But it’s not that simple. And it never will be with her. Not while we’re just starting to navigate this new phase we’re in. Keeping everything a secret from everyone because if it came out, both our lives would implode. But is there ever going to be atime when we could be together freely? Even once she graduates, could we actually make a go of this?
Jesus Christ. Now, the pounding in my head has nothing to do with the lighting and everything to do with the mess I’ve gotten myself into.
“Ah, I don’t know about that right now,” I hedge. “Can you give me a bit of time to think about that? When do you need the headcount?”
“No shit,” Decker says. “You’re seeing someone?”
“It’s complicated.”
He whistles on the other end of the line. “Alright, man. I’m gonna need to be filled in on that, but really gotta run to dinner. Try to let me know in the next month or so, okay?”
“Sure thing, man. Have a good dinner with the in-laws.”
We hang up and I sit in silence, all of the things I’ve pushed to the side while enjoying winter break with Lennon flooding to the surface.
I wish I had something stronger than coffee right now.
For being a home game,the arena is fairly empty compared to other games this season. Maybe it’ll be a good thing for the team to be able to ease back into the swing of things without the added pressure of a huge student section tonight.
The team skates around the ice, our powder-blue home jerseys coming alive under the rink lights. Lennon finishes carving up the crease and glides over the bench to grab her water bottle. She pauses when she sees me standing at the end of it and meanders over.
“Did you enjoy your coffee this morning?” She leans against the board and pops her mask on top of her head.
“It was black coffee,” I answer and scan the rink.
“I didn’t expect to see you there. You should stop by more often.”
I don’t respond and instead continue looking anywhere but at her. Alice talks with one of the refs, and Grace stretches out at center ice.
Not catching on, Lennon says, “Krista thought you were hot. She couldn’t believe that you’re who I get to spend all my time with.” She laughs lightly. “She made a joke about us doing a different kind of workout than the ones I complain to her about, but don’t worry, I shot that down.”
“Good. As you should.”
Lennon shifts in my periphery. “Is everything alright?”
“Fine.”
“Clearly not because you won’t even look at me.”
The ref blows his whistle and calls the two captains forward. The rest of the team finishes up their warm-ups, and it’s only a matter of moments before they flood the bench.
“Get in the goal, Kilcrease,” I tell her. “It’s game time.”
“Not until you just tell me what’s wrong,” she demands but does slide her mask back in place.
I finally meet her eye. “You’re not the one who gets to give orders here. I am your coach, and in this space, don’t talk to me like I’m anything more.” Hurt flashes behind her mask, but I can’t allow space for that to dig into my chest right now. “Focus on the game. If you can’t do that, if you can’t separate personal matters from the sport, then I’ll put Miller in the goal right now. What’s your choice?”
If looks could kill I would be bleeding out all over this bench right now. A mix of anger and hurt swirl in her eyes and pull the corners of her full lips down as she snatches her water bottlefrom the boards and skates to the crease. But I need to get it through her head that on the ice, it’s never going to be the place for us to talk about anything other than hockey.
As the game kicks off, Lennon seems to be fueled by her emotions, and even if it hurt me to speak like that to her in the moment, it’s paying off. She moves around the crease sharply, each movement purposeful and with deadly precision. She knocks away a shot with her stick, sending it flying into the boards to the left. It ricochets loudly, and I don’t know if anyone else can tell, but I can practically feel her anger radiating off of her. All of it directed toward me, but it’s honing her into the game.
If she needs to be pissed off at me in order to focus, then I’ll take it. I can’t be a distraction to her end goal.
Toward the end of the first period, Aubrey takes a penalty for cross-checking. Alice seethes quietly beside me as she goes into the penalty box. Aubrey has a hard time keeping her temper in check and easily gets baited into trash talking. UPU knows this and clearly used it to their advantage.
They end up scoring on the power play, and Lennon slams her stick against the ice after the fact. She skates the line of the crease back and forth, head down, shaking it slightly as UPU celebrates.
The buzzer sounds, and when the team files to the locker room, I hang back to catch Lennon and gauge where her head is after it. But the moment she steps off the ice and our eyes meet, I know talking to me is the last thing she needs right now.
