She does as I ask, and I figure out how to lower the guard rail so she can sit on the edge of the bed and I can touch her.
“Blow your nose and take a breath.”
She nods.
When she seems a little calmer, she whispers, “I was so scared.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry.” I take a breath. “And I owe you an apology.”
Her eyes widen. “Wh-what?”
I shake my head, realizing that the shoe is now on the other foot.
I didn’t give a thought to my safety when I’d thrown myself in front of that puck. It’s my job. I’m not just a defenseman in general, but our collective job as a team when we’re in a do-or-die situation like that is to protect our goalie. So I’d done what I was trained to do—block the puck in whatever way necessary.
And though it’s a bit different for Lexi, because she’s the one who’s pregnant, I now understand how instinctive it is to do what you do. We’re trained to throw our bodies around, whether it’s in front of a puck or a two-hundred-pound opponent. I didn’t give a second thought to my safety because nothing like this has ever happened before.
Which is exactly what Lexi pointed out about her fall.
Bad things can happen at any time and there’s a first time for everything.
I didn’t think about Lexi and the baby in the moment. Even though a puck to the throat could have killed me. A puck to my cervical spine could cripple me. Things go wrong but it’s the chance we take.
“Zaan?” She’s watching me intently.
“Like I said, I owe you an apology. I threw myself in front of that puck without a second thought about the potential for a serious injury. I just did it. Because nothing has ever happened to me on the ice before.”
Her eyes are fixed on mine. “I owe you an apology too. I was so scared when you didn’t get up. I couldn’t breathe. It was like my heart stopped.”
“That must have been terrifying to watch in real time. At least with your fall I didn’t see it until after, when I already knew you were okay. I was still terrified, but it’s different once it’s over.”
“And you weren’t worried about just me—you had to think about the baby too.”
“If I’m honest, my first thought was of you. The baby isn’t real yet. I hope that’s not a shitty thing to say, but I haven’t seen an ultrasound or heard the heartbeat or anything. To me, it’s still a concept. And honestly, I’ve been a little afraid to get attached because of everything going on.”
“You know I would never terminate.” She frowns. “In your heart of hearts, despite the arguing and everything going on, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, baby, I do. I’ve just been scared.”
“Me too. So fucking scared.”
I squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. You need me and all I’ve been thinking about is myself.”
“Same. Thinking about myself, I mean. I just can’t…” She sighs. “I can’t wrap my head around the idea of taking a year, maybe more, off. But we can talk about it, find a compromise. Maybe?—”
“Let’s not talk about this tonight, okay? I’m tired and we’ve both been through a lot. Let’s table this for tomorrow after we’ve slept.”
“Okay.” She nods, her fingers curled around mine.
“So now…the big question.” I take a breath. “Did we win?”
Chapter Twenty
Lexi
* * *
The tour starts three weeks later in L.A.
