He laughs, and we each scoot to separate ends of the couch. We put our feet together on the middle cushion so at least our legs are close.
“Ma tells me you might want Mama Dog,” I say. “Is that your idea or hers?”
Oh God. He starts right in on it, doesn’t he? “Well,” I say. I nibble my lower lip and try to think how to say this without really saying it. But then I figure, nope. Honesty. For better or worse, I’m putting my truth out there. “I do want the dog. I know it’s crazy, but I sort of hoped if there was something here—” I wave between him and me “—that I could use your yard for her sometimes. I mean, that’s if I can get the landlord to approve her here.”
Even as I say the words, I know they aren’t entirely true, so I walk it back.
“God, that’s not it either. Not really.” I look the man on my couch in the face and decide for real this time, I’m putting myself out there. “Franco, I…” I look down at my hands. “I know it’s fast,” I say, “but I’m falling for you. And I… I… I’m…I’m gonna shut up now. I think I’ve said enough.”
Chickenshit.
I’m rambling like an absolute teenager, but God, if that’s not what this feels like. I bite my lip to stop myself from professing all my needs.
He quietly gets up from the couch. He doesn’t say anything. He just paces and clenches his hands into fists. Paces and clenches.
I rush on to fill the silence between us. “I get it, Franco. You’re not in the same place as me. And like I said, it’s all happening so, so fast. You’ve done a lot for me the last couple of weeks, and I have been so happy. Really happy. With you. You gave me a reason to stay in Star Falls, you know? But if you don’t feel the same, I understand. It’s okay. Maybe this isn’t where I’m supposed to be after all.”
He stops pacing and looks at me. “You can’t make that decision because of me, Chloe.” His voice is low. “You need to choose the life you want for yourself. Whether or not I’m in it, I don’t want you to stay and run your aunt’s business if that’s not really what you want. And if you’re not sure…”
“What do you want?” I ask, tucking the blanket tighter around my body. This is a hard conversation to have without any real clothes on. “Like, really want, Franco? We haven’t talked much about your past dating life or if you want to settle down with someone. Have a family…” I swallow against the sudden dryness in my mouth. “You can have anything you want,” I remind him.
Please say me. Please.
He sighs and rubs his fingers along his forehead. The hair has flopped down out of its perfect style, and he looks torn. “It’s not… It’s not that…” He starts pacing again.
I get up off the couch.
Tonight is about our words.
Our heads.
Our hearts.
“I’m falling in love with you,” I say simply. “I’m sure of it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And I know it’s too fast. Maybe to you it was an easy fling. Something that was fun while you were helping me out. And that’s okay. I’ll be okay.” I put a hand on his sleeve, trying hard to keep my touch light. As much as I want to be brave, to be strong, standing here in underwear and his tank top pouring out my feelings feels horribly vulnerable. Horribly exposed.
But I think about who I want to be. The life I want to have. I’m not sure if Star Falls is going to be home for me. I’m not sure that I want my aunt’s store and apartment and her things. I want my own life. Not a hand-me-down. Franco is the very first thing I’ve ever chosen for myself. Asked for. I have to be okay if he doesn’t want me too. I just have to be.
Franco swallows, and I watch the knob in his throat move. His plush lips, so kissable and soft and full, pinch together. He’s still not talking. Still not opening up to me.
That’s answer enough for me. I don’t just want to own my own truth. I want to be worthy of his.
“Were your parents ever happy?” he asks. He sounds young. Almost meek.
I shake my head. “Not that I ever knew or saw. I mean, I suppose when they were young, right? They had to be for a time. Why?”
He stalks back to the couch and takes his place at the far end. “I’ve never known anyone like my parents. Anyone who got a happily ever after.”
I nod. I understand that. “I want that,” I tell him. “But it only works when both people want it and work toward it together.”
“What if we don’t?” he asks. “What if someday you wake up and think, fuck, why this guy? I want a guy who reads. A guy who knows all the book stuff I love so much. That’s never going to be me, Chloe. I read, yeah, but your life is a bookstore. Someday you might think I’m fucking stupid. Beneath you.”
I shrug. “I don’t know why that would happen. I don’t think that now. And as far as I can tell, most of the time, the truth is something we either embrace or ignore. Unless it’s hidden from us so we can’t really face it. You’ve been open about what you read, and that hasn’t changed how I feel about you. So, if you’re not hiding anything and I’m not ignoring what you really are…”
He nods, but he looks unsettled. He’s fidgeting on the couch, so I sit up and let the blanket of armor fall away again.
“Tell me,” I say gently. “Are you afraid of the future and what might change? Or are you not sure what you feel right now?”
“I know exactly what I feel, and I…” His eyes shimmer, becoming even more intense. “I don’t understand it. A month ago, my life was perfect. I had everything I could want. I had my shit together. But then you and those shitkicker boots come to Star Falls, and all of a sudden, everything changes.”
