“EVIE,” my sister said, just as loudly.
“Cheese on crackers, Maggie! It’s fucking huge.”
Heat flooded my face. I looked around to see if anyone noticed my involuntary scream.
Fallon had gotten an eye full as I cracked the box open. She cackled so hard she almost fell out of the booth.
Mags didn’t have the grace to look ashamed, her arms loose at her sides, slouched against the upholstery—perfect high pony not even mussed, like she was posing as some of the monsters around the bar stared at her. Ever since she turned full health maniac, my chubby, awkward little sister had become this fantasy creature who needed makeup and clothes and jewelry to survive. I mean, she was right to want to show it off, but it was tedious sometimes. No one looked at me when we caused a commotion.
“And it’s pink,” I complained.
The bright color couldn’t be natural. It had to be enchanted. Still no remorse on my sister's face, though she did pick some lint off her leggings. So there was that.
“They didn’t have one black enough to match your soul.”
“Let me see,” Fallon chirped, righting herself from her laughter slump, pawing at the box.
I shoved the box at my best friend, praying it wouldn’t turn on and start a mini-earthquake. She opened it, only to blush and squeal at the same time. The massive dildo reared out of its nest of festive paper. She clutched it to her chest.
“Maggie, I don't know if this is better or worse than the chakra aligner from last year. What the fuck?”
“Hey!” Mags got in my face. “I traded a lot of readings and herbs to get it spelled to move. You need to kick-start your new love life, Evie. If you don’t try again, it’s going to go stale.”
“It's not bread. My love life can't go stale,” I said.
“Your lady bits might,” Fallon helpfully added.
I bared my teeth at her. “Not helping. I can only take public sexual humiliation once a year, sis.”
“It was hardly public. Abner didn’t get you. That's what the Terminator is for.” My sister grabbed the terrifying pink hose beast from Fallon and shoved it in my face again. “See? It has ten settings.”
Why could she never say the thing I needed to hear? An “I’m sorry” couldn’t hurt at this point. It would be cheaper than this thing and certainly less blush-inducing. I didn’t have Maggie’s easy way with sex. No way I could imagine using that thing, even alone. I mistrusted everything now, especially myself. It would take more than a month to get over Abner. Maggie was my only actual family when our parents turned out to be more interested in themselves than us. She tried, but this was over the top.
“He really didn’t get you, E. In fact, he was pretty terrible. That thing looks like an upgrade from any real live boyfriend,” Fallon said. She didn’t stare directly at Maggie, but we all felt the implication.
“If you love it so much, take it. I’ll be happy with cake at this point.”
Fallon cringed, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
“There is cake, right?” I asked.
“Sugar isn’t good for you, sis,” Maggie said.
I tried not to raise my voice. “I’m not eating another sloppy, weaver fruit mash chilled into a cake. It’s my birthday.” I turned to Fallon. “You run the Goddsforsaken bakery! You couldn’t have smuggled something in with you?”
“Another round for the birthday girl!” Fallon called to the bar. She was way too used to our fighting for it to bother her anymore.
Our wench came over all but dragging a tall, blond man with slight points to his ears. His frown and muscles clenched my stomach in unsexy ways. Were we found out? Was this the start of the torture?
“Ruby. You’re supposed to be taking their drink order,” the man said.
“Look! Look at them. Humans are in the bar,” the waitress said as she pointed at each of us.
The man grabbed her upper arms with care. “Ruby. Brad is not coming back to take you. This is your tenth false alarm this week. I get it. I think everyone I meet is a druid, too.”
Ruby crossed those arms over her chest. “Do your eye cloud thing!”
“Yes, beloved,” he said, like he was going to the firing squad.
