I wasn’t a stalker.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true either.
I could be if the situation called for it. I just wasn’t sure this situation called for it.
Yet.
At the end of the day, I was ashamed to admit I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Sage since he walked out on me, and considering I didn’t sleep well—or often—I thought about him a lot.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I offered with a frown, hoping to avoid the worst of their judgements.
“What the fuck were you thinking, for one,” Rich said, his voice cool and terrifyingly calm. Beneath him, Kevin made a noise of agreement. I propped my feet up on his shoulders and glared at him even though he couldn’t see me.
“We talked about this. I wanted a break. I got one. End of story.”
Except it wasn’t.
I hadn’t told them he knew my name. I hadn’t told them he’d ruined me for other men. I hadn’t told them a lot of things, and that was saying a lot. Ronan and Rich were my best friends, and they would have said the same about me. That wasn’t nothing either, considering Rich didn’t like people and Ronan didn’t have friends who weren’t us.
What a triad.
“I don’t ask you for the details of all the scenes you do.” I gestured at both of them, and Ronan at least had the decency to look on the verge of feeling ashamed.
“You literally just asked me why Kevin was a coffee table.”
“And you didn’t answer, so neither am I.”
“We’re just trying something new,” Ronan offered.
“You don’t need to tell me because I’m not going to tell you in return,” I warned.
He leveled his typical dom look at me, and while there might have been a time it would have worked, my relationship with Ronan wasn’t like that anymore. He’d been with Kevin for well over a year and he and I had quit sleeping together weeks before they’d even met. I liked that things with Ronan were easy and that we could continue our relationship without it being weird.
Kevin knew all about me and he’d never once displayed a sliver of jealousy or concern about me and Ronan. That level of security and trust had me feeling oddly envious of them, but Ronan was a doctor and Kevin, an architect. Their life allowed them the time and the room to build something together.
My life did not allow me those things.
Besides, even if I had time, having a partner would basically put a target on my back. If there was someone I cared for, their welfare made me twice as susceptible to the kinds of people who didn’t want me around. I knew there would come a day when someone took me out, but I wasn’t going to make it easy for them, and I wasn’t going to let it be soon.
I was too young to die.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, two long vibrations that rattled against the side of my thigh. I settled my hand over the top of the device, waiting to see if more vibrations followed. Waiting to see if it was work or pleasure. Though there hadn’t been much pleasure since the start of the month, and calling that pleasure, while true by definition, was also a bit of a stretch. I’d always found that too much pain turned into pleasure and too much pleasure ended in pain, and Sage had honed in on both lines and shattered them into millions of pieces.
My phone remained silent, and I was thankful for it. Even though my vacation time was effectively over, I wasn’t ready to be back on call. New Year’s weekend still had me a little jittery, and I didn’t trust myself with a finger on the trigger. I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out the phone to check my alerts, finding a message from Rich’s husband, Sam.
A small smile danced across my mouth and I quickly schooled it before angling my phone away and swiping open the screen.
Sam: Are you w Richard?
Me: Yes.
Sam: Can you keep him busy? Till dinner.
Me: Why?
Sam: It’s a sex thing.
I chuckled and told him I would do my best.
