He makes me want and crave things I haven’t wanted in far too long.
10
Angelo
The evening’s going better than I ever could’ve imagined. I haven’t felt this comfortable around someone in so long. There hasn’t been a moment of quiet, and for that, I’m thankful.
“Another?” I ask, holding the pitcher of beer in my grip as I fill my glass.
Tilly nods and pushes her glass toward me. “I could drink you under the table,” she teases and leans over the table. “Don’t forget, I grew up on moonshine.”
“I beg to differ. I don’t drink often with the kids around, but I’ve been known to hold my liquor better than most.”
“Want to put your money where your mouth is?” She raises an eyebrow, challenging me.
God, I love a woman who’s willing to gamble, especially on trivial shit that really doesn’t matter.
“Maybe. I don’t recover as quickly as I used to when I was younger. A hangover with two little kids is not fun.”
She winces. “I can’t even imagine. I don’t know how you do it.”
“What? Take care of the kids?”
“How you survived,” she tells me as her mood darkens, and she stares down at her beer. “I couldn’t even take care of myself for a long time. I don’t know if I could’ve kept two kids alive in my grief.”
“My family helped for a while, especially Lucio. But you kind of go on autopilot and just take it day by day. There’s so much I don’t remember from the first year because I went through the motions in a complete fog.”
Sometimes I’m surprised we all survived Marissa’s death. I couldn’t have made it through that dark time without my family. There are days, even now, I’m not sure I can do it, but the kids pull me forward and keep me in the present.
“I know the feeling.” She sighs and brings her green eyes back to mine. “Do you ever feel guilty?”
“Every day.”
“I feel guilty right now,” she admits.
“Do you feel like you’re cheating?” I ask.
She nods slowly. “There’s always a part of me that’s thinking about Mitchell, and being here with you, enjoying your company, somehow feels wrong. Like I’m cheating on his memory and our vows.”
I know exactly what she’s talking about. Everything feels like a betrayal. Even breathing, when Marissa no longer can, feels wrong. The guilt has waned over time, but sometimes it’s still suffocating.
I reach across the table and place my hand on top of hers. “I feel the same way, Tilly. I don’t think you can truly love a person and lose them without feeling that way.”
“I haven’t been out with another man since.” She’s staring at my fingers as I swipe my thumb across her wrist. “I haven’t let another man touch me since then either.”
“When you say forever, it’s hard to open yourself up again. My family keeps telling me it’s time, but…”
“No one knows unless they’ve been through what we’ve been through, Angelo.”
“This is the closest thing to a date I’ve done since Marissa died.”
Michelle wasn’t dating. That wasn’t love. There were no feelings involved. We never went all the way either, and I never kissed her on the mouth. It never felt right. That’s why I knew there wasn’t a future for us, but I wasn’t sure how to tell her until she chose to leave town.
In the end, the limited pleasure wasn’t worth the guilt I felt afterward.
“Well.” Tilly turns her hand over, intertwining her fingers with mine. “Why don’t we call this a date, even though it’s not. Then we don’t have to say we haven’t? We’ll make this the first part in our comeback, or at least, get a few people off our backs.”
“That could work.”
