“This is insane, isn’t it?” Joel asked her, grabbing his bag and reaching inside to graze his fingers across the worn edges of the Bible.
“Very much so, but it's a once in a lifetime thing, I think, isn't it?” she asked him in return.
“I love him so much, Athena. I know what he did, and I love him anyway.” Joel's fingers left the Bible and started searching for his car keys. “He sees me. Really sees me, and it makes me feel like my ribcage can't contain my heart when I think about him.”
Athena smiled reassuringly at him, holding out her hand for the store’s key. Joel spun it off the key ring and placed it in her palm. He mouthed,thank you,to her and ran from the store.
***
His knocks on Gabriel's door went unanswered and panic started to curl tight in his belly. Had he taken too long to come to his senses? What if Gabriel had met someone else? God, what if they were in there together? The thought made Joel's stomach roil, and he pressed his ear to the door, listening for any sounds inside. There was no sound, even though it was almost nine in the evening and Gabriel should have been home. Unless he was on a date.
Please, let him not be on a date.
Joel rested his head against the front door. He supposed he could wait. Gabriel would have to come home eventually. But then Joel remembered he had a key. It would probably be an invasion of privacy, but after everything that had happened, the least Gabriel could do was allow him this one transgression.
Joel unlocked Gabriel's door, letting himself inside the condo. It looked much as it did two weeks ago, only with less liquor in the wet bar and several dirty dishes in the sink. Joel dropped his messenger bag by the dining table as he advanced through the condo. He went to Gabriel's office, poking his head inside only to find it empty. A shattered television monitor hung in the far corner, with a swept-up pile of what looked like computer parts underneath it. The room was dark except for the city lights reflecting in from the window. Joel left the office and headed back to the other end of the condo and pushed open the door to what was his bedroom. It was also as he’d left it, the shattered turntable on the floor, records discarded carelessly, and books scattered across the floor. It looked like Gabriel hadn’t even set foot in there since the last time Joel closed the door.
Joel crouched down, collecting all the books and carefully placing them back on the shelves. He noted, as he had before, the books were written by his favorite authors, and some that he had meant to read but never gotten around to. Once the books were in place, he did his best with the records, acknowledging he had damaged some beyond repair. He stacked them up against the wall, sliding the discs back into their sleeves. There was nothing to be done about the record player, so he collected the pieces in his arms, carrying it into the kitchen to dispose of it in the trash can. He stopped at his messenger bag, reaching in and digging out his Bible before returning to the bedroom. He placed it in the bookshelf alongside his favorite collection of poems.
Joel stood, straightening his spine and taking a deep breath. He let himself be bathed in the overwhelming feeling of calm that enveloped him, standing in the place Gabriel had made for him. He hadn’t been sure how he would feel being back here, but as soon as he stepped one foot inside the door, his body relaxed with the comfort of his decision.
Gabriel loved him differently than anyone else, differently from how someone should love another person, probably. But Joel wanted to cocoon himself inside that love and emerge as a better version of himself. He wanted to deserve the severity of Gabriel's love.
It was almost eleven at night and Gabriel still hadn’t returned home. There was a nagging worry in Joel’s stomach that grew with every tick of the second hand on the clock above the dresser. When Joel had stayed here, Gabriel hadn’t ever been out late, and if he had been out, it was with Joel in tow. Nervous, Joel returned to the living room, found his cellphone and called Gabriel.
It went straight to voicemail.
Every fucking minute that went by was excruciating, and Joel thought having bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails would pain him less than not knowing where Gabriel was. He had spent the last two weeks in a flurry of emotion, and was sure he had run Athena through the wringer with his ups and downs. When he had finally gotten back into his apartment and was able to be alone with his thoughts, he’d come to the brutal realization that he missed Gabriel. The day after they had talked here at the dining room table, Joel had expected to wake up with a reassurance in his heart that leaving Gabriel was the right decision. It was probably the sane decision, but all Joel knew was that a life without Gabriel would be an empty life.
