I drop the folded shirt in my hands on the floor and walk over to kneel in front of her. My chest squeezes at the look on her face. I don’t want to lie, never have and certainly not to her, but maybe now’s a good time to start.
“Not for a while, but maybe once I’m settled out there.” The lie tastes like ash for someone like me who never shies away from the truth.
She perks up a little at that. “Really?”
I squeeze her blue pajama-covered knee. “Really, Penny.”
She beams at the nickname.A lucky penny. I have to admit, at first the nickname was snarky and kind of shitty of me, since she didn’t understand the joke. There’s nothing lucky about either of us or how we ended up here in this fucking house.
But over the last year, she and my music are the onlythings that make me feel like I have any sense of that elusive concept.
She wraps her thin arms around me, too damn thin for her age, and I make a mental note to run out tonight for some snacks to sneak in here for her before I leave tomorrow morning.
Hayden’s parents are dropping us all at the airport. Walker and Nikolai are sleeping over at his house tonight in anticipation of our big move tomorrow, but I decided to stay one last night in this shithole. Not because I’m not ready to leave it behind, but because I didn’t want to leave Penny just yet.
In the year that she’s been here, we’ve grown close, and the thought of leaving her here to fend for herself makes my stomach turn. But I can’t…I can’t stay here one more day. I need to get away, to get this fresh start, to get going on our music.
I quickly pack the last of my things and set the two bags by my door so they’re ready to go in the morning. Penny yawns and rubs her eyes, up way past her bedtime. Not that anyone in this house but me would notice.
“C’mon,” I say and motion for her, “bedtime.”
She climbs off my bed and we head next door into her room. I flick her nightlight on and she burrows herself under the covers.
“Am I going to see you when I wake up?” she asks quietly, and the hope in her question makes my teeth ache.
I sit on the edge of her bed. “I don’t think so. My plane leaves really early, way before your sleepy head will be up.”
She giggles before sadness creeps in again. “I don’t want you to go.”
I look down at her, at the only person besides my best friends that gives a shit about me, and know that I’m goingto be leaving her behind. It cracks at the stone I’ve filled myself with.
“I know. But one day, when you’re older, maybe you can come live by me.” The words start tumbling out before I can stop them, before I can shut down the false hope I’m feeding her that we’ll ever see each other again. “I’m going to go live by the beach. You’d like to see the beach, wouldn’t you?”
She nods, her hair stark against the white pillowcase.
“I’m going to go out there so I can make music. I need a bigger audience than just you.”
“But I like hearing you sing!”
“And you still will. When you listen to the radio one day, you’ll be able to hear me sing again. Won’t that be cool?”
“I guess.” She picks at the blanket. “I wish I could come with you.”
“You need to stay and finish school. You like school, right?”
She never stops talking about how much she loves her teacher this year and all the new friends she’s made in her class.
“Yes…” she mumbles and yawns again. Good. I want her to fall asleep so this goodbye doesn’t get dragged out. I don’t want to do it. Don’t want to feel the rising feelings.
“You better get to sleep,” I say and stand up. “It’s already past your bedtime.”
“You’re the only one who gives me a bedtime. I’m never going to go to sleep now that you’re not here.” The stubborn frown on her face makes me smile.
I chuckle and say, “Okay, you see how long that lasts.” The laughter is good. Distraction is good. If she’s thinking about her bedtime, then she’s not thinking about me leaving…
“Wait!” She throws her covers off and bounds across the room as I’m walking toward her door. Her arms are thrown around my waist as she barrels into me. “You didn’t hug me. You need to hug when you say goodbye.”
My throat is tight as I gently pat the top of her head with one hand while holding her shoulder with the other. “I’m sorry. I almost forgot.”
