My heart sinks. I want to tell her to stay. I want to ask her to stay forever, and never leave, and whatever anyone thinks be damned.
But I’m too old. I can’t tie down a woman this young to a man my age.
She hesitates at the door, turning back to look up at me.
“Thank you,” she says quietly.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“Yes, I do.” She reaches up and strokes my cheek. “You made me feel like I’ve never felt before, with anyone. And I…” She sighs, her eyes dropping from mine. “I’ll never forget it.”
“Me neither.”
She smiles, still not looking at me. Without another word, she slips through the door and out into the cold Fall morning.
Just like that, she’s gone.
I stare at the door for a long time. I don’t know what I’m expecting. Maybe I think she’ll come running back, like the stupid old fool I am. Everything feels heavy.
Heavy and sad.
The next few hours are spent floating through the day like a lost ghost. Laurie sends me fourteen snaps on her way back from Connecticut, my phone pinging wildly as I change the sheets on my bed. Once the laundry is on and washing, I head to the gym.
I keep my eyes forward, determinedly forward, as I drive past Amber’s house. I try to ignore her little blue Golf in the drive.
It’s quiet, being a Monday morning, and I work out until my muscles are screaming at me and my body is drenched in sweat. Even the gym manager, Corey, tells me to take it easy when he can see me pushing myself. It’s better than thinking about Amber though. This pain I can soothe with a bath and some tiger balm.
God I am a fucking fool, moping like a heartbroken teenager.
I get home, taking the alternative route through the neighbourhood so I don’t pass her house again, and head for the shower, feeling the tiniest bit better once I’m clean. Wandering the kitchen and realizing I hate all the food I have in my house, I decide to just fuck it all and order a pizza.
Crippling depression and carb-loading - the day is going great.
I pick up my phone, and there’s a couple of pictures from Martin, from his son’s baseball game. I don’t know why, but I hit the green phone icon, and call Martin’s number.
“Hello there little brother,” he says in a low voice. “Your busy weekend over?”
I laugh awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah, all over.”
“And? When do we meet her?”
I rub the back of my neck as the thought of my family actually meeting Amber makes me break out in sweat. “Oh, no, it’s… It’s not like that. It was just a casual thing.”
“Too much information, Theo.” Martin’s tone is teasing, and he sniggers quietly. “Not that I’m not happy for you, of course.”
“Haha.” I roll my eyes, and run my fingertips along the wooden countertop. “Can I ask you something?”
“It’d be kinda weird if I just said no, I guess.”
“Did you… I mean, when you were younger, before you were married, did you…” I take a deep breath, wondering how to formulate this question without it sounding really weird. “Did you sleep with a lot of people? I mean, that you weren’t in a relationship with?”
Martin chokes out a laugh. “What?”
“I mean… Fuck. What am I trying to say?” I press my thumb and fingers against my closed eyes and growl out a breath. “Did you ever have problems with casual sex? Like, it made you feel gross? You hated one night stands? You only had sex with girlfriends?”
“Oh, you’re asking if I’m demisexual?”
My hand drops from my face. “What?”
