She didn’t say a word about what had happened. I had beendreading her anger, and now it felt strangely flat that she didn’t scream at me for losing Lidi’s magic and Tay’s hope. I deserved it, didn’t I?
“I’m leaving tonight,” I told Lidi, catching her arm and pulling her around so I could look at her face. She tucked a pink bloom behind my ear, trying to finish her work. “I’m going to go with Fieran.”
Lidi nodded, her face lighting up. “That’s a good idea.”
I scoffed out a laugh before I could help myself. I was going to die. And nothing involving Fieran was a good idea.
But then I saw the look of horror that had crossed my mother’s face, and I softened into a smile. I didn’t want Lidi to remember what she’d said later, after my corpse was rolled into a grave somewhere beyond the mountain. I wanted us to have a sweet goodbye.
“I love you so much,” I told Lidi, hoping she’d remember just how much. Would she remember the way we read silently together in front of the fire or how we laughed at our cat Curi’s perpetual despair when water dared to fall from the sky? There were a thousand cozy moments with my sister that I wanted to hang onto, and maybe those memories would die with me. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too.” She sounded far more cheerful about that missing than I did, though, and she was smiling as she grabbed me in a tight hug. “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of Mam and Tay.”
I swallowed.Do a better job of it than I have.
“I have to go up into the loft and pack,” I told them. Lidi followed me up the ladder, and I tried to enjoy her prattle, even though I wasn’t really listening.
I glanced over the ledge as I knelt on the hard wood to gather my books from the old wooden box that had served me as a nightstand. Mam was watching Tay, the firelight casting ever-changing shadows over her face.
When she looked up, I pulled away and went back to stacking my books into my bag. I hesitated; maybe I should leave them for Lidi. The books of fairy tales, each a different color, stayed on the shelf; my parents had given me two each year for several years, marking each solstice. Lidi loved them too. But it would be years until she was interested in the romances, and I needed a few friends for the journey.
Tay had bartered for some of these books for me. I touched thecracked leather cover of the one that I’d never finished, because he’d taken a turn for the worse after, and I’d been too busy since. But it reminded me of the way he’d been grinning as he handed it to me outside the Tilted Stone. “Look at the delightful garbage I found for you,” he’d teased me.
“You love that garbage too,” I’d retorted, because my brother loved the idea of love, much more than I did. I knew just how prickly I was.
And it was true, he’d read it first, even though he pretended not to. Hot pressure built behind my eyes, and I shoved the book savagely into my bag. I needed to get on the road.
But instead I lingered at Tay’s bedside, wanting to wake him, wanting to steal out while he slept. I pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Soon we’ll see each other again, and you’ll be well.”
That was worth whatever happened to me.
Mam followed me out into the garden when I walked out, carrying a change of clothes, a few of my books, my journal, and my toiletries in the bag slung over my shoulder. The knife in my boot felt heavy and awkward; I didn’t have a better weapon than the one I’d taken from the kitchen.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out once the door was closed behind us.
“You can’t go,” she told me, her face ashen. Lidi hadn’t even questioned why I would go with Fieran—she seemed to think he was perfect—but my mother had clearly connected all the pieces. “I’ve tried to protect you from the dragons—from the Trials?—”
“I know.” I adjusted the bag over my shoulder. It felt heavier than it should, and I wanted to get moving. “But that’s over now.” I couldn’t say Fieran’s damned name, so instead I said, “The shifters can help Tay. I have to go.”
“You don’t have to go. You could run.” Her eyes were wild, and my heart tilted over into emotions I didn’t want to name. She loved me, and that love meant this situation was going to hurt, and I was sorry.
Unfortunately, my voice didn’t come out sounding sorry. “There’s nowhere for me to run. You think I’m going to escape the shifters? You think I’m going to escape the capital now that they know what I am? You think I’d sacrifice Tay’s life to try to save my own?”
Her face creased, her lips pressing together tightly as if she were holding back. Her dishwater-blond hair was touched with gray at the temples,like mine would be someday. Mortals were plain compared to the Fae, and what beauty we did have faded so fast.
“I can’t escape.” My voice was rough, final. “But Lidi and Tay need you.”
She cursed, raising her hands to run them through her hair before she knotted it at the base of her neck. I had the same mannerism when I was subject to emotions too intense for me to handle—which, to be honest, was most of them.
“I can’t do this,” she muttered. “I can’t lose you.”
“You’ll be fine. That shifter asshole is going to get treatment for Tay. I’ll play along so that he’ll help. And Lidi is getting older, and she can be left alone?—”
“I’m not talking about how I can’t stand to lose the things youdo for me.” She cut me off, her voice heated. It was an especially harsh tone for someone who knew they were probably seeing their daughter for the last time. “I’m not talking about the things you do for our family. I’m talking aboutyou, Cara. I can’t stand to loseyou.”
I stared at her, uncertain how to respond.
When I was growing up, my best friend’s father would drop her off at school and tell herI love you.I’d always stared at them skeptically as we lingered on the schoolhouse steps. We weren’t a family who splattered loving words around with the regularity of sunrises and sunsets.
