***
This past week has felt both endless and gone in a blink. Elijah’s barely been around, and while part of me is grateful for the space, I can’t deny how much I miss him. Tomorrow is Friday, our night. For nearly four years, it’s been our routine: superhero movies, junk food, and him on my couch like he belongs there. Like he always has. It’s our thing. He’s been my constant.
But lately, it feels different. Every time we’re together, there’s this pull, like gravity, impossible to resist, and yet somehow, I feel like I’m losing him. Losing my friend. And no matter how much I pretend that’s all he is… I don’t want to.
Elijah is the reason I can breathe through the hard days. The reason I smile, keep dreaming, and keep going.
When the only thing holding me together was the idea of this store, he showed up like the universe sent him just for me. I would’ve quit a thousand times if it were just me. But Eli didn’t let me. He gave me the strength to keep pushing.
Imposter syndrome is cruel, especially when people around you make you feel like you're never enough. Elijah, Laura, and later Mia, they believed in me even when I struggled to believe in myself.
But now, one of those people, maybe the most important one, is pulling away.Well, that's not true, I'm pushing him away.
But after that kiss the other night, I’m a mess of emotions. He’s giving me space, and I’m grateful. Ireallyam. But… I can’t shake the feeling that if I say no, if I tell him I’m not ready, he’llwalk away. Not just frommore, but fromus. From the friendship that’s been my safe place for so long.
And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to lose that.
And what do I do when my emotions get the best of me? I make reckless, irrational choices. I know this is beyond stupid, but still, some part of me believes Ihaveto do it. Like there’s no other way.
I stare at my phone, screen dark, fingers clenched around it like it's holding answers it refuses to give.
The silence in the store stretches long and heavy, wrapping around me like a weighted blanket. I can’t sit in this anymore.
I head to where Mia’s rearranging the little reading nook shelf with staff picks. She hums softly to herself, blissfully unaware of the storm brewing behind my ribs.
“Mia?” I say, voice a little too tight.
Mia doesn’t look up right away when I walk into the reading nook, but the moment I sit beside her on the oversized circular armchair, she glances over.
“You’ve got that look,” she says.
“What look?”
“The one that says you’re about to do something either stupid or emotionally reckless. So, which is it?”
I huff a laugh and pull my knees up onto the fluffy chair. “Bit of both, maybe.”
She sets the books down, fully focused now. “Okay. Talk to me.”
“I want to make a dating profile,” I blurt out.
Mia blinks. “Wait—you want to go on dating apps? You’ve always said they were a dumpster fire.”
“They are,” I say quickly. “But I think I need to try.”
She studies me carefully. “Because of Elijah.”
I nod once. “He kissed me, and now he’s avoiding me. Or giving me space. I don't know. I just know that when I’m aroundhim, it feels like gravity bends. And when I’m not… it still feels like he’s in the room.”
Mia is quiet, letting the words hang.
“And I know it’s stupid to think I’ll find anything real on an app,” I continue, voice softer now. “But maybe if I put myself out there—just a little—it’ll remind me that I’m capable of… moving on. Of feeling something else. Or at least, pretending to.”
She frowns. “You don’t have to pretend, Ava. Not with me. And definitely not with some stranger in your DMs.”
“I know... but I can’t take that step with him. Maybe with someone else—but not with him, Mia. Because if he leaves me, if we don’t work out, and I lose his friendship too... I know I won’t survive it this time.”
Mia reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing it gently. “Okay. We’ll make a profile. But I’m not letting you lie about your favorite movie or pretend you love hiking.”
