“But then why’d he get all weird when Carter brought up the bachelor party? If I was included, he wouldn’t have froze up like that.”
“Are you sure you aren’t just assuming the worst? You have a tendency to do that.”
“For good reason,” I mumble.
“Fair enough. But I think the person you should actually be asking about this is Hayden.”
I squint against the blazing sun. “It’s not that simple. It always turns into a fight.”
“And who’s responsible for that?” he asks on an exhale.
I mutter under my breath and take another swing. This one shanks to the right but goes farther than the others.
“Look, I’m not trying to defend him, so don’t get all defensive on me here, but I don’t think he’d ever purposely try to hurt you.”
“Well he has,” I snip. “He did.”
Arun gives me a weighted look and grabs the club from my hand. He slides it back into the bag so our full attention is on each other.
“What happened during the break, Reid? When we decided to postpone the tour and delay the album, everyone was good and onboard, you included. You all walked out of that room as a unit. And then a year later when you showed up to tour, you were different. There’s always been something eating at you, I’ve seen it since I first met you. But you were always able to keep it at bay. But when you showed back up to tour…” He trails off and looks out at the range. “Something changed.”
Memories slam into me, vicious and demanding, unrelenting and ruthless. An open house, the last of my childhood dreams smashed on the ground, eyes that look like mine but belong to a complete stranger.
The grass spins and I shake my head, trying to clear my vision as my heart begins to race. I falter back a step and Arun reaches a hand toward me.
“Reid—”
“I can’t,” I breathe, my voice barely a rasp.
He steps closer and I step back. “You can talk to me.”
“I can’t,” I repeat. I can, and I could, because I trust Arun. He knows more about my past than even my best friends because I had to tell him in case it ever became a liability for me or the band. But I justcan’t. Don’twantto.
“I gotta go.” My voice is strained. “Thanks for meeting with me.”
“Don’t go just yet, let’s talk,” Arun pleads. “Please.”
I can’t. I fucking can’t. “I’ll see you around.”
I spendthe next couple hours driving around, working out, showering, and then head back to On Tap to wait for Pennyto get off work. My head finally shut down again and I’m back in control of my thoughts.
While I wait for Penny, I text Nikolai, my conversation with Arun having started an itch I can’t ignore.
Me: Give it to me straight
Nikolai: That’s not always easy but I’ll try ;)
Me: Just a yes or no answer. Blunt honesty
Nikolai: …ok? Yeah sure
Me: Am I the problem? In all the shit that went down with the guys am I the problem?
I hold my breath as I wait for him to respond. My knuckles turn white against my steering wheel.
Finally, his response comes through and a stone falls in my stomach.
Nikolai: Not the whole problem cause everyone’s got blame in it. Including me
