‘He’s leaving you?’ he yells at me as he overshoots by a few yards and, as I twist in my seat, I can see him pulling on the reins to get the horse to stop and turn around. He pulls up alongside me all flustered. ‘I welcome him to the family. Which was very big of me considering the trick marriage throwing shade on my own nuptials. But anyway, I welcome him to our little family, I invite him for drinks, just you, him and us to celebrate your nuptials, and he tells me he has to leave. For work! On your honeymoon! It’s not on, babe. It’s not on. I’m seething.’
Ged sets off a chain reaction. Seconds later, everyone is fuming.
‘Hey, Libs, Matteo is abandoning Connie on her honeymoon!’ bellows Tash down the line.
‘What? That’s outrageous!’ Liberty shouts back. Her voice echoes around the canyon perimeter.
‘Totally out of fucking order, pet. Isn’t it, Sue?’ barks Big Mand.
‘Abso-fucking-lutely. Who jilts their bride the day after they get married?’ Big Sue is livid.
‘He’s deserting her in her hour of need, Mandeep,’ Ged says. ‘Did those Elvis lyrics mean nothing?’ His voice is a high-pitched squeal that releases birds from the trees around us.
‘It isn’t our honeymoon,’ I try to argue. Gawd, this is excruciating. ‘He has to work. Just like we do.’
Matteo is trying his best to twist round on his horse to defend himself, but it is nigh-on impossible to control these beasts. ‘I’m not abandoning her! I’m securing a hugely important business deal. For our future together and?—’
‘That doesn’t matter,’ Tash cuts him off. ‘Connie. Today is the first day of your honeymoon, and Matteo is leaving you. End of. Who does that?’
Matteo has fallen foul of the entire group. They haven’t given him a chance to explain.
‘He’s worse than Luke!’ bellows Liberty. She is incensed. ‘Men. You’re all fucking useless!’
Luke has the good grace to avert his gaze.
The trip back through the ancient forest, overlooking thousands of years’ worth of volcanic erosion and natural wonder, is atmospheric and spiritual and emotive for all the wrong reasons. Matteo seems desperate to press on ahead, but Bran, the guide, who has the obvious hump, says we must all stick together and stop bickering so loudly because we are ruining the glorious experience for other groups of hikers and travellers.
The day has ended in another disaster. Typical.
When we reach the helipad to go back to Vegas via the Hoover Dam, the girls forcefully insist we are put in one helicopter and all the men in the other, so that we don’t get contaminated with masculine toxicity. It’s like a bad dream as I gaze forlornly out of the window at miles upon miles upon miles of mind-blowing mountainous rock.
* * *
When we finally arrive back at the hotel, Liberty is restless. Because she missed her dinner date, she has no idea how to contact Hank Junior to sort out the mess.
‘Fuck it. I’m going on a gambling rampage,’ she says, looking like an angry Barbie doll. ‘I’ll ring Cherry and find out where she is.’
‘Well, me and Kev will join you. I’m in the mood to let off some steam,’ says Tash, her arm around his neck.
‘We’ll come,’ says Big Mand. ‘I could do with a loosener. Sue?’
‘Christ, yes. Feels like all we’ve done since we got here is work and take care of people.’
She’s not entirely wrong.
‘We’ll probably chill for a few at the private cabana,’ adds Liam, taking Ged’s hand lovingly. ‘It’s been such a tiring day. And we don’t like to leave Franz on his own for too long. He’s written us a poem and he’s looking forward to giving us a couples massage. We’ll try to meet you in the casino before dinner.’
‘Okay, then,’ says Luke awkwardly. ‘I guess this is goodbye. I’d best go before someone… you know… tries to kill me.’
I try to hide my surprise. It is clear that everyone thought he’d left already.
‘Good luck,’ says Liberty, at least trying to sound genuine. ‘I’m sure everything will be fine. Now I think about it, I’m 100 per cent sure Hank Junior was joking.’
We all take a beat.
‘Probably,’ she says. ‘I was just trying to make you feel better.’
Luke seems about to cry.
