without…”
