“Water would be nice.”
“I have beer or whiskey,” I lie.
She wanders toward the table and chairs near the window and sits with a straight back, folding her hands in her lap. “Whiskey, neat.”
My heart pounds inside my chest, and I’m trying to play it cool as I start to pour her drink and one for myself. She’s casual with her hair in a messy bun on top of her head, still damp from the shower, and colorful leggings with an oversized T-shirt. “I’m sorry for not messaging you,” I say when I sit down across from her and slide her glass across the table.
“We’re both busy.” She shrugs it off and stares into the amber liquor. “You have no loyalty to me, Titan, and you certainly don’t owe me an excuse.”
“But you’re wrong.” I wait until she looks up at me before I speak again. “I know you think I’m toying with your head, Reagan, but I’m not.” I give her a halfhearted smile, but her face is unreadable. “When I kissed you, we were just two people sitting on a bench and in the moment. I wasn’t Jude Titan, your opposition. Just a guy and a girl acting on the attraction we both feel.”
She doesn’t say anything to me, but her eyes drift back to her glass so I continue.
“After I saw you, the day I never replied, I ran into an old Marine buddy. We fought together and were part of the same unit in Anbar that came under attack. He came to give me some news, and I haven’t been able to get beyond what he said to me.” Tears could easily fall if I don’t keep my eyes trained on her.
“Jude,” she whispers, peering up from under her lashes.
I shake my head, clearing my throat and feeling that I need to explain it all to her. “It’s like I’m in a tunnel, helpless to find the light I so badly need. No matter how hard I chase it…it stays out of reach.” My fingers dig into my hair, and I fist it in my hands. “Sometimes I fall into the pattern and let my past dictate the moment, but I’ve grown better at moving beyond the paralysis it causes. Until I saw Jim.”
“What did he say?” she asks softly.
“He brought a letter from a man we both served with—someone who couldn’t make his way to the end of the tunnel. He became trapped and crippled by darkness. Jim delivered a letter Kurt wrote before he took his own life.”
She sits in silence, her chin quivering as she stares up at me. She reaches across the table and sets her hand on top of mine. “It’s not your fault,” she says softly, stroking my skin under her fingertips.
“I’ll always feel I’m partially to blame.” I sigh, but I don’t move my hand away. Her touch calms me. “I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most, Reagan. Everyone failed him.”
Her entire body is motionless except for her fingers still pressed against my skin. “How did you fail him?”
“If I had been there for him, maybe he’d still be alive today,” I admit, and it’s so painful I squeeze my eyes shut. Finally saying the words feels like a dagger is twisting in my gut.
She lays her other hand on my forearm just over my tattoo. “You can’t think like that, Jude.”
My chest aches, and the back of my throat burns when I talk. “How am I wrong, Reagan?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes people can’t be helped. Even if you were there with him, he may have still…” Her voice trails off.
I sigh. “I know, but it doesn’t make it hurt less that I wasn’t even there to try. It’s one of the reasons I’m more determined than ever to win this race.”
“Oh.” Her voice is low, and I almost don’t hear her when she speaks except I see her lips move.
“We don’t do enough for our veterans. Some come back from war broken both mentally and physically, and there aren’t enough services to help. They fight for our freedom, yet they’re so easily forgotten.”
Her head tilts, and her messy bun falls to the side. She grips my arm in her hand. “What was it like?”
“It’s nothing like they show in the movies. It’s so much worse. I don’t even know if I can put it into words. Have you ever seen someone die? I’m not talking about in a hospital pumped full of pain meds either.”
Her brows furrow, and she bites down on her bottom lip. “No.”
I resist the urge to move, because her skin against mine is the only thing that stops me from losing it. “It’s not peaceful. The worst part is when you’re trying to save your life and the lives of those around you while your buddy lies on the ground dying and pleading for you to save him, but no matter what…you can’t.”
She glances down and closes her eyes. “That’s horrible.”
“Death is violent and final. War is more frightening than anything I’ve ever been through. Wondering every day if I’d see the sun set again or watch the color come alive in the morning. There isn’t a moment’s peace. The only thing we have in combat is each other, and when you can’t help the one person that’s counting on you—it’s soul-crushing.”
She peers up at me with tears in her eyes. “But you saved Kurt.”
“I did, but for what? He went through months and months of treatment for them to repair his body the best they could, but they didn’t do enough to chase away his demons. It’s the ones we’re all running from, but some of us are better at dealing with it than others.”
