Errands? Right now? What kind of errands? Is he really coming back? My heart panics, but I know pressing him for answers won’t help…
“Are… Are you sure?” I eventually mutter.
“Yes.”
What do I say? Should I hold him back? Come on, Ophie, you need to do better than this! I should let him go, right? He made it clear he didn’t want to talk in the car, and he did say he’s coming back…
“Okay,” I finally mumble, “b-but we really should talk things out.”
“I agree. We will.”
I wait, but that’s it. Nicolas is silent again and visibly waiting for me to leave the car. He has that expression on, the one when he’s very focused on something, and I can’t talk him out of it… So, I take a deep breath, and I nod.
It’s fine. I’m fine. I can wait until he’s ready to talk. He wouldn’t lie and just disappear or something. …Right?
I quietly exit the car, with just my purse and the trash of crumpled, greasy paper. Nicolas drives off before I can think about it twice, and I can only watch as the car disappears down the street, leaving me on the snowy pavement.
I sniffle.
God, this has been such a long, complicated, and confusing Christmas… What was I thinking? What happened to us? Iglance down at the brown paper of highway food, my cold and empty cocoa cup, and my eyes sting again. This really wasn’t the Christmas I dreamt of…
It’s too cold to stay outside worrying, so I get myself upstairs and into my flat.
It’s quiet, cold, and empty, and my kitties aren’t even here to welcome me home. I stare at the tiny Christmas tree with its lights off… Where did things go wrong? All I wanted was to enjoy Christmas with my boyfriend! How could I not realize my family would be too much for Nicolas, and that our schedule would be too tight? I was so silly!
I sigh, unsure what to do next. I wish I could call someone to talk, but it’s Christmas, everyone will be busy with their family, and I can’t unload my problems on them… and I need to be stronger than that. I’m sure Nicolas will be back like he said, and we’ll be able to talk, right? …Right.
Because I don’t know what else to do, I decide to take a hot shower.
I’ve spent the last two days with the same underwear, I haven’t had time to wash my hair, and I could really use some shower thinking! I dump my penguin dress in the laundry basket, slip into my tiny shower, and let the water get as hot as I can take it, washing over me for the first time in the past two days.
Finally, the steady stream of hot water helps me calm down, along with a deep-breathing exercise. I thoroughly wash my hair while thinking things over, replaying the events. I know once Nicolas comes back, we’ll talk, and I don’t want to be the only one who’s still upset.
I know I’m allowed to be, but this isn’t how I want to feel, so I focus on that. Do I wish things had gone better? Of course, and I think we made some mistakes, but I know I can’t take it back.I can only focus on the present. And what I’m feeling now is that I love Nicolas. I’m worried about what he’ll say, and I’m feeling really nervous about our relationship and how what happened affects it, but I know I love him, and I don’t want to lose him. I hang on to that most of all.
I step out of the shower, feeling refreshed, less upset, and more determined. Christmas isn’t perfect, and I shouldn’t think it has to be. But I do want our Christmas to feel good. Because that’s what it should feel like, right? Feeling loved and rested. It should be about enjoying time with the people we love, resting after a long, stressful year, finding those little snowflakes of joy as winter begins… It should leave us feeling recharged, blessed, and happy. Not drained, upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed. It should be a time of rest, not a travel marathon. We should be spending it with people we love and doing things we love, not feeling cornered and pressured with chores and social expectations. We should enjoy good food without worrying about our waistlines, and wear clothes we feel wonderful in…
I pick up my bathrobe and step out of my bathroom, slowly drying my hair with a towel. What do I do now? Is Nicolas coming back tonight…? Should I text him? His suitcase was in his car, but that doesn’t mean he’s not coming back here, right? Should I just wait?
Night fell outside while I showered, and I make the executive decision to keep myself busy rather than spend my evening worrying! So, I turn the heater and my Christmas lights on, text my family to let them know we made it back, and finally, I put on some soft Christmas music. Maybe I’m a bit crazy, but I can’t stand the silence in my tiny flat… Then, because I’ve been itching to for the past two days, I head to my kitchen and assess our dinner options. If Nicolas comes back, and I want to believe hewill, I have to show him we can be totally fine. We will talk things out, and then have a nice dinner. One nice homemade meal.
I’m checking the pantry when there’s a bit of a rattle at my door.
I frown. It wasn’t a knock, but also, who would be making noise outside…? My neighbor, Miss Jones, has gone to visit her family, so I know our floor should be empty!
I’m wondering if it’s safe to peek when I hear a loud meow.
“…Muffin?”
I go to open the door, and to my surprise, my kitties are there! I gasp at their carrier, held by Nicolas, whose other hand is also full with his suitcase, and mine is right behind!
“You’re back,” I mutter, speechless.
“Yes,” he says. “I tried to be as quick as possible, but it took me a while to make the loop by the airport and then get the cats checked out of the hotel earlier. Sorry.”
I’m… I’m speechless!Theseare the errands he went for?
“You… You went to get the kitties and my suitcase back?” I blink. “You should have told me!”
