I turn to face my mom. “What do you mean?”
“I’m happier now than I was then.”
“You always seemed happy to me growing up.”
“I wasn’tunhappy. I had my kids, and I felt like I was doing something noble by being the wife of a senator. Supporting the greater good or something.”
“You couldn’t have known what was going on, Mom.”
She looks out at a boat passing by. “I don’t mean all of that. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and in retrospect, even if your father had been who I thought he was, it wouldn’t have been worth it.”
“How so?”
She starts to speak but hesitates, then shakes her head. “I don’t think we should go there. You’re in the thick of Jude’s campaign for governor. You don’t need to hear my thoughts on this right now.”
I arch my brows with curiosity. “I want to hear your thoughts on it, though.”
She sighs softly. “It wasn’t worth it. Sometimes I ask myself if all the time your father and I were apart was part of the reason he strayed.”
“Mom.” I shake my head. “You can’t think that way. He was wrong. So wrong. There’s no excuse for it.”
“I know.” She nods in agreement. “I really do. But what I’m saying is…our relationship was never…magic, you know? It was always about how far he could go in office and what things looked like to the outside world. We lived for appearances. If I could do it over again, I’d do it so differently.”
“How so?”
“I’d marry a man for whom a life with me and our children was enough.” She sits back against the bench. “A man who didn’t want to be powerful or influential. Who wanted to coach little league and go to ballet recitals.”
I think back to all the times my mom sat alone in the stands at my sporting events. The parent-teacher conferences she attended by herself. The dinners where there was an empty seat at the table.
We were often on the go. That was our life, just like my life is now.
“Tell me about Ben,” I say, trying not to think about how deeply her words are impacting me.
“Oh.” Her cheeks turn pink as she smiles. “He’s a retired physics professor. He loves sailing and cooking.”
“Sailing? Have you been sailing with him?”
“A few times.”
I nudge her and laugh. “I can’t believe you’ve been holding out on me. A physics professor who sails? Does he have his own sailboat?”
“He does. He was born into a wealthy family, but teaching has always been his passion.”
“And do you feel…magic with him?”
She wraps her arms around herself, and a grin spreads across her face, lighting her up. “I do. For the first time in my life, just being together is enough. When he looks at me, I feel like there’s nothing more in the world he wants at that moment. And I feel the same way about him.”
I fight back happy tears. “Mom, I’m so thrilled for you. You deserve that kind of love and happiness.”
Her smile softens. “So do you, Reagan. You know I adore Jude, but sometimes I wonder if the two of you are paying the same price I did. Giving up too much of yourselves in the name of public service.”
I look down at my lap. It’s like she can read my mind. I’ve been having the same thoughts lately.
“I don’t mean to overstep.” She puts her hand over mine. “I just want you guys to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. I want you to do better than I did.”
“I know, Mom. I’m feeling it too. There’s this constant feeling that we aren’t doing enough. That we need to get up earlier to start campaigning, stay out later, add one more event…”
“It never ends.” She shakes her head. “Even after your father won his Senate seat, the campaigning never ended because he had tokeepit. And if Jude becomes governor…that’s an even bigger stage. With more pressure. Seeing the stories in the news about this woman accusing him of harassment…” She sighs heavily. “It’s been hard for me, Reagan. I never want you to go through what I did.”
