He ignored the messages from Callahan, ignored the work emails, ignored the Facebook alerts, and tapped the two lips kissing icon that had his blood pressure spiking. He had an unread message from Allan.
Sebastian rubbed his eyes, then read.
You disappeared after your last message. I’d like to get to know you more, but there’re things about me you should know. Since you’re away, I’ll tell you, and you can decide if you want to reply. First, Allan is not my actual name. If and when we meet in person, I’ll tell you what it is. You can use whatever name you like with me, but I’d like something to call you. That said…
I’m not asking for exclusivity, only exploration.
I’m not asking for control, but I am asking for concession.
-Allan
Sebastian read the message a handful of times, trying to make sense of the words, even though he knew exactly what was being asked of him. The prospect of being with a man was daunting on its own, the idea of being with a man and… yielding to him? It was terrifying and exciting and…
It might be exactly what Sebastian needed.
He thought back to all the things he’d done in his life, the people he’d engaged with, dated, the person he’d married. His mind showed him his best friend, cut from the same cloth but happier than he’d ever been after trying something new and giving a man like Jace a chance to turn his world upside down.
He keyed out a reply:
You know I’ve never been with a man before. I’ve never online dated or whatever before.
He threw his phone onto the empty pillow beside him and sat up, throwing the two round pills into his mouth and swallowing them. He chugged the entire glass of water and managed to stumble into the bathroom.
The cloth Remington had used to wash him earlier was folded over a towel bar, and Sebastian smacked the taps so the water turned on. He brushed his teeth and studied his reflection in the mirror. Remington’s words filtered in and out of his mind, a hazy and vodka-flavored memory.
He had to look the last place he expected.
Sebastian rolled his eyes and barked out a laugh that felt like spears being stabbed into his brain. He flicked the lights off and padded back to his bed, tucking himself in and holding his phone against his chest.
The last place he expected definitely wasn’t inside of himself like Remington had said. Hearing that song and dance wasn’t anything new. The last place Sebastian would have looked to find happiness was an online hookup app his best friend’s boyfriend downloaded onto his phone.
His phone, which buzzed against his clammy palm. The screen lit up, and he looked down at a reply from Allan.
I think we can manage it.
Alright,Sebastian typed back,what happens now?
Name?Allan asked.
He didn’t know what caused him to pick the name he gave. Maybe it was a flash of a memory, or a nod to something he wasn’t ready to admit. Maybe it was because he could still smell Remington in his bedroom and feel the weight of his hand against his leg. Maybe the answer was inside himself, something useful he could make of the name he’d grown to loathe.
George. You can call me George.
Chapter Five
Remington has a Purpose
Monday came too soon, and Remington cracked his neck while he waited for his computer to power on. He knew there was an email from his boss sitting in his inbox, and he knew it had to do with funding for a grant he’d applied for on behalf of the department.
Remington loved his job, having spent hours volunteering at the library over lunch breaks to get himself through high school, pursuing library sciences after graduation had made the most sense. He’d never intended to get his doctorate, and he’d definitely not intended to pursue archiving and conservation, but he loved every second of it. What he didn’t love was the bureaucracy and the red tape, the petitioning for grants and funding, trying to make sure he could keep his job when the next year rolled around.
He’d had something reliable in Chicago, but the California Museum of Literary Arts had reached out to him, specifically interested in him because of his focus on early American manuscripts. They’d made him an excellent offer, and after discussing things with Jace, he’d accepted. That had been only a handful of months prior, less than a year, and Remington was already debating if the choice had been a good one or not.
Losing his job wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to him. The remaining balance of his trust fund would cover him for long enough to find something new. He was certain he could go back to Chicago, the worst-case scenario, but the idea of leaving Jace half a continent away had his chest constricting. He knew the feeling was ridiculous. Jace was in love with Callahan McMillian, set to move in with him in less than a handful of weeks. He had no ownership of his best friend, and yet the thought of putting distance between them had him overwhelmed with misery.
This love he had for Jace, this platonic and strong foundation they’d built a friendship on, was something special, something to be nurtured and cared for, much like the documents he worked with. But he knew it differed from the love he read about in books. The thought of it sometimes overwhelmed him, and that was why he stuck with online dating. The concept of revealing so much of yourself to a person, laying yourself bare and being vulnerable…it terrified him.
He admired the way it came so easy for Jace, at least easy after a rough round of tears, but he didn’t presume that he’d have such luck. Remington’s life had been nothing more than a series of coincidences and accidents that had gotten him to California. He didn’t know what would come next, but he doubted it would be what he wanted.
