His shoulders sink, and he releases another, deeper breath, lowering his head a little.“I never went to sleep,” he tells me, and I believe him.He sounds exhausted, not that I feel sorry or anything.“I’ve been fighting with myself all night.All this time, you’ve been taunting me.Throwing my work ethic in my face.Acting like there’s something wrong with me for devoting so much of my life to the family.”
“I don’t think that is the same as?—”
“Let me finish,” he snaps, shutting my mouth before he sighs yet again.“Let me get this out, all right?Then you can chew me out.But I need you to understand something, and this isn’t easy to say.I spent hours trying to come up with the words, then convincing myself I should share them with you in the first place.”
Safe to say this is not what I expected.I’m getting a feeling he’s about to open up in a way he never has, and I’m hanging on every word.Maybe some of the mystery will be solved because I can’t make any sense of him.
“Do you want to know why I’m shut down so much of the time?”he asks, slowly angling his body on the stool until he faces me.My God, he looks as haunted as he sounds.“Because if I’m not, shit like last night happens.If I am not practically numb, I turn into what you saw upstairs.”
Is this a joke?He’s a grown man, and this is the best he can do?
I’m still swimming in confusion when he continues, “A long time ago, I had a girlfriend.”
Oh shit.
“I was a different person then.Like an animal.Cocky, always one side-eye away from beating the shit out of somebody.I’ll spare you the details.”When he waves a hand, I see his father.I wonder if he knows how many of Rocco’s habits he’s picked up.
“One night, while I was out with her, I spotted somebody I knew was deep in debt to the family,” he continues.“College basketball.He lost a fortune and was ducking us.I was only going to intimidate him a little, but he took a swing at me and… he regretted it.”
Message received.
He snickers, staring at the coffee table rather than looking at me.“I didn’t know she had followed me out of the club, but she watched me beat the living shit out of this guy, and by the time I was finished, we were over.She couldn’t forget what she saw.I don’t blame her.She made the smart move.”
So that’s why they broke up.No wonder Guilia didn’t know the details.She was too young.It was too personal.
“About a month later…” he continues, his voice fading a little, “… I ran into her at a bar out on Long Island.She was with some asshole I vaguely recognized.He used to organize drag races.Drove like a fucking maniac.I only wanted to talk, but she shut me down.I followed her out and watched her get into his car.And I followed them.I was obsessed.I wasn’t going to let her get away, especially not with him.”
He shudders, and dammit, my heart aches before he murmurs, “I was close enough behind them to see the car flip.”
Jesus Christ.I have to catch my breath before whispering, “Oh no.”
“We were out on one of the back roads, probably where he was used to racing,” he muses.“I guess he figured he could drive as fast as he wanted with the road empty like it was.I still don’t know what happened… maybe a raccoon darted out in his path.I got out and ran to the wreck, which was starting to burn.I wanted to get Monica out, but… she was already gone.”
A tear spills over my lashes and rolls down my cheek.I can’t help it.I’ve never heard anyone sound this broken.What does it feel like, living with that memory?This was someone he loved, and he witnessed her death.
“It wouldn’t have happened if she were still with me.”There’s a razor’s edge in his voice now, something vicious running under his words like a river of poison meant only for him.“I pushed her away by being who I was, so I stopped being who I was.All of me, everything, has gone into the family since that night.Whenever I lose sight of that, last night happens.”
His brows draw together before he chokes out, “I end up hurting the last person who deserves it.I destroyed the first good thing that’s happened to me in a decade.I saw it happen, the way your eyes changed.Like hers did out in that alley, once she saw the man I really am.”Hanging his head, he drops his shoulders in defeat.
Now I see.
And now I stand and let his pull over me draw me in because he’s hurting and hates himself.I hear it.I sense it in the air.I see it in the way he flinches and turns away when I touch his bare shoulder.
“It’s all right,” I whisper, stepping up behind him, winding my arms around his waist, and touching my lips to the back of his neck.“I’m here.I’m not going anywhere.”
“Because you signed a marriage license,” he scoffs.
I wish there were nothing but a signature on a license keeping me here, with my arms around him, and the need to provide a little comfort almost as intense as the need to breathe.I don’t know what to do with everything swirling in me now—sympathy, tenderness, regret over the nasty comment I made about him not being able to find a wife.
Instead of trying to put it into words, I only murmur, “No.That’s not it.”
I have to back up a step when he turns around, his bloodshot eyes staring deep into mine.This man has the capacity for insane violence.He has the power to make a phone call and end countless lives if he feels like it.I’m sure he’s got more than a few lives on his conscience already.
All I see right now is someone who’s been hurting for a long time and probably doesn’t even know he needs to forgive himself.
Running a hand over his sharp cheek, I murmur, “Why don’t you take a shower, shave, and I’ll fix something for breakfast?”
He lifts an eyebrow.“Really?You want to be in the same room with me after what I did?Are you going to poison my food?”
