Joel figured as much, and he should have listened to the voice deep down that told him all along this was too good to be true. Gabriel didn’t meet Joel one night and inherently know what he needed. Gabriel had studied him, from a distance, for at least a year, and learned by observation.
The longer Joel rolled the idea around in his head, the less it bothered him, andthatbothered Joel beyond measure. In a sick and fucked-up kind of way, it sat well in Joel’s heart that someone cared enough to try to turn themselves into the kind of person Joel needed, instead of expecting Joel to mold to them. The longer he toyed around with the idea, the more fantastical the reality of the situation became. Joel began to feel flattered and important. Meanwhile, the voice of reason in the back of his head told him those feelings were fucking stupid, and reminded him that Gabriel was probably mentally unhinged. He didn't know what to believe, or think, or feel.
The one thing Joel was certain of, was there were things Gabriel was hiding, and Joel needed him to come clean once and for all.
And that was how Joel found himself in Gabriel's living room, in a t-shirt he’d thought he'd lost, staring at a man he thought he might love, but perhaps should be afraid of.
But the only thing I'm afraid of is losing him. How fucked up is that?
“We need to talk,” Joel managed to choke out. “Now.”
Gabriel visibly paled. His eyes darted down to the t-shirt Joel wore and back up to his face. A look of utter defeat flashed across Gabriel’s features like a lightning bolt, before his entire body was overshadowed by preemptive disappointment.
Joel sucked up the courage to cross the room, maintaining his eye contact with Gabriel. He was certain his heart was about to explode out of his chest. Joel rubbed his breastbone, trying to will his heartbeats to return to normal, and he scrunched his brow because he couldn’t pinpoint the cause of his excitement.
Was it fear? Was he afraid of Gabriel? Could he ever fear the man in front of him, even if his assumptions were confirmed? Or was it still an all-consuming lust for and devotion toward this man, this handsome stranger who made him feel like the man he wanted to be?
Joel sat down on the floor, cross-legged, between Gabriel's knees. As he placed himself beneath Gabriel, he looked up at the man above him, who even in his defeated stature, looked like the big bad wolf ready to eat Joel alive. A part of him quivered in fear at the idea, but a larger part of him liked it, wanted to be consumed and possessed and owned by Gabriel entirely.
Was he even angry with Gabriel? He didn’t think so, even though his anger was justified. Was he scared? Maybe a little. And maybe he liked that fear, also, just a little.
Maybe Mom was right. Maybe there is something wrong with me.
Gabriel's eyes searched Joel's face for something, and when he didn't seem to find it, his gaze fell to the floor.
“Gabriel,” Joel said softly, sounding braver than he was. “Tell. Me. Everything. Look me in the eyes, and tell me everything.”
Gabriel raised his eyes up, lingering on the t-shirt Joel wore, before reaching his face. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and snapped it shut. Joel could see the feelings flash through Gabriel's eyes. He was scared, and he was overwhelmed with lust and with obsession, and he was trapped. They were all feelings that were mirrored in Joel’s eyes.
Gabriel must have run his mind back through a catalog of events and happenings before he finally seemed to settle on a starting place.
“I saw you, in the hall, when you had come to stay with your grandma.” Gabriel's voice was barely above a whisper, and it quivered with every syllable out of his mouth. “I just… Fuck.” He dropped his head and threaded his fingers together behind his neck. Joel sat, in a surprisingly calm silence, waiting for Gabriel to continue.
“You were so fucking beautiful, Joel. When I saw you, it took my breath away.” Gabriel looked back up, and Joel recognized the utter truth of that declaration shimmering brightly in his eyes. “I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand, I mean, it wasn’t out of hand, it’s not out of hand now. I needed to know you were always safe.” His brows furrowed together, the crow’s feet around his eyes deepened, and Joel fought the urge to trace the lines with his fingertips.
“You went in my apartment.” It wasn’t a question, but Gabriel furtively shook his head.
“No? The soap, Gabriel. How could you know what soap I used?” Joel found himself tensing as he anticipated Gabriel’s response.
“At the store. I saw you buy it at the store. So I bought it at the store, too.”
That was believable enough, Joel supposed, but he wasn't sure it was any better than if Gabriel had been in his apartment.All that time I thought I was alone and I never was.A shiver ran through Joel.
“The music? The books? The fucking t-shirt, Gabriel?” Joel's questions piled up like an inescapable weight on them both and he needed Gabriel to be truthful before they were both crushed beneath it.
Gabriel looked at him with an incredulous stare. “I know where you work, Little Red. I know what records you play when no one is in the store and I know what books you read when you’re killing time. I know what you buy when you go picking at estate sales. I know what you eat when you’re not with Athena. Fuck! I know what you eat when youarewith Athena. I fucking know it all,” Gabriel's voice rose. “I wanted to share it all with you. I wanted to make you those foods, and buy you those Bibles and take you to those shitty restaurants in Hollywood on Saturday nights. Okay? I wanted it all, but I couldn’t have it, so I did what I could. I took what I was allowed. What I allowed myself.”
Gabriel’s shoulders heaved with the heaviness of his declaration, and Joel should have been terrified by the confession. Joel should have got up and run from the room, but he didn't. He stayed seated between the legs of his stalker and felt...what?
Safe. God help me, I feel safe here. What iswrongwith me?
“Why couldn’t you have it?” Joel’s curiosity far outweighed any fear he had known before the conversation started. He leaned his body forward to align himself more closely with Gabriel.
Safe. I'm safe here.He thought of the illustration in one of his Bibles, a color plate showing a lamb lying down between the massive paws of a lion.That's me,he thought.I'm that lamb, and Gabriel is the lion, only he's more like a wolf.Little Red and his big, bad wolf. The thought almost made him giggle at the absurdity, but the stricken look on his wolf’s face stopped him.
“Because I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserveyou.Joel, I’ve known since you showed up here when your apartment flooded that I was on borrowed time. I didn’t think any of this–” he waved his hand, indicating them and the room they sat in, “–through. I got you here, where I wanted you, and I saw you, Joel. I saw you so clearly, and for the first time I wanted to take more than what I was allowed.”
Joel dissected the continuing confession in his head, latching on to the one part that stood out beyond the rest. “When you got me here?”
