“It depends on how you do.” She lifts her brows and nods at me. “So, talk. Timer starts now.”
I sigh but agree. If I ever want to face what I’m really feeling, I’ve got to admit it to myself.
“When Elizabeth passed, she left behind some money,” I explain. “Not a lot. She had some life insurance from her job, and her parents had taken out a policy when she was a kid. We had some savings too, which I lived off until I sold our condo and moved here.”
“Why did you leave Columbus?” she asks, adjusting herself into a more comfortable position on her bed. “I mean, wouldn’t it have been easier to stay close to your friends and your in-laws?”
I cover my mouth and yawn. “Sorry,” I say, “not the company.” I debate how much to tell her. I’ve never explained what happened with Elizabeth. Is there ever really a good time? “I, uh, got into a little trouble after Elizabeth passed.”
She quirks up one of those brows, and I smile even though what I’m about to share is far from funny. “So, you’re a felon?” she teases. “All that identity theft talk wasn’t just jokes?”
I shake my head. “Nothing that white-collar,” I admit. “The story is long, but I’ll make it short. Elizabeth got pregnant with Luke while she was on a break from her forever on-again, off-again boyfriend. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was the rebound guy. And I knocked her up. We’d been dating about eight months, and she said she really wanted to try to make things work with me.”
I’m not able to hold back my sadness. It still makes me feel like shit, even now. “Elizabeth thought I was the whole package, you know? A teacher, stable job. A better father figure than the other guy, Owen, would have been.” I laugh, a bitter, grating sound. “I didn’t realize when we got married that she was still completely hung up on Owen. She wanted the dream, but she wanted it with the guy she loved, and that man was not me.”
Gracie moves the phone closer to her face. She looks tearful, and her lips are parted. “Ryder, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine you being anyone’s second choice.”
When she says that, real anger flushes my cheeks. “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I wave a hand in front of my face, trying to force the feelings to keep moving. I have a little more to get out, and I’d rather do it and not fall to pieces sharing it.
“Spoiler alert. Having Luke didn’t save our marriage.” I shake my head and can’t resist a sad smile. “We were in the process of separating when Elizabeth got pregnant again. That’s right…Oops number two.”
Gracie’s lips are pressed firmly together like she’s biting back tears, so I try to lighten the mood.
“Potent swimmers,” I say. “I should maybe double or even triple bag in the future.”
Maybe my joke is in poor taste because Gracie pales and doesn’t look at all like she thinks it’s funny.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “This is a shitty thing to joke about.” I groan. “I’m a mess, Gracie. My life is a mess. I wouldn’t blame you if you cut and run now. I really hope you don’t,” I say, meaning every single word, “but now’s probably the time. I’m getting…attached to you.”
She’s quiet for a moment and just looks at me through the video feed. “I’m waiting for the felony part? So, did you get carted off to jail for stealing boxes of condoms because you couldn’t afford to double-bag it?”
I chuckle. “Right. That’s where the story gets good. Both of Elizabeth’s pregnancies were smooth, and of course, once we found out she was expecting again, we hit pause on getting separated. But as soon as Cora was born, Elizabeth developed a heart condition that I guess is very rare. She was sleeping while the kids were napping and went into heart failure. Didn’t know the signs, and she passed. Here’s where it gets even uglier.”
I sniff hard and brace myself for what I have to share. “It turns out that her ex-boyfriend had a key to our place. He was supposed to come to the condo to see her that day, and when she didn’t answer his calls or come to the door, he let himself in. My wife’s former lover is the one who found her dead in our bed.”
Gracie must drop her phone because I see a flurry of movement, and then the camera is facing the ceiling. “For fuck’s sake. No fucking way.” I hear her shouting, and then a wild swath of color covers the camera before she’s holding the phone upright again. “Ryder,” she breathes. “I don’t even know what to say.”
I nod. “It’s okay. It’s a lot, I know. So anyway, Owen called the ambulance but did not bother calling me. The hospital called me when they pronounced her dead.”
The story gets a little ridiculous from there.
The fucking mess of calling Elizabeth’s parents.
“When I laid eyes on Owen at the hospital, I tried to tackle him. I planned on beating his face in, but I ended up twisting my knee, falling to the floor, and going to the hospital myself for an X-ray. Didn’t even land a punch.”
She’s quiet now. I can almost see her mind working a million miles a minute.
“Gracie,” I grit out. “It’s okay if this is a lot. It’s been a lot for me. My life has been full of disappointments and missteps. I left Columbus for a fresh start, but yeah. This is all a fucking lot. I know.” I wish I could tip her chin, look into her eyes, and reassure her with a touch. Hold her close.
Instead, I bring the phone farther from my face so she can’t see the tightness of my smile as I fight an unexpected wave of emotion.
“I don’t feel like it’s a lot,” she says quietly. “It’s life. If your shit’s heavy, well, mine is too. I get it. Thank you for sharing all of this. I just wish I could hold you. Hug you. Let you know that none of this changes what I think about you. Except the Owen part. I really hope you beat his ass eventually.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “By the time reality set in, I was too worried about raising a newborn and a toddler on my own to deal with assault charges. Besides, if I really did beat the asshole to a pulp, I could have lost my teaching license. Back then I just…I was just reacting. I felt so deceived. Like my whole life had been a lie. And then there were these two kids… They were the only things that kept me tethered to reality. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Everything was a mess and I wanted to blame Owen, but in the end…it wouldn’t have changed anything.”
Gracie sits upright and holds the phone a little closer to her face. I can see a gravity in her eyes that melts me. “Ryder, I really want to see you. A conversation this heavy shouldn’t happen over the phone.”
