I didn’t go to her funeral. Wasn’t even informed until a few weeks after she passed that she had overdosed. An aunt that I had never even met before tracked down my address somehow and sent a note.
I didn’t cry then and have never cried since. I refuse to ever shed a single tear over that woman.
“She never came looking for me,” I tell Walker. “I guess she got out of prison eighteen months later, and she never bothered to come and find me again.” She could’ve. I was still young enough to be in the system.
And even if I wasn’t, I was still her child.
But she never came.
He takes a long drink and slams his mug down with enough force I’m surprised the cup doesn’t crack. “That’s not a mother.”
“It’s not,” I agree and try to downplay it to quell his anger on my behalf. That’s not why I’m telling him this. I don’t want his anger; I want his understanding. “And trust me, I fucking hate her for it. For choosing a high over me. But if it never would’ve all happened that way, I never would’ve moved to that school and met you and the guys. Whisper Me Nothings would have never existed, and who knows, I might’ve ended up down the same path as her.”
“You wouldn’t have.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “You sound very certain of that.”
“I am.” His green eyes are twin flames as he stares me down, compassion weaved into the lines of his face. “You would’ve never allowed yourself to be like her.”
I don’t think I would’ve either, but who knows. “When I first met Scar, I liked her. I did, and maybe it didn’t seem like it because I was so angry at you when I thought you were stepping out on the band during the break and abandoning us—” Abandoningme. “But I liked her. She’s talented, and beautiful, and I could see why you started falling for her.”
He’s gone completely still at his girlfriend’s name, but I need to make him understand.
“But when I found out that she was an alcoholic…” My voice cracks. “I didn’t see her anymore. All I saw was my mother.”
Walker looks down at our feet, shaking his head.
“And all I saw when I watched you falling in love with her was myself. And I thought that maybe if I could stop things before they were too late, that I could save you some of that hurt that I felt. Of being second choice to someone’s addiction. And I know it’s not fair. She’s not my mother and she’s sober, I know that.I know that now,but in that moment…I was just trying to protect you.”
When I started digging into Scar online and learned about her past arrest and rehab, I had hoped that it wasn’t true. For her sake, for my brother’s. But as her fame was rising from the exposure of being on tour with us as our opening act, I knew something like that wouldn’t stay buried for long.
“It’s fucked up. I’ll be the first to admit that,” I say, raising a hand in front of me. “But when I leaked those additional stories to the press, I wasn’t thinking about her and how it would affect her. I was just thinking about how she kept that shit from you. How easily my mom was able to keep her addiction from people around that could’ve helped me earlier. So I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s why I did it.”
Walker finishes off the rest of his drink before reaching behind the bar this time to pour us both another. He doesn’t speak the entire time and it sets my teeth on edge. If he needs to yell, then I want him to. If he needs to hit me, then I’ll take the blows.
Just something. Anything.
“You should’ve talked to me about it,” he finally says, voice so lethally low it’s barely heard over the music. “That should’ve been your first instinct. To fucking talk to me about it.”
“I know. But I was still so angry with you, with all the guys, that I couldn’t see logic through the haze of it.”
“That’s not an excuse.”
“It’s not. And I’m not trying to make them.” I just want him to see.
Seeme, and not my mistakes.
I lean forward to catch his eye once more. “I’m truly sorry. If I could go back and take it back, I would.”
His jaw ticks. “You’re always the one who never has regrets.”
“Not usually.” I take a long swig and relish the burn. “But I do when it comes to this.”
Penny hovers nearby, obviously trying to check in on me, and I give her a small smile. She returns it, glances at Walker, and heads back to the other end to continue polishing glasses.
“I’d like to apologize to Scar as well,” I say. “I know it’s been a long time coming, and hopefully she’ll hear me out.” Hell, in another life, I think Scar and I could’ve been friends. We both don’t trust too easily and are blunt to the point of making others uncomfortable.
Walker swallows thickly and runs a hand across his jaw. “Thank you for saying that, and for sharing this all with me.It means a lot, and I’d like for you two to talk. Just, uh, right now isn’t the best time.”
