“It doesn’t matter.”
The only sound that passed between them was Donny’s occasional sniffle. Roland desperately wanted to fix this, fix Donny, but he didn’t even know where to start. Donny hadn’t ever acted this way toward him before, not even on the nights Roland would curse and yell and break down. Donny had always stood stoic and let Roland get it out, then he’d take him to bed and hold him until he fell asleep. Donny deserved that care now, but Roland was afraid he wouldn’t be allowed to offer it.
“Can we go inside?” Roland extended a hand.
Donny looked up at him, his eyes as blue as ever. “Why? I think it’s best if I go.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
Donny scoffed, “It’s not all about what you want anymore, Roland. You told me to get out of your house, so I did. You can’t just try to act like that didn’t happen. I’m sorry isn’t going to undo the things you said to me.”
He nodded. “I know.”
“Then,what, Roland?” Donny threw his arms up in question then covered his face with his hands and shouted.
“There’s something I’d like to show you.”
“Tell me about Cody.”
Roland raised his eyebrows and coughed out a shocked, little sound. “Cody?” He wanted to pretend he didn’t know what Donny meant with his question, but his mind recalled the conversation clearly.
“He was my boyfriend. Until he wasn’t.” Roland ran a hand through his hair, still unused to the short length.
“Why did he leave you?”
“Are you asking if I forced him to go, like with you?” Roland licked his lips nervously. He hadn’t forced Cody to go so much as set up a situation where he felt like he had to go. Which was similar to what he’d done with Donny as well. Roland recognized the parallels now.
Donny nodded.
“I stopped taking my medication. I didn’t think I needed it anymore. He didn’t want to stay with me if I wasn’t on it.” Roland closed his eyes, the feelings of hurt still jagged in his memory.
“Did you love him?”
Roland opened his eyes and Donny was staring at him.
“Very much,” Roland answered honestly. “I thought he was it. But he wasn’t, and I’m glad he wasn’t. Seeing him tonight felt flat, and it felt wrong for him to be here. It should have been you in there next to me.”
Donny blinked slowly and Roland watched more tears slide down his face. He dared to reach up and wipe them. Donny flinched but didn’t pull away. Roland released a nervous breath and used his thumbs to dry Donny’s cheeks as best he could.
“Why should it have been me?” Donny raised his hands and set them atop Roland’s, which were still holding his face.
“If I hadn’t told you to go,” Roland choked on the words, heavy with regret. “Would you have stayed?”
Donny nodded. “Of course.”
“Then, that’s why.”
Donny turned his face and pressed a tender kiss against Roland’s palm, then pulled Roland’s hands away from his face. He lowered their hands, not quite separating their fingers, but not willing to hold on. Roland flexed his fingers and pulled Donny a step closer. He came willingly.
A smile teased across Roland’s mouth, but he tamped it down. Donny being willing to stand close to him was nothing, but then again, it was also everything. Roland lifted their hands and pressed a kiss to each of Donny’s exposed fingers, then held them tightly against his chest. His heart was pounding, and he was certain Donny could feel the erratic thump-th-thump as it rattled through his bones.
“There was a time when you saw me, Donny. You really sawme, when I didn’t even see me anymore, but you did. And I know I fucked up, and I need you to know telling you to leave was a huge fucking mistake.” Roland swallowed. “But I was jealous, and I was scared. Scared of not being enough for you and scared of being far too much for you. And I never wanted to make you feel the way you’re feeling now.” He struggled to find the words. “I know being with me isn’t easy.”
Donny chuckled through his tears, and Roland allowed himself a small smile.
“But it shouldn’t ever be that hard.” He took a chance and stepped another foot closer, erasing the distance between them. Their hands were shaking, and Roland wasn’t sure which of them was causing the fluttering. Maybe both.
Donny was looking at the ground, and Roland watched his exhales brush through the top of Donny’s hair.
