“The next one,” he rasped, and Jace obliged, clicking through a series of pictures that showed Callahan in various states of exhausted pleasure.
When he reached the last one, Jace’s breathing had turned heavy and he masterfully avoided Callahan’s stare.
“I’ll delete them,” Jace said. “I was going to delete them. I didn’t have your permission. I just…”
“Just what?”
“I couldn’t not,” Jace answered, turning to face him. “This is who I think you are. Not the man you pretend to be for everyone else. This is you.”
Jace’s words echoed the feelings Callahan himself had entertained the days before. Under the weight and expectations of everyone around him, Callahan had become an expert at pretending and playing, but in those soft and tender moments with Jace, he’d been able to let his guard down and breathe.
“I don’t even know who I am,” he said with a frown.
“Do you know who you’re not?”
He nodded.
“Then that can be a start.” Jace closed his laptop and set it on the table, then leaned back and folded his hands together in his lap.
“Please don’t delete them,” Callahan whispered.
“I can’t promise I won’t look at them.”
“That’s fine.” Callahan swallowed and dared to reach for Jace. “I’d like that.”
“Would you?” Jace looked down at the place where Callahan’s hand covered his.
“Yes.”
“Then that’s a start too, isn’t it?”
“Jace,” he murmured.
Jace licked his lips and stared at his lap.
“Jace,” he said again.
Jace shook his head, a quick and jerky motion, but his chest heaved, his labored breathing betraying his denial.
“Jace,” Callahan said once more. “Can I kiss you?”
“To what end?” Jace turned sharply, and Callahan realized how close they were. Their bodies aligned, their hands joined, and their mouths barely inches apart. Jace’s eyes burned bright and he stared at Callahan as if nothing else in the world existed.
The responsibility of deserving to be on the receiving end of that stare was a heady one, but Callahan found it was one responsibility he didn’t want to shy away from. He wanted to deserve the touches and the looks that Jace had so freely offered him before he’d gone and fucked it all up by being himself.
“To what end, Callahan?” Jace asked again.
To the ends of the earth, he wanted to answer, but that was dramatic and wild, and even though he felt those ways, he didn’t want to give a voice to it. He’d shied away from relationships after Rhys and Derrick because the vulnerability had been too much for him to risk. He’d loved—or so he’d imagined—and gotten nothing in return besides betrayal. But here with Jace, he would have lived it all a thousand times over again for even the slimmest chance at a better outcome.
“I don’t know how it’ll end,” he answered.
“Are you talking about the kiss, or…”
“All of it,” he said. “I don’t…I don’t know myself when I’m around you.”
“I think you do.” Jace turned one of his hands, their palms sliding together. Jace’s skin was hot and clammy, and he threaded their fingers together without asking. “I think that’s the only time you know yourself.”
Callahan didn’t answer, because he didn’t know what to say.
