Lillian laughs softly. “She was disguising her face, yes. But there was nothing obscure about her instructions when she told me it was time for me to go watch over you.”
I frown. “But if Syntyche is my mother and you worked at her temple, why was Galene the one who sent you to me?”
“I don’t know all her reasons,” she shrugs. “But she had me swear not to reveal your true nature to anyone, including you. She could see all the possible outcomes, including many futures where you figured out what you were too soon and died fighting Amadeus before you could fulfill…”
Lillian trails off, squirming uncomfortably.
And suddenly, I can’t help recalling Del Mar’s dying claim that my existence was orchestrated.
“Before I could fulfill the reason I was made,” I finish out loud.
It rings true in the quiet. I wasn’t just born—I was made with a purpose in mind.
As in…I was always going to be a means to an end. Before the Nether. Before Amadeus picked me to be histelum.Before I even existed.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, realizing Syntyche must have had me with Amato out of necessity, thanks to Galene’s visions. I’m just a result of the machinations of the gods.
A fucking cosmic Band-Aid.
“Maven,” Lillian says softly, drawing my attention back to her earnest expression. She clearly guesses where my head went. “Remember. You’re a person, not a thing.”
It sounds like an obvious statement, but it’s the same thing she used to tell me after a hard day of conditioning in the Nether—whenever I’d spent hours in the necromancy lab, or dripping with sweat and blood in the arena, or even after I’d lost control, berserked, and woke up feeling like a stranger in this body.
I felt like an instrument of death. I felt like Dagon’s masterpiece and Amadeus’s scourge, just an object with one single purpose.
I feel that way again now, but I push that unhelpful emotion deep down to ask, “What was in it for you?”
Lillian pauses. “What?”
“Galene asked you to voluntarily go into the Nether, where you could have been killed while watching over me. Surely she offered you something in return if you agreed.”
Her attention flits to the photograph on the small table, and she finally nods. “She told me I needed to redeem myself if I wanted to see Annabel again, in the Beyond.”
“Redeem yourself? You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever known.”
Sometimes to an obnoxious degree, but I won’t hold her better qualities against her.
“The truth is, I made a lot of extremely poor decisions before I met Edgar. I was every kind of sinner you can think of, through and through. Lying, cheating, stealing, always putting myself first, running from the law, blaspheming against the gods?—”
“Youhave a checkered past? I’m impressed. And honestly, a little proud.”
She laughs, shaking her head. “I was a mess and didn’t care to get better. I knew I would be in trouble once I got to the Beyond, and years later, after losing my innocent little Annabel, that thought haunted me constantly. So yes. Galene did promise me that in exchange for watching over you, my past would be dismissed, and I would immediately find peace in the Beyond with Annabel again.”
Lillian looks at me very seriously, tearing up.
“But even if I didn’t atone for my past, and even if I never get to see my daughter again…I regret nothing, Maven. I would have gone through every single day in the Nether with you all over again, because you became another daughter to me. The truth is, I needed you more than you needed me.”
Damn it. NowI’mtearing up.
To stop the emotions threatening to get out of control, I quickly down the rest of my hot chocolate before grumbling, “Everyone keeps eulogizing me in the past tense. It’s weird.”
“We thought you were dead,” she shrugs sadly, staring at the fire. “I knew you might have ascended to Paradise, but I couldn’t give false hope to your quintet—and thanks to my agreement with Galene, I couldn’t tell them the truth about you. I considered going to other strongholds to help other Nether humans adjust, but…I just couldn’t leave your quintet. Deargods on high, Maven, these poor boys have been breaking my heart.”
I look at the door, hoping Everett returns quickly. Once again, I feel the bizarre heat in my chest where a heart should be.
“Do you have any idea where Crypt could be?” I ask quietly.
Lillian’s face falls. “I’m sorry to say I don’t. But…I also can’t say I really met Crypt in any way that counts. He was completely checked out and rarely came out of Limbo in front of anyone except Everett. I also never met Baelfire. I’ve tried talking to Silas in fae sometimes, but he’s not usually himself, and it’s not always safe to visit.”
