“Have you ever taken a date to a barbecue before?” I asked.
I didn’t know why I asked. This line of inquiry wasn’t getting me closer to Zoe or Hector, but I wanted to know. The way the other bikers had greeted me implied that Pin did not often, if ever, show up with a significant other. I was desperate to know why.
“No,” Pin said. “You’re the first.”
I was silent as I took that in. I sensed that Pin had more to say, so I gave him space and waited.
“I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I was fifteen,” Pin said. “If you can even call a high school relationship serious.”
“You can,” I said. “Studies actually show that because the teenage brain is still developing, high school relationships may shape and affect us more than later ones.”
“Yeah, well, I can probably attest to that,” Pin said, leaning forward until his elbows rested on his knees. “She fucked me up. Actually, it wasn’t just her. First, it was my parents, she was just the nail in the coffin.”
“What do you mean?” I whispered.
I was desperate for more details, but I didn’t want to ask too many aggressive questions and cause him to clam up. I knew how hard it was to open up about the past sometimes.
“I hate blaming my mom because I know she did her best,” Pin said. “But I had to watch her fall in love with guys who screwed her over again and again. And then I went and fell for the same type of person.”
I didn’t even breathe as Pin stared into space; as he looked back in time.
“She cheated on me,” Pin said. “Which really isn’t a big deal, it happens all the time, but that just proves what I always suspected. People will usually betray you if given the chance.”
My eyes widened at his bleak outlook. My heart broke for the pain lurking beneath Pin’s calm and pulled-together surface.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I guess that doesn’t really make anything better, but I am.”
“I just haven’t wanted to even try with anyone since,” Pin said. “Because why bother?”
I recognized something in his tone. Hadn’t I thought the same thing to myself more times than I could count over the last few years? All my relationships ended, so why bother?
“But with you,” Pin said. “I want to try again.”
He looked over at me, and his expression took my breath away. It was not lost on me what this meant. This was not just a casual hook-up, nor was it even dating at this point. This was something else. Something big and terrifying and thrilling.
I hadn’t intended to share too much with Pin. I had wanted to stay coy and subdued. But I couldn’t just sit there after his admission. Without even realizing it, I opened my mouth.
“It’s hard for me too,” I said. “To try.”
Pin just looked at me as I cleared my throat and tried to clear my head. Somewhere deep inside, I knew I should be focused on the case. I should deflect Pin’s desire to have a heavy conversation and get back to mining his friends for information. That knowledge was buried, however, beneath a surge of emotion that surprised me with its intensity.
“My whole life, I’ve always wanted more,” I said. “Something more exciting or different than what I had. And I’m not ashamed of the life I want.”
Pin nodded, and I felt safe with him. I felt I could trust him to not judge me.
“I am ashamed by how I’ve come up with excuses,” I said. “Every time I start to get close to someone, I get scared they’re just going to hold me back or tie me down, so as soon as I’m a little bit bored, I drop them.”
I clamped my mouth shut. I hadn’t even known what I was going to say. I had barely been able to admit as much to myself. I knew I got bored with nearly every guy, and I knew my boredom had something to do with my fear of being held down in one place. But it was hard to come face to face with your own fears.
Somehow Pin had made it easier.
“I can’t promise you much,” I said. “But I can promise you that I’ll try.”
“Good.” Pin smiled, and it was like the sun was rising on a new chapter of my life. “I promise I’ll try too.”
He reached over and took my hand in his. Somehow that small point of contact felt far more intimate than anything else we had done. It was physical touch with the added knowledge of each other. Perhaps it had only been for a moment, but we had each bore a part of ourselves.
Without another word, we stood up. Pin waved goodbye to the people remaining by the fire before leading me out to the front of the Blue Dog Saloon so we could wait for a car.
