Graham yawned. “Me too. More than I expected to be. And thanks for telling me the truth about everything.”
Thad nodded and pressed a kiss to Graham’s shoulder. He definitely felt lighter knowing he wasn’t carrying that secret around anymore.
Anysecrets, honestly.
He had nothing to hide. There was nothing lurking around the corner that might disturb the happiness he’d found with Graham.
For a while they lay there, the room growing brighter around the curtains. Thad was bone-tired but for now, this was enough, touching like this. Holding Graham close.
“Was it awful?” Graham whispered a while later, playing with the hair at the nape of Thad’s neck.
Thad knew what Graham was asking, and it wasn’t about the blowjob or even about their talk earlier.
Thad didn’tmindtelling Graham about his experiences in prison. It was simply difficult to answer. Difficult to put into words what such an alien experience it had been for him.
Graham and his cushy, privileged life would neverquitebe able to understand.
But for the man he loved, Thad would do his best to explain.
“Yes and no,” he said slowly. “It’s … prison can be awful for a lot of guys. It can be absolute hell. It’s nevergood, but so much depends on where you are, how big of an asshole the CO’s—uh, corrections officers—are, and what the other guys on your unit are like. Depends on your personality too. Some guys can take it, others can’t.”
“And you?” Graham traced his fingers along Thad’s neck, gently rubbing the muscles there.
“I did better than a lot of them. Having a routine, having someone tell me what to do … that was familiar from hockey, so I leaned on it. It made it a little easier, I think. Honestly though,for me at least, it was the fucking boredom that was the hardest. Prison is soul sucking and that’s not by accident.”
He rolled over and stared up at the ceiling, suddenly wishing the room was dark so Graham couldn’t see his face.
It would have been easier to talk about it that way.
Graham shifted onto his side, threading their fingers together but giving Thad a little space otherwise. He was good about that.
Henoticed.
Thad took a deep breath. “Can you imagine what it’s like to go from being a high school hockey player about to turn pro toincarcerated? I had purpose out here, I had training and games, and I was—well, I was never fucking bored. But in there … there’s nothing to fuckingdo.
“But God, in prison you spend so much fucking time just … trying not to go stir-crazy. I worked out a lot, of course. I also worked in the wood shop before—well, before I assaulted that guy for going after Teddy.”
Graham squeezed his hand but didn’t speak.
“After that, they said I couldn’t be trusted with tools, so I was assigned to the laundry. It was—it was shitty work, but it wassomething. So I worked out and I read the shitty books in the prison library and I did my best to not fuckingrot. It’s so much easier to … let yourself drift. Turn into nothing. I saw it happen to guys and I fucking—I fuckingrefused. But you still spend all the time you aren’t doing something watching what’s going on around you and up in your fucking head and I—” He rubbed his free hand over his face.
“You know, I think people have this idea that there’s violence going on 24/7 and there was definitely violence, don’t get me wrong. But it wasn’tconstant. It was mostly boring as shit. Boiling hot or freezing cold and noisy and boring as shit. And younevergot a break from it. You have to deal with people’s bullshit all the fucking time, but it wasn’t interesting stuff. It didn’t … it didn’t do anything but wear a guy down.”
Graham’s swallow was audible. He reached out slowly, settling a hand on Thad’s chest.
Thad saw it coming, but he still flinched.
“Sorry.” Graham lifted his hand away.
Thad trapped it against his chest. “No. Don’t be.” The comfort was nice. He just got a little twitchy when he put himself back in that mindset of what it had been like back then.
For a few moments, they lay there, Graham’s breath soft and ticklish against his bare shoulder.
“The whole system is fucked,” Thad said quietly. “And it’s evenworsefor people of color. I won’t get into that whole thing right now but basically it’s modern-day slavery and it’s … it’s totallyfucked. It’s demoralizing and dehumanizing and it’sdesignedthat way. And that fucks me up more than anything else.”
“Huh,” Graham said, like he was mulling it over, letting it sink in.
Thad had always liked that about Graham. He listened well. Heheardwhat people said, didn’t react right away. Didn’t argue for the sake of arguing.