His decision to live without Gabriel had crumbled to dust today when he’d looked at Davis. Sweet, fucking charming, and perfect on paper, Davis didn’t inspire even a fizzle of feeling inside Joel. There was a time in the very recent pastwhen he’d been well and ready to give Davis a chance, but in the wake of Gabriel, it was pointless. No one would stir the same feelings inside of him that Gabriel did, and no one would fucking see him as clearly as Gabriel had.
A lock of Joel's hair fell into his eye, and the fading red dye glinted in his peripheral vision. Joel squeezed his eyes closed, fearing he would be sick as the feelings of self-loathing washed over him in steady waves. He didn’t want to be the Joel everyone else saw anymore. He wanted to be the Joel that Gabriel had seen all along. Someone strong and beautiful and worthy of love.
He kicked off his shoes and socks, then sprinted to the kitchen to grab the dish soap from the counter. He discarded his shirt in the hallway before he made it into the bathroom. He shucked his pants and briefs, turning the water on as hot as he could bear, then stepped inside with the dish soap. He poured an entire handful of it directly onto his head and furiously started to scrub at his hair. The water tinged red and washed down the drain as the abrasive lather stripped his color away. He squeezed more soap into his palm, starting a new lather, and scrubbed and scrubbed as he fell to his knees in the bathtub.
He couldn’t be too late. He didn’t know what he would do if Gabriel walked in at two in the morning with another man on his arm. The thought of it made Joel want to vomit, and he scrubbed and lathered at his hair as the soap slid down his face and mixed with tears he didn’t even realize were falling. His own cries had become so loud and desperate he didn’t hear the door to the bathroom open, and when Gabriel pulled the shower curtain back, Joel lurched forward, making a desperate grab for Gabriel's thighs.
“Joel?” Gabriel sounded bewildered as Joel clung to him, crying desperately.
“You saw me, and I…please tell me I’m not too late.” Joel sucked in a soapy mouthful of air and water, desperately swiping the soap and tears from his face.
“What on earth?” Gabriel started, and stopped, climbing into the shower fully clothed and wrapping Joel in his arms. “I’ve got you, Little Red. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” Gabriel sat down on the floor of the bathtub and held Joel while rocking him back and forth as though he was a child.
Joel didn’t know how long Gabriel held him like that, but the water started to turn from hot to warm, and Gabriel pulled the shower nozzle down, rinsing the mountains of dish soap from his hair and quickly conditioning the strands before another rinse. Gabriel finger-combed his tangles before turning off the water. He reached out to grab a towel off the rack to wrap around Joel's shaking shoulders.
Gabriel dried him as best he could before sliding an arm under Joel's knees, picking him up and stepping out of the tub. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom, his own clothes soaking wet, Gabriel faltered, apparently unsure where to deposit his cargo. Joel recognized the distance they were along the hallway, and he buried his face in Gabriel's shoulder. “Please, can I stay with you?” he asked, the words muffled against Gabriel's neck. Gabriel offered a nod in agreement, turning back to his own bedroom.
He stood Joel at the foot of his bed, as he had before. This time, he dried Joel off, wiping the rivulets of water from his skin with the utmost care and attention. Once Joel was dry, Gabriel pulled back the covers, gesturing for Joel to slide in. Joel watched Gabriel watching him, and when Gabriel stepped away to go into his own en suite, Joel spoke, barely over a whisper, “Please don’t go tonight.”
Gabriel stopped and squeezed his eyes closed in a long, slow blink before peeling his wet suit jacket from his arms and loosening his tie. Piece by piece, Gabriel stripped out of his soaking and soapy clothes before lifting the covers on the other side of the bed and sliding in.
Joel immediately shifted toward him, burrowing into his side. “I love you, Gabriel.”
Gabriel kissed the top of Joel's head, offering no reply.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Gabriel Finds a Use for Olive Oil
