I love this part, right before we go on.
There’s an excitement that’s impossible to replicate in any other situation. In a way, it’s addictive. I crave it. Miss it when I’m not on tour. I’ve never done drugs, but it’s how I imagine a true high feels. It’s one of many reasons I can’t imagine not going on tour for a year or more. I’ve never gone more than a few months without performing, since I was eighteen.
Taking a year off feels like a death sentence.
I know that’s dramatic, and I’m not unaware of pregnancy hormones, but it’s more than that.
Tonight’s show is about preparing for the tour and testing out some new elements we added to it. It’s bigger and longer now, since we’re headlining, and I’m excited for the fans to see what we have planned.
The one thing I’m bummed about is the clothes I’ve been planning to wear. I’ve been slowly collecting special pieces—leather and lace in shades of gray/black and bright red—so that I can wear the same color scheme the whole tour. Now, I don’t know how long any of it is going to fit.
Does anyone even want to see a pregnant rock singer perform?
Rock and roll is generally a male-dominated industry so there aren’t a lot of examples out there. Some of the female greats in rock music, like Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac and Deborah Harry from Blondie, have been open about their choice not to have children. There are also quite a few artists I know of who have families, including my bandmates, but they’re men. They aren’t the ones who have to be pregnant.
So talking to them is pointless.
We get the signal, and I push every negative thought out of my mind as I grab the mike.
“Hollywood—how the fuck are we doing tonight?”
The crowd responds exuberantly, and I take in the excited faces. People wearing T-shirts from our last tour. Their eager faces, fists in the air, chants filling the room, is what I live for.
“It’s time to hit it like it’s yours!” I yell, as Stu plays the intro to our newest hit.
The crowd is into it too.
The lyrics are gritty, all about partying and sex and falling in love.
We like to keep our lyrics light, for the most part, with fun themes that fall into the rock and roll fantasy. This one is no exception, and the melody is catchy, so by the time I get to the first chorus, the crowd is dancing and singing along.
* * *
Hit it like it’s yours
You’re gonna buy that ring
Don’t think about tomorrow
She’s gonna love that bling
You’re hittin’ it like it’s yours
Because you want it all
Hit it a little harder
She’s gonna make you crawl.
* * *
I have six costume changes planned for the show, and the first one is right after this. Ford plays an extended intro to the second song while I run backstage, yank off my black leather jacket and replace it with a black denim vest. All I’m wearing underneath is a lacy black bra. The black skirt I’m wearing will come off at the next costume change, replaced by the tiny black shorts I have on beneath it. Everything is pretty well coordinated but I realize I’m hot.
“I need some ice water!” I yell at the nearest roadie. He nods and immediately runs to a cooler we have nearby.
But I can’t wait for it, so I run back onstage, and we launch into our next biggest hit, a fun song called “Wicked X.” It’s about a horrible ex-girlfriend who still seduces the guy I’m singing about every chance she gets. It’s sexy but also more light-hearted than it sounds, since the guy in question is having the time of his life.
She's my ex
