“You don’t show it. If anything, you seem irritated by everything by the time I get home. You don’t want to spend time with us that much anymore. You’re too busy with the PTA and class mom stuff and you’re opening your wine earlier and earlier.” He turns to look over at me every few seconds as he speaks, his mouth finishing in a firm line.
I glance down at my fingers as they weave together in my lap. His words hit hard. “You know this time of year is busy. There’s so much to do for all the classes and the PTA and getting things set for summer. It’s not fair to use that against me when I’m trying to organize and set things up for what I’ve signed up for.”
He takes my hand in his and squeezes. “But, Les. Youhatedoing the PTA and being class mom. Why do you take it on every year if you despise it so much?”
“I don’t hate it.” But even I don’t believe the words as they come out of my mouth. Because I’ve never enjoyed being on the PTA or being the class mom. Sure, it has its benefits like getting to see the kids in school and get a feel for their class environment. But I don’t enjoy doing it, or the stress it brings me.
“I have to do something with my time, Trent. What else am I supposed to do? What else will make me successful? I was voted most likely to succeed, my parents always expected more and more of me, and what have I succeeded at besides creating a family? Which I can really only take half the credit for.”
“You’re an amazing mother. You can be that. You can find a part-time job, volunteer, go back to school. You can do anything you want, Les. Hell, I don’t give a shit if you sit around on your perfect ass and read books all day. I want you to be happy in your life and happy with us.”
“I am. It’s just busy this time of year. The stress is getting to me.”
“I’d believe that if it was only recently, but it’s not. It’s been going on longer than that, and I’ve been quiet about it because I was chalking it up to stress. But I don’t know, for some reason it just felt right to finally bring it up. This is going to be something that hopefully opens your eyes to see what’s really going in your life.”
“Is this why you’ve been so frustrated with me lately?”
“Part of it could be. It’s hard to feel like you don’t appreciate your life when I work hard for us and so you can stay home with the kids and not have to worry about going to work every day. Because those three adore you more than you realize. But in all honesty, I’m not at all looking forward to the prospect ofDavidbeing there.” He says the name with so much disdain it almost makes me laugh.
“I know you don’t like him, or that I was with him, but it was such a long time ago and he may not be there.”
“What I don’t like is that he still seems to want to have a connection with you. And sometimes I wonder if you do too. If that’s the life you feel like you missed out on or wonder what it’d be like had you stayed with David.”
“That was never a possibility.”
His silence says more than his words could. And what it screams is that he doesn’t believe me when I tell him I didn’t love David. Or at the very least that I didn’t love him enough to stay with him.
I can’t begin to imagine the demons and scenarios running through his head. The blame he puts on himself for our breakup is more than it should be.
We found our way back to each other, and while it was certainly a possibility that we wouldn’t, I never would have stayed with David. I know in his mind David is just the face of that possibility of us not being together which is something he struggles with, despite the fact that we’ve been together for so long.
But combined with how he thinks I feel about life, maybe he thinks I wish I never came back to him in the first place.
How my life would be different with somebody else, I can’t tell you. I’d always wanted to have a family, so that aspect wouldn’t be all that different except I obviously wouldn’t have the kids I have now.
He needs to let this go. “Listen to me when I tell you that there is zero chance I would have stayed with David. I broke up with him before school even ended. And it had nothing to do with the fact that I figured I might see you at Stanford, especially because you broke up with me. I had assumed that meant you were done and off living a grand college life without me.”
“It could have been anybody, Leslie. I was a damn fool, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”
“But you have to because things worked out how they’re supposed to. We’re together, we have those three beautiful children you reminded me about earlier. You have to let go of this feeling that had you not broken up with things would be something different. Especially because I wasn’t with anybody when we got back together. I was single and enjoying that life.”
Silence surrounds us again but it’s far less uncomfortable than it was last time.
If only Trent knew how things really went down, maybe he’d forgive himself.
Chapter 21
Ten Years Ago
TheconversationI’vebeenavoiding for weeks finally feels like it can’t be put off any longer.
“David, we need to talk.”
He slowly shuts his locker and looks at me with that intense gaze I’ve come to enjoy. “That can’t be good.”
I hug my books tighter to my chest. “Not now, though.”
“So, you’re going to drop a bomb on me in the middle of the day? What’s this all about, Les?” He moves to stand in front of me and pushes his hips into mine while he tips my chin up so I can meet his eyes.
