“Luca and I will cross paths down here now and then.”My brother isn’t as disciplined as me.Big surprise.“I can sometimes get Papa on a treadmill or the stationary bike.”
She’s wearing a funny sort of grin when she steps up onto the machine, facing me.“That’s nice.Like you set it up for the three of you to work out together.”
That wasn’t what I had in mind at all, or was it?I never consciously thought about it that way, but now I see she has a point.Maybe I did secretly hope the three of us would spend a little more time down here together.A break from being in the office or at dinner meetings so much of the time.Funny how she saw that right away.
As she pops AirPods into her ears and taps buttons on the display, I have to remind myself I’m down here for a reason other than noticing her legs or wishing her bra wasn’t so snug so her tits would bounce a little more once she starts running.
She’s turning me into a hopeless pervert.
A pervert who has to fight the hard-on threatening in my boxers.
I’m painfully aware of her as I cross over to the lat pulldown machine and check the weight setting before straddling the bench.She’s behind me, but the mirror covering the wall gives me a look at her ponytail swinging with every stride, fists pumping once she goes from a steady jog to a solid run.Nice form.
She stares straight ahead at the television, so determined, almost snarling.Pushing herself, punishing the machine with every stride.Don’t stare.Right, like I’m not going to stare harder than before, knowing I shouldn’t.
This is absurd.She’s my wife, yet here I am, tiptoeing around her.This isn’t me.I don’t wait around, twisting myself up with questions and doubts.I get shit done.I have to be decisive.There is no room in our world for second-guessing.A man has to be determined and stand by those decisions, or else the entire house of cards crumbles.
So why can’t I look at her for fear of what will happen if I stare too long?
“I could never be with a man like you.”The bitterness behind those words still slices like a white-hot blade when they come to mind.How is the sweet voice so clear after all these years?The woman I believed was my future, who owned my every waking thought from the minute I set eyes on her.How is it possible that after all this time, the memory of her scorn stings the way it does?
Probably because I deserved it.
“Are you okay?”Sophia’s breathless question yanks me back into the present moment, where my wife has slowed her pace to a walk and now studies me in the mirror with concern etched across her sweat-slicked face.
“Of course,” I tell her, though I hear the unusual volume and sharpness of my response.It’s totally unnecessary, considering I’ve been sitting here for fuck knows how long and would be as curious as she is.“Lost in thought.”
“About last night?”she asks.Is there something antagonistic in the question?I can’t tell.A sense of unease prickles the back of my neck, telling me to tread carefully.
Nodding, I reply, “To be honest, I’ve had that on my mind today.”If she weren’t here, I would have left the gym a while ago.I would probably be showered by now, ready to move on to the next part of my day.Instead, I get up and grab the spray cleaner and paper towels sitting nearby, intending to wipe down the equipment I’ve used.“I’m still curious about this Enzo fucker.”
“Curious?Last night, you seemed a little more threatened than anything else.”She crosses the room and comes to a stop on the other side of the machine while I fight like hell not to follow the progress of a single bead of sweat that has started to roll enticingly down her chest.It’s almost shocking, the intensity of the hunger that slams into me all at once and makes my fists tighten.
Control it.Get it together.Usually, all it takes is that stern reminder to get my head back in the game.I’ve spent a decade since losing everything honing my ability to compartmentalize, to shut down my baser instincts before they flare up.Heat and frustration spread through me, which doesn’t exactly make it easier to rein myself in.
“He couldn’t threaten me if he tried for the rest of his life.Why shouldn’t I be curious?”I counter, wiping the bench.“He’s your ex, and he wasnothappy to see me last night.Tell me I’m wrong,” I add with a grunt, then snickering to myself when she lowers her gaze.
Her lips barely move when she murmurs, “You were curious about him… but not about what all that messiness did to me, right?Because that’s not whatactuallymatters.”
She’s not tiptoeing around anymore, is she?No, she’s standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, her chin raised in silent defiance.Going for a run makes her feisty, evidently.“How about the way I opened up to you, and you totally glossed over how emotional I got?So busy making sure I know who I belong to that you ignored my feelings.”
“I didn’t do that.”For fuck’s sake, there is no such thing as ignoring her.I wish I could.“I’ll admit, I was a little possessive, but?—”
“Ignored,” she insists.“I was too overwhelmed last night to call you out, but it has to be said.”
If there’s one thing I’ve never dealt with very well, it’s being unfairly accused.Mama used to tease me about my sense of fairness, joking that I would be the family’s first judge one day.I was always a stickler for even the slightest perceived insult, and not only when I was the one being insulted.If Luca was accused of doing something he didn’t do, I was the first person to stand up for him.
A familiar pressure builds in my chest.Stop it.Control it.The version of myself that I have worked like hell to overcome is dangerously close to the surface, and the worst part is, it’s a sensation I’ve craved for too long.There’s satisfaction in it.A sense of coming back to myself, in a way.Of no longer denying who I am.
“I could never be with a man like you.”Monica’s last words to me.
I’ve had to live knowing the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to build a future with, was so scornful toward me in those last minutes of her life.The man I used to be pushed her into another man’s arms, pushed her into that car, pushed her to…
And this is why those memories get locked away.
My heart is a few thuds away from bursting out of my chest.
In my head, I visualize ice water being thrown over a fire, leaving nothing but clouds of steam behind.Is this my future?Avoiding my wife for fear of her bringing out the worst in me?
