Roland is desperate to be stronger than his mind.
“Cody, I don’t need them anymore.” Roland means the pills. “I promise, just let me prove it.”
“You already made me a promise, and you’re breaking it right now, and you’re breaking my fucking heart,” Cody says and his voice cracks. Tears slip from his eyes and Roland wipes them away with insistent fingers.
“You’re the one leaving. Just don’t leave, Cody. Don’t leave,” Roland’s voice is watery now, and he begs.
“Don’t stop taking your pills, Roland,” Cody pleads.
Roland gets angry and he shoves Cody away from him.
“I don’t need them!” he yells. “I don’t need them. I need you! I need you, and you’re leaving me.”
“I don’t want to fucking leave you!” Cody yells back at him, wiping his face with shaking hands. “You’re making me leave you. You’re making me. I remember what things were like when we met, and I remember where you were in your head, Roland. And I refuse to let you tear us both apart when you end up there again.”
Cody sobs, and Roland is shaking his head, no, no, no, no.
“I deserve better, Rolly. But more importantly, so do you.” Cody takes another step back.
Roland advances on him, walking them both out of the bedroom until Cody’s back hits the wall. Cody lets out an oomph and Roland presses their chests together, and leans his face into Cody’s neck. Roland forces his hand into Cody’s pants and wraps his fingers around Cody’s cock. He isn’t hard, isn’t anywhere close to hard, and Roland strokes and strokes until he feels the familiar twitch that accompanies the start of Cody’s erection.
“Roland, don’t do this,” Cody says, sucking in a lungful of air and arching into Roland’s grasp. “You always do this. You can’t keep doing this. You can’t—” Cody’s eyes fall closed and his head knocks into the wall.
Roland loosens his pants with his other hand and frees his own cock, and slides it into his grip alongside Cody.
“Fuck,” Cody grunts out and Roland tightens his hold and strokes them faster.
“Don’t do this, Cody,” Roland pleads, swiping his thumb across both of their slits, combining their wetness for what Roland fears may be the last time.
Cody cries out, and it sounds like he’s in agony. He is determined to catch a breath, his tears falling quickly and unapologetically down his face and onto Roland’s hand.
“I promise you,” Roland says, “I promise everything will work out. I promise I’ll take care of you. Just let me.” He is begging now, stroking faster and using his body to hold Cody against the wall.
“I want you to keep the last promise you made,” Cody stammers. “The last one,” he clarifies, coming with a strangled cry all over Roland’s hand and both their cocks.
Roland feels Cody’s cum slide between his fingers and squeezes their cocks tighter, stroking in time with his own jagged breathing until he finishes, his cock softening immediately in his grasp.
Roland refuses to let go, and drops his head onto Cody’s shoulder, sucking in frantic breaths as his cries take a shift toward hysterical hiccups. Cody reaches down and removes Roland’s hand and tucks himself back into his pants, stepping away from Roland and sliding sideways. Roland drops his head against the wall, his hair matted to his cheeks, obscuring his vision.
Roland hears the rustle of a plastic bag in the living room, and then Cody’s voice. “Roland, I love you,” Cody’s voice breaks, “but this isn’t fair for either of us.”
Roland hears the bag shift, as if Cody is moving it from hand to hand, but he doesn’t see the action.
The front door opens, and Cody speaks again, “You’re too talented to let yourself slip away again. You’re too good of a person to always end up lost in your own head.”
Roland doesn’t look up and hears the door close. Cody doesn’t hear him when he whispers, “I love you, too.”
* * *
Roland bolted upright in bed,covered in sweat. His hair was stuck to his forehead and he used his palms to smooth it out of his line of sight. His chest heaved and his heart was frantic.
It was just a dream.
Pete leapt onto the bed as if he sensed Roland’s unease, and butted his head into Roland’s hand. He stroked Pete’s fur until he felt normal again, then scooped Pete up and stumbled to the kitchen.
Roland brewed himself a cup of coffee, and as soon as it percolated into the cup, he knew it wouldn’t be enough. He hadn’t ever dreamed about Cody. Not even when they’d been together. Roland stared at the bottle of medication on the counter and wondered why his mind was so cruel as to make him re-live Cody’s abandonment all over again and in such vivid detail.
Pete mewled. Roland looked down and Pete was staring at his food bowl, swishing his tail around haughtily. Roland poured some food into the bowl, then filled a glass with water from the tap and dumped it into Pete’s water bowl. Next to a bag of treats, the green bottle with Pete’s antibiotics caught his eye, so Roland tapped a pill out, then poured some treats on top of it and extended his hand. Pete ate dutifully, then drank some water and wandered off to explore.
