She narrowed her eyes at him, affronted. “Well, obviously, because you turned out to be a complete jerk!”
A laugh rumbled from his chest, catching them both off guard. “Fuck, you’re adorable when you’re mad.” His hands slid down her neck, his thumbs brushing over her collar bones, and she shuddered, her nipples hardening under his touch. He hummed, deep and velvety. “I miss you,” he murmured into her ear, and the core of her throbbed, needy and wet.
“I miss you, too,” she replied, though the words were in no way accurate enough. She ached for him, like a limb gone, a soul sundered, a sunny sky darkened.
“Even after what I said…how I hurt you, how our relationship began?” he asked doubtfully.
She sighed, leaning her head against his chin. It felt right…though her mind was convinced of the wrongness. He had hurt her; he had lied and manipulated her…but….
“There’s no accounting for the whims of the heart,” she replied. “Even a dog kicked, over and over again, will still come when its master calls.”
Forgiveness was easy, it was the forgetting, the moving forward, the leaving the destruction behind.
However, she wasn’t even ready to forgive—but, hell, she missed him so much it burned through her.
“And you’re that dog?” Gideon asked, his eyes narrowed. “Making me the abusive master?”
She hummed thoughtfully. “I think my leaving you proved that this dog is done being kicked.”
“So why are you still here, listening to me, letting me hold you?”
Kendra rolled her eyes and huffed, “Because, stupidly, I still love you, Gideon. I still see a man worthy of being loved.”
His breathing turned ragged as despair filled his eyes. “I just wish it was enough…thatIwas enough….”
Chapter Fourteen
How was it possible to feel both relief and raging self-hatred at the same time?
“Why can’t it be enough, Gideon? Why can’t you be enough for me—I never wanted more from you than what you—therealyou, the one buried deep—were willing to give me. The corporate Gideon who is cold and removed—I cried myself to sleep wishing he would go away and thereal youwould come home. I’ve seen it with my own eyes—though not as often as I’d like; you’re thoughtful, protective, generous, and you have the potential to be an amazing husband and father?—”
Those two words—husband, father—struck him as no other words could; they were sacred duties, meant to be lived with honor and sacrifice, and he’d failed disastrously so far.
“You will only ever be a fucking failure, boy…no one will ever give a shit about you…you aren’t worth it….”
Nasty, insidious, carved into his chest, his father’s words burned through his mind.
“Kendra, I will never be a nice guy, that isn’t me, I wasn’t built that way?—”
“I don’t want anice guy,” she cried, her chest heaving, “I want agood man.”
Gideon groaned, thrusting his fingers through his hair. “What’s the fucking difference, Kendra?”
She went quiet, her expression shifting from riled to thoughtful as she calmed her breathing, her gaze never leaving his.
“A nice guy is the one you wave to and smile at as you walk by, the one who refills the coffee machine in the office, and makes sure everyone has a pen in a board meeting. A nice guy waits with you for your Uber to make sure you’re safe. The nice guy is kind words and gestures that make people comfortable around him. He makes sad eyes at articles about starving children in war-torn countries, then clicks ‘share’ on someone else’s online posts about it. He’s considerate, polite, thinks before he speaks, and he never starts trouble because he wants everyone to be happy.”
Gideon gave an uncharacteristic snort. “Yeah, that sure as fuck isn’t me.”
Kendra reached out and cupped his face, and he fought the urge—tooth and nail—to not lean into her touch. He didn’t deserve her comfort, her kindness, her sweetness.
“I already said I didn’t want the nice guy, Gideon,” she said, her voice soft as she leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to his chin. “I want the good man, the loyal, honorable man, the man who sees a problem, fixes it, then makes the one who broke it take responsibility. I want the man who steps up when no one else will, the man who demands respect even when facing down bigger, meaner opponents. I want the man who sees the starving children in war-zones, sends food and supplies, then finds justice for them and their families. I want the man who doesn’t offer empty platitudes to make people feel better, because he only ever says what he means, and can be trusted to always speak truth no matter how it hurts. I want the man who cares about my happiness so much that he’ll bleed just to see me smile.I want the man who is so obsessed with protecting me that he stops beingMr. Nice Guythe second my safety is threatened—thatis the man I want…thegoodman who is willing todo badfor the people he loves.”
He swallowed, flustered, unsure of how to respond to such beautiful warmth.
She pulled his face down until he was peering into her eyes, only inches from her, and the love that flowed from her filled him, making the beast inside him roll over and groan in contentedness.
His wife was truly the most loving, compassionate person he’d ever known…and he was taking advantage of that.
