Me: Me either.
Tilly: The only night I’ve slept well was last night.
Her words hit me square in the chest. When we fell asleep on the couch, I couldn’t believe I didn’t wake up before Tate. I hadn’t slept in later than her in three years. I spent every night tossing and turning, reaching for Marissa, only to find nothing but emptiness.
Me: Me too, actually.
Tilly: Are we moving too fast?
I laugh and shake my head, realizing everything I’ve been feeling is normal. I’m not alone in my unease, or in finding the ability to move forward almost paralyzing.
Me: I don’t know, Tilly. All I know is that it feels right.
Admitting my feelings isn’t easy, but Tilly deserves truthfulness.
Tilly: Are the kids okay?
Me: Better than okay. Tate asked when you’re coming for breakfast again.
I had a long talk with Tate when I put her to bed. She had a million questions about Tilly. The little thing is enamored of the cupcake-slinging Southern belle. I tried to be open and honest, but I didn’t want to get her hopes up. I explained that Tilly and I are just friends, but I could tell by the way Tate was looking at me, she didn’t believe a word of it.
Tilly: I hope we didn’t confuse them.
Me: They’re bored with me. They miss having a woman in the house.
I do everything I can and am both the mother and father, but there are some things I fail at no matter how hard I try.
Tilly: They just like my cupcakes.
Me: I like your cupcakes too.
I add a winky face to the message before I hit send.
Me: I have the day off tomorrow. Want to grab dinner?
Tilly: I’m running behind on the shop. Can I let you know later in the day?
There’s a twinge in my chest, and for a second, I regret being so forward. But I know anything worth having is worth fighting for. Marissa was never one to let life pass by without seizing every moment. I need to at least try to carry out the wishes of my dying wife. I need to move forward instead of waiting for the few moments she comes to me in my dreams.
Me: What time are you going to be there?
Tilly: Probably nine. Why?
Me: I’ll come help. That way you can’t say no.
Tilly: I won’t turn down your muscle.
Tilly: That sounded way dirtier than I intended.
I laugh so loud, I cover my mouth because if the kids wake up, I’ll want to shoot myself.
Me: I am totally not offended.
Tilly: Phew. I was going to claim to be sleep-texting tomorrow if you were.
Me: I better let you get back to sleep.
Tilly: Get some rest too. You’ll be no good to anyone if you’re exhausted tomorrow.
