Parveen glances warily toward my mom, but she’s busy with the girls making her a bracelet, so she quickly sneaks to the kitchen and brings back her plate. As expected, her cookies look professionally made. She clearly let the kids help with them, as I recognize their talent in the frosting, generously smeared over the holiday-themed shapes. I pick a snowman and bite.
Oh my goodness, there’s nothing like a homemade Christmas treat… The cookie isn’t too hard nor too soft; it has a bit of a slow crunch, then a dewy texture that just melts on my tongue in a burst of flavors. The sugary frosting complements the little prickle of citrus and spices perfectly!
“Parveen… These are amazing!” I squeal.
“Really?” she beams.
“Seriously, the spices are so well-balanced and flavourful! It’s not too dry either, and the texture is perfect… You have to give me the recipe!”
“It’s the spices and orange,” she shares. “I made three batches before I got the taste I was satisfied with; poor Simon had to eat gingerbread cookies all December long…”
I giggle, and we excitedly start chatting about her recipe and what spices she used. I can’t believe I didn’t get to enjoy anybaking until now! I missed this so much, the thrill of uncovering a new flavor, finding the perfect alchemy of ingredients, bursting with new ideas to put my own twist on it!
Before I can think twice about it, I fetch my notebook, and we start talking about my latest ideas, the cake recipe I’ve been working on, and going through our ideas and mutual preferences as I show her my notes.
“Ophie, this is all amazing! Oh, and I looked up your blog yesterday, there were so many good comments from people who tried your holiday recipes!”
“I know!” I squeal excitedly. “I checked it during the drive. The traffic for the past few days peaked like crazy, and I got so much great feedback all at once! Many put pictures too, it all looks so great! I’m glad they enjoyed it.”
Parveen nods, but then, her smile dims a bit.
“…Did you miss not baking for Christmas this year?” she asks gently.
“I definitely did,” I admit, glancing toward Nicolas. “I mean, the restaurant was amazing and everything, but… there was a mishap, and we didn’t get any dessert.”
“No way?” she gasps.
“Cold room breakdown,” I nod. “I know it can’t be helped, but it was so unfortunate! I was so looking forward to at least sampling some amazing Christmas desserts. I mean, cooking has always been my love language, right? Not getting to do it for Christmas this year feels so strange… So many of my followers made some of my recipes, but I didn’t get to do a single one for you guys!”
I’m glad Parveen can relate, because as much as I feel like my feelings are a bit silly, they’re still there! I just love seeing people eat and enjoy the food I make. I love cooking for Nicolas, and I love going all out for our anniversaries, birthdays, and of course, Valentine’s Day. I adore the excitement right before hetries something I made for the first time, and how he always makes sure to be really honest in his appraisal, and compliments me every time.
Just like hugs, food isourlove language. I mean, having my mom’s food is great! But there’s a little bit of me that wishes I could be the one to feed my loved ones, not just sit at the table and eat what my mom struggled to prepare all by herself…
“I know,” Parveen sighs. “I miss it so much too. I didn’t want to step on your mother’s toes, but I felt so worthless except for watching the kids! I really wish she’d let me help in the kitchen, you know how much Ilovecooking…”
She sighs, and I nod understandingly. Each time we visited Simon and Parveen, we had a whole feast waiting for us! Her Dal is still one of my favorite dishes that I’ve ever tasted, and I can never make it as good as hers. Sakina and Lilah love to cook with their mom as well, and they are already great at it. They even have their own mini-kitchen! I’m sure they would have so much fun if they could help prepare the Christmas lunch…
“Holidays are such a thrill for the kids, and they should be, but as an adult?” Parveen continues, shaking her head. “It’s all about compromising and trying to make everyone else happy. I love Simon and my children, but everything that goes into preparing for every celebration ruins it for me. Not only do we have to try to make everyone happy, but I feel like we end up sacrificing what makesushappy, you know? Things would be easier if we at least got to do what we want, but instead, we’re all stuck in the same roles every year, trying not to step on any toes, whether we like it or not… No matter how much we could use some change. It feels so silly!”
“I know, right?” I grimace.
“And the elders get more stubborn about it too,” she whispers.
We both glance toward the table, where Aunt Ruth has been talking Dad’s ear off for well over an hour now… As usual, she showed up without warning, and no one had the heart to kick her out, so there she is, ranting about some new neighbor while Mom quietly fumes in the kitchen. Now we’re kind of all a bit wary about approaching the table, even as lunch will soon be served.
Parveen and I exchange a grimace.
“I get what you mean,” I admit. “I had a taste last night with Nicolas’s mother. I adore his brother and sister-in-law, but his mom is a bit more… complicated. She’s fine on her own, but she can be so… hurtful at times, and it gets worse around Emi.”
“I can imagine. But we do it for their sake, right?” She sighs. “I just want Simon and the kids to be happy, and really, that’s all that matters. Still, sometimes, I just… feel a little bit unseen. I try to put my own feelings aside, but the frustration is still there, you know? I feel like all that weight is on my shoulders, and I cannot lessen the load or say something without disappointing someone. And then I worry that every year will be the same, and it never gets any better, you know?”
“…What do you do?” I ask. “When it gets… too hard?”
Parveen gives me a little smile.
“I count my blessings,” she says. “I know I am grateful for my family, and that my children get to have this, to experience the best of both of our cultures. That Simon and I each have a loving family we get to share, even if it isn’t always easy. I remind myself that some people spend the holidays alone or hungry. Or can’t afford presents. Or they can’t go home to see their families.”
I think about those people, at the airport… Everyone who got stuck there for Christmas. It was Christmas Eve, and somehow, I know some people didn’t make it home for the holidays… What happened to them? Did they have to stay at the airport? Did theyfind friends or families to stay with? My heart tightens a little for them… And Parveen is right; it makes me feel lucky, despite the hardships. I glance around the room, at my parents, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and at my wonderful boyfriend. It takes me a second to notice Courtney’s not here, and I frown.
