Bella looked at me with curiosity, placing her little palm on my stubbly chin. “Daddy, don’t cry. Mommy is in a better place. I think she’s having fun. Granny told me that. I want to see her, so we can go, but don’t cry, Daddy.”
Such a sweet child. She went back to swinging her legs and singing a little song to herself.
“Okay. Will you be free from drawing in an hour? How about we eat something first?”
“Yay!” She raised her arms in the air and ran around the table. This was a Bella I would need to get to know. I didn’t even know my own daughter. She had turned into this emotionally intelligent, bright, energetic soul that soothed me. She was the one being strong and not me.
This whole cooking thing was new to me, too. Anna used to cook, but I had to try for Bella. I’d learned a few recipes in prison, so I felt like I could do the basics.
“How about some grilled ham and cheese? Sound good?”
Bella nodded her head. “I’ll get the ham and cheese. I cook with Granny sometimes. She taught me.” She opened the refrigerator and put the ham and cheese on the counter. I was in awe of her.
“There you go, Daddy. I’m a big girl now,” she said defiantly.
I bent down to her height. “You don’t always have to be a big girl. I’m home now. Daddy will take care of you, okay?” I lightly tapped her cute little nose.
“Okay. I like to help. It’s fun to cook.”
I smirked. Maybe in the future, when she had to cook all the time, she might not think it’s so fun. For now, I indulged her. I rustled up some ham and cheese sandwiches and put them in the waffle maker. We ate in silence, and then I put Bella’s jacket on to go. As soon as it was on, she ran out the front door.
“Bella! Where are you going?”
“I’m going to pick some flowers for Mommy. She likes flowers. She planted some at the front.”
Again, I had to wipe the water from my face. Bella picked a few red geraniums from the front, along with some purple bluebells. I knew Anna loved bluebells. I gave her the time to gather them. She ended with a small bunch, which she thrust proudly at me.
“Here we go. She will like these.”
I hugged my daughter to my leg. “Yes, baby girl, she will. Let’s go.”
We took the car. I was not ready to take Bella on the bike just yet. I wanted her to be a little older before I did that. I drove through the Merced backstreets to the cemetery. As soon as we arrived in the parking lot, an overwhelming sadness washed over me. Anna was a good mother. She loved Bella more than life itself. I struggled to stop the tears from falling. I wanted to be strong for Bella.
“Daddy, I think maybe it’s okay to cry. Ms. Atwood said it was okay. I just don’t want to see you sad.” Her little hand’s warmth landed on top of mine, and I held it.
“Thank you, sweetie. Your mother would be proud of the young lady you’ve become.”
She hugged me, and I vowed to protect her with every cell in my body. I gathered myself and got out of the car. She walked with me, and it took us about twenty minutes to find Anna’s gravestone from where my mother said it was.
A gray, rounded tombstone was right in front of me with Anna’s name carved in it. Bella placed the flowers in front of it, patting the soil. I ran my fingers over the engraved letters. I had some things I wanted to say.
“Anna, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you in your darkest hour. Please forgive me. I just want you to know it’s been handled.” My voice choked up as I struggled to release years of pent-up grief from my system. “I want you to know that I loved you so much. I wanted to marry you. I’m sorry for everything. I hope you’re resting easy up there.”
I pointed to the sky, and Bella pointed with me.
“Mommy, we love you. I know you forgive Daddy. I hope you like the flowers.”
My heart swelled with pride at the maturity of my little daughter. I felt the guilt creeping up in me. I didn’t want more put on Bella than she could handle. I let the wind of death cross over us as we said our goodbyes to Anna.
We left, hand in hand, a little lighter for it.
Fourteen
Amber
“You need to come back. It’s being organized. Two days to go. Can you make it undetected?” I asked my brother Hector. I paced in the breakroom in nervousness. Lucy sauntered in, and instantly, her eyes reached me.
“I can. I will hit the road today,” Hector replied.
