He nodded.
“You were eating a fucking mystery meat hot dog the night I met you, Theenie. Fucking relax.” Joel's teasing voice broke Gabriel from his trance and he shook his head, standing up to collect Athena's empty glass from the table.
“It’s organic,” Gabriel confirmed, sitting down at the head of the table so he could see into the kitchen. “I’ll always do whatever is best for Joel. Letting him stay here, buying organic, whatever he needs, he’ll have.”
Joel's head snapped around, knife frozen mid-slice. His eyes searched out Gabriel's, who suddenly couldn’t meet his stare. He finally looked up, forcing a smile. Joel returned it, sincerely, wide and… so full of hope and trust. The guilt of withholding these secrets was going to eat Gabriel alive.
***
“Bye, Athena. Bye, Donny!” Joel closed the front door then padded back into the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel's waist as he did dishes at the sink.
“Thank you,” he murmured against Gabriel's back, resting his cheek against Gabriel's spine.
“You don’t need to thank me. I should thank you for sharing your life with me like this.” Gabriel turned off the water, then swiveled so he could wrap his arms around Joel. He kissed the top of Joel's head.
“Gabriel, can we talk?” Joel stepped back, putting distance between them.
Gabriel froze. Fuck, was this it? What had Athena said to him? Gabriel did his best to maintain a casual look on his face. He nodded as Joel tugged him over to the couch in the living area. They both sat and Joel turned to face Gabriel with as serious a face as Gabriel had ever seen on him. Joel radiated tension. Gabriel could see it in the way Joel sat and the way he hunched his shoulders. The poor kid was a live wire about to go off.
“Gabriel, I hate to do this, but could I maybe borrow some money for a new phone?” Joel blurted and Gabriel relaxed as he barked out a laugh.
“Money? You only want money?” His laugh continued, sounding relieved and light. “You can have all my money if you ask, Joel. Of course I’ll give you enough for a new phone.” Gabriel leaned his head back against the cushions, pulling Joel with him.
“I don’t want to take it from you, I want a loan,” Joel clarified, allowing himself to settle against Gabriel's chest. “I’ll pay you back. I need a working phone in case my landlord tries to get in touch with me about when I can move back in. And I need to go over and get some more clothes and stuff, so I need to make sure it's okay.”
You can stay here.
You don’t need to go back there.
Your favorite shirt is hanging up in the closet.
Just be with me.
“Anything you need, Joel.”
“I can’t thank you enough, Gabriel. For everything. It’s more than the money, and letting me stay here open-ended, the way you have. I feel, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like I can be myself around you. I feel light. That’s stupid. I’m stupid.” Joel went quiet and tried to bury his head into Gabriel's armpit, but Gabriel pulled him free and arranged him so he could see Joel's eyes.
God, Joel had amazing eyes. They were blue. So blue. Not ocean blue, and not glacier blue. Not the blue after a storm. Just blue. Perfectly blue. And that mop of dyed red hair on top of his head made his skin look white as snow.
“You’re not stupid. You’re fucking beautiful.” Gabriel was honest with his words, and Joel sucked in a breath. “I love that you can be this way with me. That you want to be this way with me. I want it for you, and selfishly, I want it for me, too.” Gabriel pressed his lips to Joel's forehead.
They sat on the couch, unmoving except for their breathing. Gabriel rested his head on Joel's shoulder, inhaling his smell.
“Gabriel, I…” Joel stopped, searching for the words, and Gabriel looked at him. “I haven’t done this before. I’ve been alone.”
Because of me.
“I haven’t really dated anyone.”
Because of me.
“I’ve never felt like anyone cared about me, until you. But now I don’t want to be alone anymore. Because of you.”
Because of me.
Because of me.
The words rattled around in Gabriel's mind. He didn’t feel like he deserved the praise. He’d spent so long waiting for this moment and it didn’t taste as sweet as he’d imagined it would. He didn’t want Joel here because he had to be. He wanted Joel here because hewantedto be in Gabriel’s home, and arms, and bed. He opened his mouth to confess, but was stopped by Joel’s warm lips pressing against his.
