I peer up, eyes filled with tears. “I need things to make sense.”
He touches my chin. “I don’t know if life will ever be normal or that we’ll ever get the answers we want.”
Five years later and the government is still investigating Mitchell’s missions, trying to figure out what went so terribly wrong. My husband wasn’t the only casualty that day. He was one of five brave SEALs tasked with rescuing American hostages behind enemy lines.
“Answers won’t change anything,” I whisper and drop my head back against his chest.
He wraps his arms around my body, rubbing my back. He’s warm and smells amazing, just like his brother used to. “Nothing will take away the sadness. The only thing we can do is go on and try to find a new happiness.”
I twist his shirt between my fingers, using the cloth as a tissue for my tears. “I’m trying.”
Roger grumbles, hating when I ruin his clothes with my snot, but he doesn’t chastise me. “You see your pain in Angelo, don’t you?”
“I see a different kind of pain, Roger. One that may be more profound. Scars that run deep.”
“What do you mean?”
I keep my face planted in his chest, finding it easier to talk when I don’t have to look at him. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I try explaining what’s going on in my head. “His wife died of cancer.”
“Okay.”
“When Mitchell died, it was a shock. Everything changed in a single second, you know?”
“I do.” He blows out a breath, probably remembering when the Navy showed up at my front door.
I was the one who had to tell Roger about his brother. I was notified first since I was his wife and legally his next of kin. Showing up at Roger’s door, having to tell him his only brother was gone was more than my heart could bear. Saying the words made it real, and I wasn’t ready for what would follow.
“Angelo lived in hell for months before she died, Roger. You know how cancer works. Treatments, doctors, chemo, and everything that goes along with trying to survive.”
“I know all too well.”
Roger’s best friend died of cancer two years ago, and the toll on him was immense. I remember watching him struggle to hold it together, going through the grief that still hadn’t healed from Mitchell.
“I wish I could’ve said goodbye to Mitchell. I wish I could’ve had time with him to say everything that needed to be said. Angelo had that. But he had to endure the months of watching his wife die slowly before his eyes.”
“Oh, Tilly,” Roger whispers against the top of my hair as he holds me tighter. “You can’t compare grief and loss.”
He’s right. Grief is grief. There’s no easy way to do it. There’s no one way better than another. But there’re things I wished I’d said to my husband that I’ll never be able to say.
Roger’s hands cup my face, forcing me to look at him. “The one thing I know is my brother loved you. There wasn’t anything you could’ve said to him that he didn’t already know.”
“You’re right, but that doesn’t make it easier.”
Roger brushes my damp hair away from my face. “I went through the slow process of dying with Chet, baby. I don’t know if I could’ve done that with Mitchell. I couldn’t have sat there, day after day, seeing him dying and knowing there was nothing I could do.” Roger closes his eyes, and I can hear the emotion in his voice. “Mitchell left us doing what he loved. He was born to be a military man. He was a fighter and one of the damn best there was too. He’d want us to celebrate his life, and he for damn sure wouldn’t want you alone forever.”
“I don’t know if I could leave this world and tell him to move on without me. I’m not that nice of a person, Roger. I’d be haunting his ass from the great beyond if he ever laid his hands on another woman.”
Roger laughs and shakes his head. “I have no doubt you’d be relentless.”
“I like Angelo,” I whisper like I’m confessing a sin. “I feel guilty saying those words too.”
“You two are tied in grief. You’ve experienced something very few people have at your age. It’s only natural you’re going to be drawn to him.”
“But I’m not just drawn to him because of the pain.” I hate saying those words out loud. I feel guilty wanting another person or feeling the almost forgotten flicker of lust.
“He’s hot if you like that look.” Roger makes a face.
“You mean hot? He’s such a hardship on the eyes.”
