I take a deep breath and put on my best brave face, trying to look like the kind of professional resident who should have a job here. Instead of the girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing half the time, rushing around to keep up with the pace of the overwhelmed and understaffed emergency department.
“I’m really sorry, and it shouldn’t happen again. I’m lucky to have a neighbor who takes care of her a lot of the time, which is wonderful, but I can’t always call in favors. Especially not when Ava is puking everywhere and the clean-up job is a lot of work. Even worse than a night in our ED.”
It’s my best attempt at a joke, given the circumstances, but the gray-haired men across the table from me are impassive. They frown down at the papers covering the desk.
The one on the left — Kent, the hospital’s HR manager — pushes his glasses up his nose. “But surely, Ms. Porter, you have family in town? Someone who could look after your daughter when you are required at work?”
“Well, no, I don’t,” I reply slowly.
“No one? Your husband could surely take time off work if the situation is as urgent as you made it sound.” The other man, the general manager Larry, sounds incredulous.
I try to keep the acid out of my voice, though I want to scream.
“I’m not married.” I grit my teeth. “My family are in Missouri. And I’m not in contact with them.”
Even if I was, like hell would they look after my child.
I’m the one who got myself knocked up, as my father said when I explained the situation.
The manager sighs and steeples his hands on the desk in front of him, peering over his glasses as though he’s deeply disappointed in me.
“Ms. Porter. This is an old and prestigious hospital. We don’t hold with this modern, flexible working nonsense. We will not make accommodations and put pressure on other staff in order to cater to the lifestyles of individual employees.”
Next to him, Kent nods his agreement, rolling his eyes as though the idea that doctors should be allowed to also have families is personally ridiculous to him.
I take a deep breath, but my hands bundle into fists beneath the table.
“This is a team environment and everyone has to do their part to keep the team functioning. You made a commitment to Middlefield Hospital and its traditional workplace values when you accepted the residency here. Please respect that commitment by showing up for work on time.”
Kent nods gravely. “Well said, Mr. Lewis. And I’m led to believe that you are seeking our substance abuse fellowship on the conclusion of your residency, Ms. Porter?”
“That’s right.”
I wonder if they can hear the way my words shake with anger.
“Then you know exactly how bad reports of tardiness will look on your resume, when you start applying for competitive residencies. Unless you get your time management under control, Ms Porter, I seriously doubt that our hospital will be able to offer you work in future.”
I will not cry in front of these men. I will not. I will not…
Oh, fuck it, my eyes start leaking anyway.
Lily offered to come to the meeting as my support person but I turned her down. She’s been working early morning shifts and I didn’t want her to stay late for me.
Still, in this moment, I wish she was here and I could squeeze her hand.
“Don’t let it happen again, Ms. Porter.”
“Right. Yeah. I won’t.” I wipe the tears away, slipping out the door before they offer me the chance to shake their hand or anything. I’m not in the mood to pretend that was a civil meeting, or that I’m grateful for their time.
I’m not.
I’m furious that they don’t seem to understand that the unexpected happens, and I deal with it as best as I can given my living circumstances.
I rush to the bathroom so I can sob in peace, but I’m intercepted on the way by Daniel, a nurse at the hospital who’s become the closest thing after Lily that I have to a friend here.
“Have you been crying, Nina? What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “I’m fine, thanks.” I know he meanswell, but I just want to be left alone to deal with this.
